i am tightening the budget.. my dad has a spreadsheet of money I owe him, much of which he GIVES me and doesnt even put on the "bill".

My ccard payments end up late,a nd I bounce cks. I am going crazy over this. I barely spend more than necessities, but feel I may soon have to cut down to the BARE necessities.. perhaps those new shoes won't be bought..

My older son wanted a cd at the mall last wkend, and nearly had a fit, bc I did not have the money. Lb'd h over this... I did not mention what got me upset.. but the ckbook did.. and denied ck card purchase.

Embarrased to tell people I dont have the money for things, so I write ck and then it bounces like rubber,.. now I will suffer more embarrasment and fees.

if ws does finally give me some money after a month or more of none.. it might be enough to get me even after fees.

I am sick over this... not enough to go around.. I am working extra job this weekend doing a skin study for a big 200 bucks, and being trapped there fri thru sunday. I am so tired and exhausted.

I have a side business but no energy to work it when I get home with bouncing off the walls 4 yr old. Why oh why?

Ws just emailed he has 4.00 today, and if he had more money to help me with , he would.

What is this about? alcohol.?

thanks for any help or support... honey

just stressed to the max, and feeling like How can I work more?

h

Oh Honey, I wish I could offer you answers.....It IS the alcohol. They spend so much money wining and dining when they have it, instead of spending it to meet their obligations. My WH went out to eat for both lunch and dinner yesterday and drank for 4 hours in between. The place he went for dinner was not cheap. Then, he tells me he wants to get a place of his own but can't because we (he) doesn't have any money (even though he just got paid last Friday). Excuse me, but he better get used to it if he wants to live on his own - what, does he think his financial obligations are suddenly going to disappear? I hope it gets better for you.

Brit's Brat

What have you done (or can you do) to LEGALLY get that money off of your H? Isn't there a way to have his wages garnished or something? I'm in Canada, so the knowledge I have is different than what would work in the U.S.

In the meantime... budget, budget, and budget some more! It CAN be done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Start by making out a list of the absolute necessities.

Food: how much per week/month do you need? What brand names can you replace with generic?

Shelter: are you renting? Can you move somewhere that is less costly? Have you worked out payment plans with the utilities/phone etc?

Clothing: How much would you normally spend each month? Is that out of habit or necessity? Don't forget about consignment and 2nd hand stores for those kind of purchases (except for shoes of course! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

And for heaven's sake.. STOP writing bad cheques! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You're only digging a deeper hole for yourself. I know... my H and I are still trying to 'fill that hole in' for ourselves.

Karen

Honey - OK you know I am going to ask it - and I don't want you to think that I am trying to offend you or anything but - Why do you want to live like this??? I mean this has been going on for so long ?? Now you have credit cards late, no money to buy your children things, owe your parents a bunch of money, working your butt off trying to make ends meet.... Why I know that you love your husband and I know that he is an alcholic but frankly that is getting old... You need to stop thinking about him and start thinking about you and your boys before you get so far into debt that you cannot get yourself out without claiming bankruptcy and ruin your credit... Now I know you don't want a divorce but you say in your state that you cannot get child support orders unless you file - then you know what maybe the time has come for you to stand up for yourself and file - Make him start being a man - stop saying he is alcholic and making excuses for him... He is most of your problem now - you need him to grow up and start helping with the family... Maybe right now he isn't ready to be a husband then you know what then to bad for him... You are a strong independent woman... You need to file your divorce papers - take a financial stand for yourself - get your life back on track - if he wants to come fine if he doesn't then to bad... You cannot change him - you must have realized that by now - You can only change yourself... Now I don't want you to think I am being mean or anything but I just feel that enough is enough he isn't going to change - he should have a job...

string of email communciations.. maybe I lost if with suggesting he come home? alittle premature? he is not at all for it.. my parents own the house.. and I am not moving as I get all equity, and we are in great neigh for kids... very good for kids and me.. ws has eago issues.

