My dh knows that I carried on an emotional affair with a guy he works with and considered a freind. However we continued with it after i said we would stop it.However i did end up having a full affair with him. I have not told my dh any of this, and honestly did not ever plan to. However after reading this site I am starting to think maybe I should if I ever want to make my marriage work.

My question is how do I tell him? How do I tell him the worst possible thing in thw world except to tell him his child was murdered?!?! I feel terrible regret and remorse.But how can I hurt him? Part of me thinks he won't forgive me for it and that worries me, but mostly I am thinking about how this will kill him.

any ideas?

nobody special,
Marriages do have more difficulty when one of the partners is keeping a secret. Marriages do have difficulty when there has been infidelity.

There are a lot of betrayed spouses here who know about some or all of physical affairs they're wayward spouses have had. The knowledge doesn't physically kill the betrayed spouse, but it does hurt, to the point where the betrayed spouse feels destroyed. But there are many betrayed spouses here who have gone on to forgive the affair, to recover, to heal, to have a better, more honest marriage.

Not all marriages survive the tellng, but sometimes the reason the wayward spouse has had the affair is for the marriage to end, called an exit affair.

What does your H know about your EA? How did those discussions go? Is it possible, despite your denial, that he believes the A was physical? Has he asked for details? Did you refuse to answer or did you tell him what he wanted to know?

The answers to those questions will give you some idea of how you should tell him.

Did you ever go to counseling? If so, one way would be to go back & tell him there with the counselor present. Or start, you say you "should if I ever want my marriage to work." That indicates to me that something isn't working. You could start counseling and then tell.

I personally don't know how I would have made it to & through recovery without a counselor, but if you choose to tell him without one, do it as lovingly, remorsefully as you can. Ask his forgiveness. You might not get it or you might not get it soon. It's one of the risks you took when you had the affair.

It's far preferable for you to tell him than for him to find out in some weird way. You think it can't happen...it does all the time. By telling him you choose the time, place, and the words.

nobody special,
Hi,I have been in your shoes. My H knew about the EA but I did not tell him just how far it went at first. He said some things to me that made me clam up.

I told him the rest of the story 2 weeks after my affair was discovered by him. I knew in my heart that I could not live with myself or believe that I was truly forgiven unless he knew it all.

Perhaps your H already suspects. I know mine did. But said that he wanted me to tell him on my own.

How did your H take the news of your affair to begin with? If you consider yourself to be safe in disclosing this information then please do it. That would be my advice.

It's not easy. It took me forever to spit it all out and some of the words I had to use were extremely hard to say. But it was all worth it for me.

It will set you back in your recovery. And there are no guarantees, but if you are committed to your H and want to make the marriage work it is the only way to go.

I hope this helps. If I can be of any more help, let me know. I don't post a lot, but I usually check the boards once or twice a day.
1step

NS

I had been pondering about whether or not to tell my H about my A. I had not read MB then and did not know anything about it. All my friends said I was crazy to tell H, so I didn't do anything and kept thinking.

The very weekend I had decided that I must do something, H decided to look through my e-mails. Luckily he only found the ones between two of my closest girlfriends - not the ones between OM and myself, but this was devastating enough.

A lot of people talk on MB about being honest and detail. H read some very intimate detail that he didn't need to know. I could have been honest with him, but saved him some of my personal ravings about OM which were so terribly hurtful to him. I could have spared him a little of his suffering if I had been honest with him.

Also, you will give your H all the facts and options open to him. He may not want to continue your M, but surely he is allowed this choice based on your actions?

I know this will be a terrribly difficult time for you, and even if your A is over, do not think you are safe. My H knew me well enough to know my distress, and the A was on the way out, but still he got hurt more because I couldn't face up to my responsibilities.

Be strong, and take care whatever you decide.

Lisa

well last night I couldn't take it. I had been to see a cousouler yesterday with him and I had lied to her about there not being sex involved. I was feeling very badly after reading how I should be honest with him if I wanted it to work.

it was definately the worst thing I have ever done and will ever do. The only thing worse would be if someone made me murder my kids.

He was ofcourse devistated, he had no idea. We stayed up all night talking. He had alot of questions. He has alot of anger. Unfortunately this OM was his subordinate at work and he has to deal with seeing him today and every day.

I can't believe I did what I did. The remorse and guilt is killing me.I am worried about him today, I don't want him to hurt the OM...that kind of thing. He did not ask for details, but I did tell him some, just because I did not want him to think it was all a great time. Honestly the OM was unable to keep an erection, so the complte sex act was never 'completed'( ironically he was too nervous about H finding out).

The good news is he said he loves me and doesn't want to end the marriage.I love him more now then I have ever, and I hate myslef for what I have done. How could I have been so blind?

In one of his ok momments yesterday he actually said he had alot of respect for me, telling him. he said it took a lot of balls to do what I just did not knowing how he would react.He said he would have rather not known if I could have always kept it a secret, but I was afraid he would find out and then it would have killed our marriage. Not to mention it would have ate me up inside.

Thanks for letting me vet, I am sure I will be back.

