(((((((((( 6longyears )))))))))) I just thought you could use a hug from someone who knows exactly what you are going through.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your thoughts on the chances of rebuilding after such a long term affair???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, let me tell you regardless of how you are feeling today, the chances are very good for rebuilding your marriage if you both want to and both work at it.
My wife and I began our "recovery" last May 28th and are doing very well today. All is not "perfect" but the improvement over the past 3 months has been almost unbelievable to me. We are in the process of recovery, and I don't know how long it might take, but if it takes years we are both committed to doing it.
If you want, I can give you a couple of links back to my first posts on the system. You might see some similiarites with your own situation. In brief, I thought our marriage was over on May 3rd, but God had other ideas.
My wife had been in an EA/PA for the past 6 years, so I have an acute understanding of what you are feeling. It was "discovered" by me, not disclosed by her. But discovered seems a bit lame when you think about all the things I ignored over the past 6 years with the blind trust and the belief that she, of all people, could never have an affair.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He seems very sincere in wanting to rebuild, however, I'm having a very difficult time in coming to terms with the fact that 1/3 of our married life was shared with another woman. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His sincerity is something that you have to judge, just like I had to decide if my wife was sincere about ending the affair and trying to rebuild our marriage. Your "difficulty" is entirely normal, so don't beat yourself up too hard over that. You've just had about everything you ever believed in kicked out from under you and you will have to rebuild it one step at a time, not all at once.
The thoughts may never go entirely away, but they will get less and less over time. They will have less of an emotional impact on you. The hardest thing for me to deal with was the impatience. I wanted everything "fixed" now! But it will come in stages for both of you.
You have to start with forgiveness of both yourself and your husband. If you love him and truly want to get this behind you and have a better marriage, then forgiveness is the starting point. I don't mean just a blanket forgiveness. I mean forgiving each and every "offense" of the past and being willing to forgive any potential future offenses.
I hope it doesn't happen to you, but it did to me and to many others. "Backsliding" in the form of occasional contact with the OP occurred for a while. Each contact put us back to zero and we started again. Once some time had passed, it got easier for her to understand and abide by no contact meaning no contact whatsoever for life. Each occurrence required, once I got over the intial pain and shock, forgiveness again. As is all things, "trying" means just that...we are trying but may not have it "perfected" yet. I think in the case of a long-term affair, the strong EA part of it makes the withdrawal a little more difficult because of the habits that were formed. But if your spouse is sincere in his desire to be with you and rebuild, then be ready to make it clear that no contact is not negotiable, but be ready to forgive and start again should contact occur.
I can't stress this part strongly enough, but if you are not both in joint Marriage Counseling, you need to be ASAP. Depending on whether or not you are a Christian I'd suggest either the Harley's or a solid Christian counselor who will focus on God's commands for marriage and the roles of husbands and wives.
Keep posting. You'll find a lot of helpful people here who can listen to you, let you "vent" when needed, and offer advice if you want it.
Take things one day at a time today. When the negative thoughts hit you, feel them for a short time and then say something like, "that's enough for now...back in the closet for now". Focus on the positive things and refuse to let the negatives get the best of you. It's tough at first, but it gets a lot easier with time.
If you find the emotions swinging wildly, get on some anti-D meds. I did that for a few months and it really helps to smooth out the lows and allow you to focus and think clearly.
God bless you as you embark on this journey of healing and restoration.