WS:

I cannot live with you. I have tried every conceivable way in my mind to see how it could work, and it just sounds like a terrible life. I do not trust your emotions and temper. Also I WILL NEVER LIVE IN YOUR PARENTS HOUSE AGAIN, EVER. NOT FOR *ANY* REASON.

----- Original Message -----
from honey

If you lived with us, we would all be better off.. in many ways. Have you considered giving this a try with some counseling? It would really help. I hate to see the kids grow up with me only being able to pay for necessities.. food , household expense.. barely any clothes, etc. it is horrible.

it was much easier to work together. I know you blame me for so much of this- but it is not too late to say maybe you should not of left.

Do you really want the boys growing up with a mom in fiancial turmoil and a dad with very little too? This can be worked out, and finanical is only part of it, and why we should be together.

The kids need their DAD AT HOME, and with THEIR MOM, they need to see us work together.

Would you consider counseling , J- or this RCA... it is very low cost and we could start there.. recovering couples anonymous.

Maybe you can move out at your lease end and come home. It is about time.

I love you as much as always, I just need you to care some about how you have hurt me. I want to fix my part, could you please try to fix yours?

I am dying doing everything alone, it was so much better with both of us. SOme thing sthat have happened will be very hard for me to get over, but I can with your help and God's. Please try to work this out, for all of our sakes.

honey
-----Original Message-----
From:WS
Sent: Tuesday, September 10, 2002 3:01 PM
To: honey
Subject: Re: Hi, wkly notes

Lisa I have less than $4.00. If I could I would.

----- Original Message -----
From: honey
Sent: Tuesday, September 10, 2002 10:28 AM
To: ws
Subject: RE: Hi, wkly notes

j, I really need more money than that... can you please give me more? h
-----Original Message-----
From: ws
Sent: Monday, September 09, 2002 8:59 PM
To: honey
Subject: Re: Hi, wkly notes

I forgot to ask you: John left (4) brand new Goodyear Wranglers, and stock Jeep wheels here when he moved out. If you or your dad wants them let me know asap or I am going to sell them. They still have the little rubber things on them; they're new.

----- Original Message -----
From: honey
Sent: Monday, September 09, 2002 5:54 PM
To: ws
Subject: RE: Hi, wkly notes

I thought you had a new job. What kind of money do you expect to give me on the 15th, I need to know. My parents plan to camp on friday nite, and prob. return sunday. So please arrange another nite to see kids... sunday afternoon would be fine too.

I will be gone fri- sun in the skin test study.. this is part of why... I thought you would not want to pick up kids from my parents- please be flex. - I would really apprec. it. I have to be somewhere for skin study right after work on friday.

I am not putting kids between you and grandparents.. but kids do already want to go camping. I hope during the week works for you, or you can see the kids the next weekend or on sunday.

I need to know how much money you will have for the kids.

h

-----Original Message-----
From: ws
Sent: Monday, September 09, 2002 6:34 PM
To: honey
Subject: Re: Hi, wkly notes

If they want to go camping that is OK, I would like to have them at least one night. Your parents need to understand not to ask the kids about camping if it one of my weekends!

Please don't put them in between grandparent fun and me.

I am interviewing for a different job tomorrow. If they don't hire me then during the week would be OK, but I am severly broke.

thanks to everyone for replies... BB, I totally relate to the EXPENSIVE dinners... boy oh boy!

honey

Honey - All I have to add right now is TAKE THE TIRES AND SELL THEM FOR MONEY FOR YOU AND THE KIDS!!!!!

As for all else, I'm sorry I don't have much else to offer. I send you hugs and hope things start to look up for you. Listen to the advice here, a lot of it makes a lot of sense. My best to you.