HI NS,

I am a woman, knowing my husband has had an affair or several for that matter and he will not admit it.

I am always anxious and always suspicious and it's driving me nuts. It's the knowing/not knowing that is killing me. He can't be honest, so how can we fix the problem?

Anyhow, about your situation, from my viewpoint, I would want to KNOW THE TRUTH. I advise you don't tell every detail of the affair, that would hurt me too much to think about the actual sex acts, but do admit that you are sorry that you have hurt him, but also tell him what was missing in your marriage in order for you to stray, that way you can focus on fixing whatever was wrong even if it was only within you from your past childhood or relationships baggage.

I may not be making myself clear, but your unmet needs whether emotional or physical caused this problem and you both have to address them in order to heal so that it won't happen again, so I believe in the total truth!

Best regards to you and your husband.

Also i wanted to add that the PA was durring a time when I suppose to be somewhere else. SO I have told him that I will be more accountable for my where abouts now. Ie call when I get to where I am suppose to be , or when I get home.

I know I have along road ahead of me.

NS,

That is WONDERFUL that you came clean last night and that he does not want to divorce you. You might even get closer now because you don't want it to happen again. You have to think about what made you stray in order to correct what was wrong in your marriage. Once again, best regards to you and your marriage! Keep us posted.

NS

Well done to you for doing something so utterly traumatic, for owning up and standing up to be counted. I wish I could turn the clock back and have my time again and may be a bit braver.

I do not know your situation, but you will now face a real rollercoaster. I am glad that your H wants to stay by you, but remember, he will go through some terrible times and may want to give up. The fact that you are so sure that you want to fight for your M will only help you to deal with this.

It may well get a lot harder before it gets easier, and your H may want revenge on OM, but I fundamentally believe you have done the best and right thing for your M. It will all be part of the rollercoaster.

Stay strong.

Lisa

nobody,
You do have a road ahead of you, but since you are in counseling, that's good. Stay with it.

Your H seeing the OM isn't so good, but help him manage it as well as he can. The accountability will help, and for certain, if he is seeing the OM, he knows you aren't with the OM at that time.

Give your H lots of love & patience & time as well. Betrayal takes some time to process, but a loving spouse does help.

yes the OM is going to be gone starting monday for 2 weeks so that is good. He only has today and tomarrow to get thru. Then we are thinking about leaving to visit family for a few weeks.

It IS a long hard road, and just today at lunch time we had to go thru everything all over again. I don't know how much more I can stand of it. I have had depression issues all my life and self abuse. Dh has already hidden all the sharp things I can use to cut myslef with. So today I drew on my face with marker, where I would have cut if I had a razor.I feel so god damn dirty and worthless for what I did .The pain I have cause my dh, there are no words to express my remorse.

We are looking into another C because we both we uncomfortable with the one we saw, I am hoping to start speaking to a Chaplian( he is in the Sevice).

I blocked the email addy of the OM( that is how we communicated) as well so that I can never reach him that way again.. I am so willing to do whatever it takes to make this work and repare the dammage I did. Does it ever heal?!?!?!

nobody special,

Follow 4 rules of recovery ... your "in love" feeling will be back stronger than ever !. Get your H to fillin ENQ, LBQ & RAQ asap and sit down and discuss it. Protect your M by learning MB as much as you can ... both of you. Congratulation to find home. Please help others when you have a chance ... there are many BS/WS needs help. The least keep posting your progress on your recovery ... to give some hope and answer "does it ever heal ???". Yes it does and it will if you follow the recovery properly. How to fight sin ?, by keep doing good !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... you heal this with stronger love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-RH-

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Nobodyspecial,

There is something you need to remember. YOU ARE SPECIAL TO YOUR H. Please stop and realize this. He loves you because you are human not INSPITE of the fact that you are human. So please don't go toward the self-abuse. Just listen to his questions and try to understand where they are coming from. He is a man that will need your help. He will ask the questions over and over, not so much because he doesn't like or love you, but because he feels he has failed and is trying to find out how he did.

HE is searching for information so that he can put himself back together. You can help him by simply answering the questions and realizing that even if he seems angry, they are not to punish you, they are for him. The anger is just his pain coming out.

This doesn't mean you should accept abuse from him, but you need to understand that this is MUCH more about him now than it is about you. I realize this is hard for you to get ahold of, but this is really about him trying to put himself back together. You need to help him. I realize your focus has been on OM, but it now needs to be on H.

Have you sent a No Contact letter to OM? If not you should write one, let your H read it and then the both of you mail it.

Hang in there things will get better, but it will take months. So have patience OK?

God Bless

JL

SOMEBODY SPECIAL (I couldn't stand to type 'nobody' one more time)

Are you on anti-depressants now? If depression is an issue with you and with the marker drawing, I hope get a check-up or start-up with anti-deps.

It does get better. My H was in an 18 month PA with a co-worker, we separated 7 times, 14 out of 21 months. In the 7th separation, I served D papers, started moving on with my life, which included an inappropriate relationship with a male friend, thus adding Wayward Spouse issues to all those of being a Betrayed Spouse, and adding BS issues to the WS issues of my H. A real mess, right?

