|
|
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81 |
This am as I was getting ready to go to work and get the kids ready for school, WH calls to talk to the kids. After they are through, he asks to speak to me. He is very cold in his demeanor and says, "I want to make arrangements with the sitter to come over and pick up the rest of my clothes." This is 2 and a half months after he first moved out. I said,"I'll have to think about how best to do this- whether the kids should be involved or not, but I will be there, not the sitter." He said ok- but of course, I became tearful and quickly ended the conversation. It brought up all of those painful separation feelings again........ What I need to know is how some of the rest of you handled similar situations and how possibly can I Plan A on the day he does this? Also- should I just pack up his clothes and have him pick them up or should I allow him to come into our bedroom and pack things himself? That will be very painful!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 290
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 290 |
My opinion only...
He left. Let him pack the clothes. Act 'as if' you couldn't care less. Don't cry.
Sorry for your pain. Are you on Anti-Ds? They are a BS's best friend. Please ask your doctor.
ST
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
OK ... clean out your closets! The evening before he is to come over, put ALL of his "stuff" in a pile in the living room (or any room you have the space). EVERY LAST THING of his. 1. Smile and be pretty when he comes to get his things. 2. Smell good. 3. Clean shiney hair. (go have it highlighted if you can afford to) 4. Have some music going on the sound system (preferably something he does not know you own ... go buy a new CD if you need to). 5. Have some candles going. 6. Have fresh flowers in a vase on the table. 7. Be baking some delicious smelling thing in the oven. 8. Keep your bedroom door SHUT while he's there.(All his stuff is in the living room , he has no business in the room where you sleep... He will wonder ???why?). 9. Have a new "something" to wear ... like a new blouse or a new scarf. 10. Warmly shake his hand when he arrives. THANK HIM.... this will confuse the hell out of him and he will begin to develop a curiosity about you .... something on the lines of: "Thank you so much for doing this H ".<as if it was your idea to begin with>... "I am so glad to get the extra space I need."Then skeedattle yourself to the other room (the kitchen??) where you are reading a recipe book, or a magazine waiting for the muffins or whatever in the oven to finish. Start humming along with the music. Be happy. Be new and different. DO NOT try to HAVE "a talk" with him. In fact .... do not permit him to have "a talk" with you. If he tries to get serious, say, "Oh, H, I'm sorry ... I don't have the time right now to give you my full attention ... which you deserve. Can we schedule it some other time? I REALLY want to hear all that you have to say." <smile warmly> ~~~~~~~~~~ What do you think? Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 290
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 290 |
Yeah, what Pepperband said!
Do have your bedroom cleaned up nice and perhaps have soft lighting, candles, music going in there as well - just in case he goes in there.
Be mysterious. Let him wonder. Be very nice to him. Act like he is doing you a big favor! If he asks what is going on, just smile and give the answer Dr. Pepper gave you to say!
Good luck! You can do it!
ST
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,099
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,099 |
I like peppers approach and think it could work wonders on his mind. Give him a chance to see you in a new light.
jd
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
PS ... Change the locks on your house. He should not be allowed to use your place as a storage area or as a way-station ... he moves out ... ALL of him and his "stuff" goes too. He cannot come & go at his whim. No revolving-door. Trust yourself to do this. You will be more attractive, and his curiosity will be ignited. Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,261
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,261 |
pb511,
Just a note:
If his name is on the mortgage or deed, changing the locks is illegal and all he would have to do is file a complaint with the local PD to gain access to the home.
Also, If you have any momento's of him hanging around...like pictures and stuff, hide them somewhere. It will totally unnerve him that they are missing from their rightfull place!
Another really sneaky but effective idea is to set him on a time limit. Tell him he has an hour and then has to leave because you have plans.
Maybe you might even be bold enough to buy a nice new sexy set of undergarments and leave them somewhere not too conspicuous, but where he will definately get an eyeful! Watch his expression change then!
