It was suggested I re-post this here.

WW works with OM very closely. They back each other up and he's her acting supervisor. OM's divorce was final around 4/02, after a three year custody battle for kids. My wife was his sounding board during the ordeal (even after I told her it wasn't a smart thing to do). He was my wife's sounding board during our rough time. Guess the EA was bound to happen.

We started marriage counseling at my W suggestion. At the first or second session with the MC, I can truly say that "I got it". I understood what it was that I did and wasn't doing that was causing a problem.

On her own, my W confided in our Pastor. Our Pastor told her she needed to either get a lawyer and end our M, turn her back on God and go to OM or obey God, cease all contact with OM and commit to me and our son. She didn't like his suggestion at all. However, she told me that night she would never turn her back on God. So, (last March) we arranged to meet with the OM in a pubic place and she would end the EA (way before I found MB). We saw him and she talked with him with me close by. Then I talked with him. When she returned to work the next day she said she told him that she would be looking for a new job. He told her not to hurry because in spite of what was going on, he really needed her talents in the office (I knew what that meant already). She put out some feelers with her old boss that just left, but just missed out (I saw the e-mails). She really hasn't done anything to remove herself from the situation since. Later, during one of her MC sessions the C told her she already knew what needed to be done. That was her last MC session. I still go to MC.

I think I've been good at meeting her EN's, although I know there are some that I don't have the opportunity to meet (the ones at work where the OM is her knight in shining armor). I've told her "I feel like I am sharing her with him and it hurts and there are times I feel like I'm losing her".

We can be very affectionate most of the time and she reciprocates more than before. That's been one gauge I've used to determine if I have been meeting her EN's. I quit staying late at work, I've been helping with the cooking, doing the laundry so she can relax, wash the dishes if she cooks, help her cook, got rid of the second dog, remembered special occasions and got gifts. We've taken 4 weekend getaways at hotels or resorts just the two of us. One was to attend the Family Life Marriage Conference (which was her suggestion). Even the MC says she can't believe how quickly I "got it". We've apologized and cried. She calls me to tell me when she has to work late with OM. That's when I would go to her place of work and "hang out" while they worked so they wouldn't be alone. The calls went from "I guess you want to be here (to baby sit)", to "You need to be here while I work late with OM". These types of things have kept me quite positive about my unbeknownst Plan A. I've felt that I will be able to out last OM. I try to eat lunch with her ever two or three weeks and show up with a rose to put on her desk. I make sure the OM sees me and the rose so he knows I'm not fading away real soon. The rose is a reminder to my wife and the OM that I'm very much in the picture.

She still struggles and I can tell when she is struggling with all of this. I don't tell her that she needs to leave her job because I know it will be a big LB for her. And I feel right now that as long as I am continuing to deposit into her LB and not withdrawing, it's better for us. Also she brings in 60% of our total income. I do feel that we could scrimp by if she totally quit her job, but there is more to it than that. Even if OM wasn't there, I know she is in a job the she loves, is respected by her customers and is very challenging and rewarding to her. I know how hard it is to find a job like that. But I also know that the OM isn't going to leave soon either. He's got alimony. So far some reality has set in for her. He and the other guys in her office have openly stated that it is ok of a guy "to look but not touch" other women. He has openly told her that he plays racquetball with women looks down their shirts if they are wearing one that's large. When he says stuff like that, she comes home all bummed and upset at him. Unfortunately she takes it out on me and I don't always get good time with her. I've used those occasions to try to get her to tell me what's bothering her. She says she doesn't want to hurt me by talking about it and that she knows she shouldn't be upset because it's supposed to be over between them. I tell her that it hurts me more to have her come home bummed and withdrawn from me. I told her it gets my imagination running about the two of them. I told her that I am quite aware of her feelings for him and that I never expected them to just vanish. Almost all of the time we talk and we cry and we hold each other. I like to call them "little breakthroughs".

There are other breakthroughs I think we've hit that keep me believing that I have enough in my LB to keep going (I've been doing this for nearly 10 months now). I think I have to say here is that if God wasn't my constant companion, I'd have not been able to do this. I think (I know) He's got a purpose to all of this!