We reconciled in May 2000, and we are happy and in love. We're no longer recovering we are RECOVERED.

Talking to the Chaplan is good, seeking a better counselor is also good. Our first counselor was, plainly, a dud. He had many issues of his own. Our pastor was good, but we kind of wore him out. The second counselor I began seeing on my own was wonderful, H later saw him on his own, and we also did marital counseling with the C. So, sometimes it takes some tries to find the right match.

At this point at least, it sounds like your H has the kind of attitude that will help with recovery, that he loves you and wants to stay married, will go to counseling. That indicates he is likely to be willing to forgive, moreso if you are truly remorseful and repentant. The forgiveness process might take some time, but there is another person who needs to forgive you...you. Sometimes it is easier to forgive someone else than yourself.

Figure out what you want to do to restore your marriage. And do it. Accountability & honesty are great starts. Planning to spend time together, you're doing that too. Look, even without a lot of effort, you've started on the right path.

Check out MB's 4 Rules of Successful Marriage, avoid being the cause of your H's unhappiness, and add the Policy of Joint Aggreement, the 2 of you don't do activities that the other doesn't enthusiastically support.

You'll get a lot of support here. The people here want to see you succeed in recovering your marriage.

thanks:)

I feel a bit better now. its just the overwhelming guilt i have for what I did and the sadness that I could do something to him like this.

I know he needs to talk...... it just hurts so bad to re-live everything over and over again.I know it isn't me , although I admit I have my own feelings of guilt and loss over OM.

I sent him flowers at work , and he liked them very much.He was very surprised.

I sent a no contact letter of sorts to the OM thru email H did not see it, but he knows that i told him NO MORE. I will look up more on the NC letter and see if H want to do that.

Thanks again, I am so glad I found this place to talk.

OMGoodness I almost forgot, my neighbor came over this AM to make sure everything was ok. She was outside with the dog when she heard H yelling and hitting things. Very embarrasing, but I know I feel its part of the punishment.

Hi SOMEBODY Special (I like what Lor(Lor) said! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I replied to your other post and happened to see this
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very embarrasing, but I know I feel its part of the punishment.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't read a single thing any book or here at the MB site that says anyting about punishment! Yes, you made a mistake. But you must learn from this mistake and do everyting in your power to not let it happen again... but you shouldn't feel that you need to be punished.

By telling your H the truth, you've given yourself and your M the best chance that it could ever have in recovering from this.

Prove to your H that you are trustworthy... it will take time, but it can be done. I was in the military when my wife strayed, so I know the additional pressures that a military family feels... we'll be praying for you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I'm glad you came clean, he heard it from you
instead of someone else. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes. My wife has yelled and screamed, cried, all that and she still
hasn't beat me up as much as I beat my own self up.I don't think they realize how much it hurts us, knowing how much we hurt them.

Somebody Special,
I like that name too. I am so glad that you told your H. I know it must have been one of the hardest things you have ever had to do. Remember, I had to do it too. But doesn't it feel better knowing that you have nothing left to hide?

You asked if things do get better. And I am talking from experience. Yes, they do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It has been nearly 1 year for me (Oct 1st was d-day) and my H are doing wonderfully. He even told me the other night that he is falling back in love with me. (I have really changed.) I am falling back in love with him too!

An affair is not the end of the world. Believe me, you can come out on top when it is all said and done.

You are getting terrific advice here. I just wanted to tell you that I am here for support as a FWS if you ever need someone to talk to.

1step

RIF90 my H is a/d Marine Corps !

Thanks for the support. Its been a long hard 24 hours.I did not think I would make it thru last night. While H was screaming and generally letting out his pain and anger, I was overwhelmed with my own pain and guilt I passed out in the kitchen and hit my head on the floor pretty hard.

We are going to make it I am sure of it. But not until many more tears are shed.H said he forgives me and wants to make it work and make it better then ever.

Its complicated because he still has alot of contact with OM, They share a desk at work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and OM doesn't know that I have told H that the PA happened.H has alot of anger issues with him , and of course having to see him like that is very difficult , I can't even imagine. H doesn't want to confront him , although there is hte possiblity he will want to maybe press charges for adultery ( punishable in the USMC). I feel that would be unfair, as I was a equal party in this.

Anyways thanks again for all you support!

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: nobody special ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>H doesn't want to confront him , although there is hte possiblity he will want to maybe press charges for adultery ( punishable in the USMC). I feel that would be unfair, as I was a equal party in this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes and you are paying for your mistake with unbearable guilt and remorse, but how has OM payed?

If your H presses charges for adultery against OM, then consider that OM payment in full for having not only violated your M, but military law as well. You may not be the only woman married to a service man that he has been involved with and if he is not stopped there may be more in the future, and that would be a tragedy that can be easily avoided.

In the one year anniversary of the terrorist attacks against our nation and where our service people are sent to fight these monsters in far off lands, people like OM are a cancer that undermine our brave service men and women's morale by destroying their families. OM in the military are domestic enemies and should be dealt with severely as we deal with foreign enemies.