I emailed back will take the tires, now he wants to know if my dad wants them? i sd for money? he says, not for moeny? maybe he wants to make a gesture to my dad? i replied again, will take them.. my dad has a jeep.. fyi... these are jeep tires.

anyhoo?

h

Honey - Ok you totally ignore my post - I mean I totally see where you are coming from - and I have got to tell you I am there - I love my husband but he cannot be mine and I need to make a better life for me and my girls - Why do you not answer me - is it because you don't like what I say or that there may be a wring of truth to it.. I am not trying to hurt you or cause you to end your marriage - but really you have got to do something legal and sometimes when someone writes it in black and white you just look at it see that it makes sense... I really hope I didn't offend you but I would appreciate if you acknowledge what I say even if it is to only tell me to get lost - I find myself looking for your posts all of the time because I know how much you are hurting and how much you want your marriage to work but I just don't see your husband trying much...

Hi Honey,

I am sorry to see you face each day with the stress you have. It is hard enought to cope with the emotional pain. Add to that the worry about making ends meet, and I can imagine that the worry keeps you up at night. I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you.

Estes

Maw 64, I am not totally ignoring you. I really appreciate your support and concern. I was at work and very busy and had to keep my window closed and such... I just got moved to a new cube where i am highly visible and can't just keep the mb site open or even open enough to reply.. sometimes the posts at the bottom stick in my mind better.

I do remember your advice for legal.

My situation is a bit different in that my husband , ws, does a lot of independent work , when he odoes work that is... and that is cannot be traced or found even if it is legal. See? My ws is quite a sneaky bird. My ws is hurting me a lot. in many ways- I really used to count on this man.

Anyway, I know divorce is right for you right now, that does not mean it is right for me. I am ok with you mentioning the idea and all, believe me I think about it. I just want to work thsi a diff. way, and really dont even think the harleys would suggest filing. I did talk to Jenn a month or so agao and she advised strong plan a. Which my asking for money is not plan a.

ANyway - I know I am lbing when I money stress to h, ws, that is.

BUt I need support.. he has given money when he has it, JUST the last few months have been worse for him, therefore for us... he barely made it by, so there was none for us.. totally unfair to me, I believe and the boys.

I know your stance maw, and that is great and ok... I just dont want to file right now. Also, it costs money to file, a lot... and I do not want to borrow this from my family for reasons other than borrowing.. well my parents would get mad if they gave me the money and I did not D? Make sense? I dont want to D? Maybe next month I will. TO some it make s no sense... I just strongly remember who he used to be.

I have been an lb queen during this seperation, and I am quite demanding and have been during the marriage. This I know is big issue for me... I am having great trouble accepting what my ws is doing to me, because we were once so much in love and so much the most in love couple ever. Love does not pay the bills, but I would pay the bills for a little of that love back? Make sense?, it is still hard for me. I do make a good salary, just a big hunk short what we had together- I have llieved on less, but dont want to lose the house. My parents own it, but the equity is mine, and ws, if he returns. My kids are in good neighborhood, etc.

I liek a little more fun than I get right now. I know I can do this. I guess I wasnt really looking for an answer, just some support. I am jsut needeing friends, and this is my rant I guess... maybe to keep me from lbing.

I know the only real answer a friend can come up with is D... so I understand and appreciate your friendship.

Thanks for being here, my heart goes out to you too. I am sorry we are all here.

I appreciate all who post to me, and I am sorry I dont always reply specifically... I am not the best at that. .. it does not mean your post was unappreciated.. maybe I need better mb web skills.. for me I cant remember what everyone sd by the time I post, and I cant see it? ya know? if there is a better way please let me know.

thanks for being here, HOney <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi Honey,

I will give you some very good advice my dad gave me one time. CALL the CC's and let them know you are in a crunch. They can be flexible if they are aware of your $ situation.

You don't have to tell them any details, just that it is tight right now, and you wanted them to be aware, so they don't report you to crediting agencies.