The thing that prompted me to write is to ask for people's opinion. I found MB about a month ago and have been lurking for a while very excited to see what's happening with many of you. I can say that helpgk has been an inspiration to me, as well as Takola's compassion and wisdom. While I know God has been leading me through this I feel MB is where He wants to be so I don't feel like I'm the only one. I know there are some of you out there that really know what I'm going through and can offer additional encouragement. I love my wife very much and feel more than ever I need to be there for her as she struggles through this. But it hurts me to know that she could give her love to another man and struggle with it after our vows, all the changes she's seen in me and other stuff we've been through.

Greetings S&C,

I am sorry for your situation but glad you came here for help. Like many here, I have been much helped with MB principals. Thank you for sharing your story. It looks like you have been doing the right things. If you have read here widely, you know by now that it takes a long time for the WS to work through the feelings caused by the EA. It looks like you are in recovery but you both still have a long way to go. I am glad she wants to work on things.

Counseling will do a lot for you, as will trying to meet her needs. There are other things that will help. You will pick up on these as you read here. If you have specific questions please feel free to ask.

Yes, it looks like you have done well, don't give up, we all have bad days but we have good also. Hope today is a good one for you.

Ss

Well, maybe you don't have to say, "Honey you need to quit your job, tomorrow would be good," but you should talk with her about the job search (which isn't going on).

I'm not one of the MB experts or anything, but I think the biggest LB of all is an A. So, for you to worry that ending the EA, by means of changing jobs, is a LB, seems kinda disproportionate.

Do you worry that they'll start up the A again? If you do (it would be natural), why should you have to live with that torment? You don't deserve it.

My opinion is just that you need to find a way to gently move her out of that job...or away from him.

SS

I don't want to give up. And I know about both the good days and bad days. I guess the reason I finally posted something was because I had a few bad days in a row. I've been journaling many of my days (good and bad) since Jan. Of course, I usually do most of it on a bad day. I found that the days I write stuff down have been getting less and less.

As far as her wanting to work on things she seems kind of schizophrenic many times. Some days she'll say tell me she loves me then she'll tell me later that she doesn't have those feelings for me but didn't think she was lying to me because she doesn't hate me. Or she'll say that she wishes that she could just close the door on all of this and go back to being the person she used to be and then be as cold as ice when I want to cuddle with her a few days later. But she tells me she really means the encouraging things when she says them. She has told him that she would not leave me as long as I wanted her in the marriage. Which is why in the beginning she would say and do things that would really hurt me. I think she wanted me to make the decision to get a divorce. She even reminded me that I had Biblical grounds for divorce. I said that even though I have the right doesn't mean that it was the right thing to do. Later she told me that if I hadn't changed it would have been so much easier for her to leave me.

Just kind of hope the OM keeps LB her and doesn't have many opportunities to deposit.

Riff

I'm not ready to tell her that she has to quit tomorrow she already been told that by out Pastor and the MC. That's why I think if I bring it up it will be a LB. I just let her know that I struggle with it every day she is there with him.

Am I worried that the EA will start up again? I don't think it has totally ended yet. I mean how do you turn off the emotions and just end an EA when you still work within 8 feet of the OM. I know she struggles a lot being there 30 - 40 hours a week w/ him, one time he's helping her with a big problem, the next telling her that it is everyman's dream to spend time at the Playboy mansion. She's got her own roller coaster rides. In a way I want her to be there to hear that kind of stuff. That way she'll just fed up with it and start to come out of the fog to leave (maybe I'm dreaming too).

Actually she brought up the subject about her changing jobs this weekend, but quickly tried to give reasons not to do that. I did what I could to remove those hurdles. Evidently one of my solutions really touched her. I meant giving up something she thought was very dear to me. She started to cry and said "You mean that I mean more to you than that?" All I could do was to look up to God and wonder why I haven't been able to get her to understand that she is the most important person in my life.

You're right I don't fell like I deserve it either. But, this is the woman that I vowed to love through better or worse. We've been through the "richer or poorer" part.

You're right I do find a way to gently more her out of her present job. It's all the things that will happen between now the time she is so gently move that I have to get through.

Thank you both.

S&C