http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=016069;p=2

The link above is from my original posting,

Today (September 11, 2002) I am still struggling and need a little tweaking. Our relationship is kinda at a stand still. She last spoke to OM over a month ago and still thinks about him daily. I don't know what to do? I have continued to improve myself but through all of this mess I have lost my job, my car, and seem to be loosing my self-esteem. Can someone love too much? I want her but I do not want a shady relationship! She wants to do the right thing but she still does not feel strongly for me. Furthermore she has moved back into the house, but it seems more like a convenience than a want. Loosing my job means I have lost my insurance and ability to pay for counseling. The hot topic right now is that she still feels the need to want to have intimate relations with other men. She has not acted on her feelings but is disappointed with herself, I feel that she is truly trying to make things work out, but just can’t get past some feelings. I am afraid of that mainly because once I have decided to separate it will be hard to accept her back! I do not want to do separate but it seems like the only way she will recognize what we have (true love). The thought of going on in life without her by my side is just downright disturbing. Although I know it would not be a relationship at all if I just accepted her lifestyle & thinking. Living in a dead marriage is not my plan either. I want her to want me. I have been trying very hard to fulfill all her emotional needs but some of them are just beyond my morals and I do not want to alter my morals to keep her home. Should I think about going to a Plan B. Life always has another curve and it seems to never end. Maybe just starting over raising my three children alone is what I need to do. Nevertheless, it is only just starting over with someone else! ! Why can’t we work this out!

This sounds like a cliche' but give it more time. If she was involved physically with the OM there is a bond there that needs time to break, even though it was sin, sex is a bonding device.
She probably feels very guilty and confused.
You need to be firm about the no contact with OM. Let her know that she will never get past this and you two can't move on together if there is contact with OM.She will more than likely respect you by insiting this.
Hang in there, you haven't lost her, but she needs more time.Try casual dating with her-have some fun together. You're in my prayers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Zane -

Just read your old post. Very moving story. It seems like you are in a better place now than you were back then. No matter the reason, she is home with you. It allows you to do a much more effective Plan A. I would not recommend separating at this time.

I think you more or less 'get' the MB principals. Simply keep applying them to your situation. Act cool no matter what. Do NOT Love Bust her. I have been doing a very strong Plan A for over 3 months now, and it seems to have had some effect on our situation. I could not have done this without Anti-Depressants, BTW, since I would have let all the fog talk get to me. On the ADs, I really don't get too upset about anything, and can hold any negative feelings until I can get on here and vent!

If you are not already, please get on Anti-Depressants. They allow the BS to do a very good Plan A. All the crazy fog talk in the world won't phase you. You will *obviously* be a changed man, and that may interest your WW.

I see you have read SAA. Read it again! It looks like time is on your side. Hang in there!

Try to only have fun with your WW. Only be happy and carefree around her. Don't let anything she says bother you visibly. Just nod and say 'I understand,' or 'I see your point,' or 'only you know what is best for you...' get it? Change some of your regular habits or patterns, especially ones you may be aware of that she doesn't like. Re-arrange furniture. Cook dinner for her. Act 'as if' none of this crap bothers you anymore. (It will be easy if you are on A-Ds!!)

NSST

Thanks so much for your comments,
I have been on Wellbutrin for the past several months, and yes I have seen a difference. Furthermore, my doctor, through counseling, has diagnosed me with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), and has put me on Adderall. This in turn has made my life a little easier to understand some of my problems.
I have been patient with her "Foggy Statements" And I am "working" the book His Needs Her Needs, fantastic book! After posting yesterday, I felt the need for another sincere chat with her, which I feel, went very well. Nevertheless I feel sometimes that she still does not understand that what we have is worth more than gold!
Wendy understands that I will work to make our relationship successful, but on the same hand needs a little shaking up to understand that I can go on without her, if needed. Part of the problem is her concept of being accepted by the opposite sex by having intimate contact. Since she already knows that I love her and will be true to her, she still feels that she needs acceptance from other males. We discussed this last night and I feel that she does understand that life does not revolve around sex! However, this is still a long road to recovery. It is hard for her to understand that faithfulness means discipline and that we all have sexual thoughts but rarely & hopefully never act on them, being committed to a monogamous relationship. I really feel that there still needs to be some discussion about past issue (childhood) for her to recover or at least understand her feelings. Thanks again.
Zane

Zane -

I haven't mentioned it on this board, but I am also on Adderall. That plus Celexa and Wellbutrin and I am a walking pharmaceutical cocktail party! Seriously, it all has helped me a great deal.

I have a book you may want to check out, it is called A.D.D. & Romance - Finding Fulfillment in Love, Sex, & Relationships by Jonathan Scott Halverstadt, MS. There is alot of good information in there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since she already knows that I love her and will be true to her, she still feels that she needs acceptance from other males. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe she needs to chase you. She has already won you, so you are no longer a challenge. Perhaps playing a little hard to get rather than out and out leaving will help. Think about it.

NSST