Please keep your head, and think LONG TERM. It will all work out, but you need to keep calm, and don't do anything rash! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

thanks topie for the budgeting ideas! thanks lupolady for the support and kind words, thanks estes for your support.. hope I did not miss anyone.. just trying to say sthanks.. and thanks bb, for the suport... my h spends loads of money on drinking and restaurants and drinking and drikning. Hugs, HOney <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Honey - OK good I just thought that I was offending you - but the point I was trying to make was that - I don't want a divorce I love my husband - but basically the matter is out of my hands - he wants it - and I have decided that I deserve to have my life back - if he wants to try again fine - but right now he is lost to me... So now if your husband does independent work - maybe he should look for a different job - I mean those children are his responsibility and he should pay - and a court would make him pay... It is time to grow up... I know that most people can't understand why you hang on - I know that people cannot understand why I hung on and still do so to some extent - but there has to come a time I guess when you have to realize you have done everything and nothing is changing - Good luck - and I know what you mean about support here - everyone is wonderful and it really helps to talk to people in the related situations..

Maw64, thanks again... my ws still fence sits. One day he loves me.. this was a few weeks back I got that conversation. He continues to say he does not want the D either, but cannot figure out how to work it out. Well DUh, you have to work at it.

what else, he had me over for several hours a week ago.. progress. but he is still strange, and gets angry anytime I push at all. It is just awful that he fence sits. I think he wants to come home, but will stay gone as long as he can swing it.. then after emails like yesterday I start to think there is no hope.

I am hoping we can go to recovering couples anonymous since we have no counseling money or insurance.

It is quite a drag, this whole situation.

I can't make him get a REAL job.. he has been contracting some, and that is reportable, so I do get that money anyway.. I think he knows anyway. He does give me what he can... I believe, it is just there is no money when he scrapes by.. ugh.

Anyway, I guess I have to stop lbing over money. I do hear you!

thanks, honey

Honey - I believe you have every right to LB over money - I mean you need it to live - he has to stop being selfish and grow up - and support his children - I actually have been having a money issue with my husband - he pays me faithfully every week my child support but then he pays half of all extras - so that would be school clothes, CCD Registrations, Dancing Shoes - etc. Well after everything that has gone on since like July - he owes me 300.00 - which in all actuality it means I have paid 600.00 because I paid my half and his half - and last night I said you know I don't want to be a b*tch but I need you to pay me - I cannot be out all of this money - and the point I was trying to make was that he can't let it build up to so much - So he said fine you will have your money on Friday - he was like I have bills to pay to - and this is my fault why - I mean I put almost all of the bills into the mortgage so he could live outside of the home I have a huge mortgage and he has a stupid rent... I suppose I should be thankful that I get child support weekly - but you know what - I really did nothing wrong - and I am stuck in this awful situation - and I believe for the first time since October I am getting angry - We do not deserve this pain - that is why when I read your posts I think my god why do we put ourselves through this for so long - I mean really I am going to make someone a great wife someday - he just didn't appreciate me. Do I love him ? yes with all of my heart ... Do I cry when he walks out the door without a care in the world??? Yes - but then I think he has nothing - I have everything - the kids the house the pets everything and he has his freedom - so what.... I am going to be happy someday and you should be to.... Mimi

latest per your advice maw 64, on asking for 1/2 of extras: heres some of the morning emails... ugh. I need a break from him.. and his mean comments.

honey-
He wants baseball lessons from Jesse Barfield. These are expensive, around 75 a lesson- maybe he can take from someone else. His piano runs around 75 a month, he is playing flag football at school on recess for free, and my friend , the attorney greg sweeney is giving him some free field goal kicking lessons on occassion. I am fine with football too, but he loves baseball and he needs to be encouraged. I hope you will encourage all sports Jim. I do not want him to get hurt and I think the kicker position is better in ftball - i really hope you will help encourage this. Also Greg has seen and helped many boys get scholarships.. 2 of his sons were field goal kickers on scholarship. He is interested in swim team and I can get him on that for around 70 a month. Swimming is very good for getting someone in shape. It would be hard for me to get home to get him to practice on time, but there is a fleet team that swims 2-3 times a week for 5th graders.