Good Luck.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81 |
Sad Tiger, Pepperband, jdmac, and kily- You guys are THE BEST!!!! You turned my sad day into LOL! thanks. I especially like Pepper's tweaking of sad tigers "act as if" approach. I think the part about having the clothes in another room is great! I'm sure to get an academy award after this! To kily- thanks for the legal input. I have already changed the locks- I did it right after he left because of a few friends who had their homes cleaned out while they were at work. Hope my H doesn't know what the law says! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'll be sure to let you guys know what happens. Thanks again!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Here's a great CD if you don't have it... Bonnie Raitt's "Silver Lining".... if it is not your usual taste in music .... even better !. Oh, and by the way .... when you pile all his stuff in the living room ... take your belongings and spread them out making sure to take up the space in the closet and drawers his clothes would normally be in. "Claim" all his old space as now YOUR space. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 252
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 252 |
My H moved out 2 months ago and has no interest in reconciling. The usual...don't love you anymore, are unhappy with you, will never be back...blah, blah, blah. You all get it, I'm sure! Anyway, I read pb511's note, and it is similar to my situation. My husband has taken some personal belongings, but most are still here. I got all of his stuff packed up from our bedroom about a month ago as I hated being in there surrounded by his stuff..too upsetting. Shortly after that he went on a packing frenzy for about a week, and now hasn't done anything for about 2 weeks and hasn't said anything. I've been implementing Plan A for a few days now and I personally wonder if it's more 'plan A' to NOT push him to take all his stuff, or pile everything in one place so he has to take it all then and there. Is that not pushing him away, as opposed to being nice, and giving the message you want him back? Am I not getting Plan A? If I'm confused..please..someone tell me! I just feel that if I gather up all my H's stuff and have it take it out the same day..I'm giving up another hope of him coming back. Wouldn't he have asked to take everything already if he was 100% sure? Any advice? I'm new to Plan A so if I have the concept wrong, please say! Thanks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 3,073
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 3,073 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bonnie Raitt's "Silver Lining".... if it is not your usual taste in music .... even better !. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Definitely get this CD! Pepper recommended it to me and it has been playing continuously now for at least 2 months non-stop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It is GREAT! Do it for YOU whether he even notices or not!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Dear Kimmy .... pb511's husband asked to come over to take more of his clothes away .... so .... all she is doing is giving him exactly what he wants ... and, a little bit extra. pb511 is going to be MORE than "nice" ... she's going to be super-duper nice ..... no LB's ... no disrespectful judgements ... no begging .... no argueing .... just giving him what he says he wants ... meanwhile drawing her personal boundaries very, very clearly. Plan A is making yourself into a new person. A more loving person. A stronger person. I do not know if what we've said to pb511 should be applied to your particular situation ... but, in HER situation ... her H has given pb511 a golden opportunity to show her WH what side of the fence he's chosing ... and a small glimpse of life without her! Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <small>[ September 10, 2002, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81 |
Pepper-
I will definitely go out today to get the CD. I have always liked Bonnie Raitt!
Tonight when the kids go with H, I plan to ask him which morning next week will be best for him to take his things. More accomodation.
This is the only plan that makes sense to me. I think any othjer plan is less likely to be most like a Plan A.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81 |
An update-
Tonight's the night WH is coming to get the rest of the clothes, etc.
I've read pepperband's advice over several times. I'm ready for my award winning oerformance! I'll let you know how it turns out.
PS> The Bonnie Raitt CD should be required listening for all MBers-it's great!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I've been enjoying a small "MB vacation" and not posting much ... but, it so happends that I decided to check back in today ... and voila' ... I see this! Best of luck to you tonight. Give it your all. Have some fun with this (if at all possible) ... remember ... a fun <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> person is waaay more attractive than a sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> miserable person. Don't have any expectations that he'll "do anything" ... just relax, smile, and strut your stuff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !!! Pepper
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81 |
Pepperband, Thanks for checking in. Things went better than expected tonight... The scene was set- I even had gingerbread baking in the oven. He came in the house and was surprised to find all of his belongings packed up neatly, ready to go. He said, "I guess I don't need these boxes I brought.You really didn't need to go to all of that trouble." Me- "It was no trouble. I just did the best I could. Besides, I was rearranging things and needed some extra space." He was all loaded up in less than 20 minutes. When he left he had a kind of puzzled look on his face and said again, "I really didn't mean for you to have to go to all that trouble." I think your plan worked!!! At least I've got him slightly confused! Thanks a million!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 789
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 789 |
Dr. Pepper always amazes me with her sage wisdom.
Great going pb511- awesome performance! Loved your reply to WH! It is classic "reverse babble" as Orchid would say.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Gingerbread !!!!! Perfect !!!! If gingerbread isn't a warm, welcoming, homey delicious smell .... I don't know what is !!! Perfect! You OK today? You may experience some let down .... but don't let that bother you. Just imagine the impressive picture you made ... confident, pretty, calm, loving .... and you smelled like gingerbread. I LOVE this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
The beauty of plan A ....... If your H ever returns to you remains to be seen .... but look at what YOU did .... You took a frightening and sad situation ... you "re-framed" it ... and made it your own. A triumph instead of a cowering defeat. You also taught yourself something about yourself .... you learned that you are strong and kind at the same time! You learned that you can face something ugly, and retain your dignity. Believe me sister .... your H is probably imagining YOUR moving on in your life without him ... possibly sharing gingerbread and listening to Bonnie Raitt with another man ... and he is uncomfortable with that thought somewhere in the back of his mind. And, when there is a touch of chaos and unrest in the unholy bond he's formed with OW ... he will have a memory of a serene loving wife in his subconscious .... and he will be wondering ....."Hmmmmmmm. What have I done? Look what I passed up!" Plan A ..... is GOOD FOR YOU !!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <small>[ September 24, 2002, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 81 |
Pepperband, Fortunately, no letdown today. I was thinking the same things you were- I was proud for not falling apart and proud that I held myself together. The puzzled look was "priceless" as the credit card ad says- I know in my heart that my actions hit the intended target. I also know that this is the right plan- no matter the outcome. The uginess, anger, etc. cannot come to a good end. Even if he never comes out of his fog, I am proud of how I behaved. PS The gingerbread was great- I enjoyed eating a big piece after he left. Thanks for everyone's support. I'll let you know if anything happens............ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
|
|
|
|
1 members (leemc),
849
guests, and
88
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,518
Members72,024
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