If you could help out with piano right away that would be good. I just wrote a ck for 168 for the last 2 months including some theory competition. Please help me with half of this in addition to your 25% of pay.

h
-----Original Message-----
From: ws
Sent: Wednesday, September 11, 2002 1:27 PM
To: h
Subject: Re: Hi, wkly notes

Yes, you can IM me sometime if I am here. I can record the things we chat. I know it is a pain, but I really have to keep our communications above board, due to the crazy things that you have done.

I am willing to try and help pay for extracurricular activities, but I don't think baseball is one I necessarily condone. I'd prefer football, and if he doesn't want to do that I would prefer to get him into something where he will lose weight.


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

honey,

While I figure this might not be what you want to hear, I am compelled to still respond with it.

Unfortunately it is not always possible to give our kids everything that they want, especially if money is tight and corners need to be cut. It is not the end of the world to cut those corners in those areas. It is far more important to clothe, feed and house children than pile up activities for them (btw, dont you think all those things are over activitying him?). I think that it would be more feasible economically and realistically to allow 2 activities to a child. Sure, we want them to be exposed to all kinds of things because we hope they have well rounded lives but it is not always gonna be that simple. Sometimes freeing them up to simply be a kid is all that they want. Children are not capable of deciding and orchestrating their activities either. They would take one of everything if we allowed it. Allow your son the choice of 2 things so that he can really devote his time and effort into perfecting those 2. This would allow for you to ease some of the financial strain too.

It is sad that the trickle down effect is experienced by your children but that is just the way it is.

And I am going out on a limb with this one (and expect to be flamed) but I must agree with maw. There comes a time when it is not all about what YOU want. YOU want the marriage...YOU want your husband....YOU cannot file for divorce...what about your kids? It might be time to start thinking about them and what is best for them at this point. They need to be financially supported and if the only way to do that is to file...then so be it. Their best interests should be your first concern. And yes, I do know all about it. I have been there ...done that....and I didnt want that d*mn t shirt! I wanted my kids fed...clothed and housed. Plus, I did not want to be a stressed out Mom that had constant money worries. As much as you don't want it to, it reflects in you and your demeanor.

I am not trying to be disrespectful to your and your choices, I am merely stating my own humble opinion.

committed

P.S. The day that I would have to beg my husband for money to support our kids is the day that I would kick his a$$ to the curb. There is NOTHING more selfish than that! (I know..I know...this is a marriage builders site.)

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Hey Honey - OK well maybe you should limit their activities to the ones that they like - not the ones that your husband likes or that you like - Does he like baseball or football??? - Does he have to have a special instructor that cost alot of money ?? You know 75 a month for piano lessons sounds like alot - my girls do and instrument through school that I pay for and they have private lessons well one of them does for 1/2hr. @ 13.00 - and she takes dance for 2hrs. per week - that is all - the other does cheerleading which is a one time fee of $50.00 and dancing for 2 1/2hrs. - Dancing is their biggest activity it costs me 130.00 per month for both kids so it really isn't that bad - my youngest wanted gymnastics and I told you know what I am sorry I cannot afford it... You have decide what is important and the two of you need to sit down and see what you can pay for - What is the stuff about your son loosing weight - ?? He doesn't say that to him does he ?? I saw the pictures of your boys they don't look like they need to loose weight !!! How are your boys with all of this constant stress - or are they not aware of it ??? I have got to tell you - my girls were so freaked out in the begining because I was such a freak - well I still am to a point but I am adjusting and they can tell and they are much better because of it - they miss their Dad - but they want us to get along - and they know their Dad didn't want to be there - they may be kids but they are not stupid - that is why I gave in - for them - I want them to have a normal life - like they used to before their Dad lost his mind...