My wh and i had the same (almost the same) conversation (on a cell thismorning no less) You are right, why is it so hard to do. He says i am obsessed with OW and if he is with her or not. He is still talking to her and possibly seeing her. He is self employed so he can do what he wants, when he wants. Do you think i should just let it go, He tells me he is not in love with her anymore, that he is staying with me, blah blah blah, just talk , maybe, heck probably. My gut says somthing is wrong to but what. I wish he would commit to no contact. (he won't, says for me to forget about OW) how, it is the worst feeling. Any suggestions

HI .... I just got my days work schedule ... pretty full ... I just want you to know I see this ... and I'll reply later after I have some of my work done.

Could you please give me some more details to work with? .... things that you think are important. Things about YOURSELF ... rather than about your H at this time.

Thanks.

Hang in there!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thank you Pepper;
My H and i have been married for 10 years, 11 in dec. We have two children. Son 9 and Dau. 7 Things had gotten really bad about 5 years ago. H worked nights and i teach school. Consequently, not much of a relationship going on. I was very lonely, and took on a second job, waiting tables to be around several of my teaching friends (all women) and in general adults. At first i would nag about not talking, and that didn't help, so the job kind of filled the void. Last Sept, I started to think maybe all the stopping at the strip club after work was more than just the guys. So I went out there. He had some of the girls and their H over. it didn't feel right, my gut said SOMETHING WAS WRONG. ( i knew our communication was bad and alot of little things. we were building a new home, had a very bad truck wreck ect...) He invited this one stripper and her loser h over for dinner. After they left. I knew. I told him. Hey she sees you as a good thing,. look out. he assured me it was nothing. He was in love with me things would get better. LOL December 11. 01. D-day. I caught him with a tape player. He was in love with ow. he agreed to end it. I found this web site. cloudyday was my original name. I started plan a and tried really hard. I have had a few bad days. I tend to spy. and then cant handle what i find . (DUH) I always lost it then. I got into his voice mail in Feb. He was still in love with ow. they were going to get married. we talked about a seperation so he could figure it out. but he didn't want to move out. We talked about it again in april. Agreed that we would be semi sep. he could do what ever. I was going to go to my sisters for the summer. He would be finished with her by labor day or move out. I ended up working to pay bills and all so that actual sep. didn't happen. I am plan aing my butt off. We are getting along great as long as i make no demands we are ok. I know they are still talking (love messages, can't wait to be your wife ect.) Labor day comes and goes. I bring it up because i can't take much more. I feel like i do all the giving and work. He says that he can't end it (no contact) because he loves her. their friends.

Today.
i am quiet,. i had an awful night sleep, worring anxious about everything. He ask what was wrong i said nothing, (didn't want to lb)

He gets testy. I ask what is wrong with him nothing.

I said Last night we were going to have s**
why didn't we.. He said its not my fault the kids didn't go to bed (what ever we are middle of the day kind of people) I had made his favorite dinner, homemade pizza, he asked for ice cream. I went to the store to get it.

I asked him to go to lunch with me.

He said so you can know where i am. Do i have to call you every thirty minutes. Why are you so obsessed with this. I lost it. I said. I am working two jobs i never see you i just wanted to see you at lunch ok. I miss you. I told him, yes i am insecure. I worry about it all the time. He said. i wouldn't be if it were you. He said im not seeing her. I said you talk to her every day. He said, you already knew that. I said what is she doing that i am not. He said i don't know we are just friends. He said to call him at 11 to see if we could meet for lunch.

At 11 I call, he is cranky. He says, i have been waiting for you to call for 45 min. I said its just now 11. We agree to meet.

We meet and i can tell he is po. I said i am sorry you are mad. He said you started with me right off this morning ( i probably did) He said you have been naggy for two weeks. ( i said no since labor day) We sort of talk. I told him that i want to be the only woman in his life. He told me i would be but he didn't know when. Then he tells me that she will be moving soon. He puts his hand on the table and says i pinky promise you that you will be its just going to take time. I said so when im 45 and ugly. He laughs and says thats not to long is it. (HAHA)

I have read and tried. My love bank is near empty. I don't know whether to push is or let it go. I feel like he is choosing me by default. That he doesn't love me enough to give her up. She isn't a decent person (stripper) she has no life. All of her kids are either crazy, or messed up by her life. She has been married 5 times is living with # 6 and cheating with my H # 7.
I am beginning to think that if he doesn't look me in the eyes and say that he chooses me, he will end it with her now. That when it does end, it won't matter, because i won't care anymore because i want to be the one he loves, not just the one that is conveinient or easy or even right. Arn't i awful. Oneof the last things he said is i pout. I said pouting is childish. He told me to grow up.. I know what he is saying but im trying not to LB, or relationship talk. I have asked him to go to a MC, but they are far away. We live in a little town. I really don't think he would go anyway. He says, why so they can point out how stupid, and wrong i am. No thank you i know already.AHHHH. I know she is (must be) meeting some need but what. I am too independant, self suffie=cent. I know he has said that she needs him and i don't, and never will. We were both in the army when we got married. Did he think i was a dependant person, ( hind sight, he probably did. He was their for me the night that i was sexually assulted and when i had heart surgery. He took such good care of me. That is why i married him. I wanted him to take care of me. ) What a mess. if you have any advice, please resond, sorry for the long post. s

Thank you for the long post (lots of good information) ... let me digest then respond.

Good job!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

What are your personal strengths?

What do you currently admire about your H? What did you admire about your H in the past?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

OK ... lunch time ... I can type and chew and swallow ... all at the same time... LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I can see 2 really good reasons to work on your M ... and they are 9 & 7.

But, if what you say is factual ... I don't see much in the way of redeeming qualities in your H ... That's why I asked you to name something about him you do admire and/or did admire.

This is important ... does you H have any drug or alcohol history? Does money seem to disappear without your knowing where it went?
Do you have any savings?

Believe me ... the last thingyour H wants to do is to marry a stripper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ... he wants to have a nice wife/family/home and keep a spare stripper for entertainment.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Not acceptable.

Please tell me why you still want him ... I'm not saying you shouldn't still want him ... that is up to you ... but you should have some idea of why ... And, a goal in mind. (We'll get to the goal later)

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

He has always drank, not nightly or even weekly. gets really trashed one or two times a month, no drugs. As for money. He is in business for himself. I don't have a clue what money he has or makes. His mom is supposed to start book keeping for him January 1. He usually pays his and my car payments and on time. I pay the rest of everything. As for qualities that i like about him. Well, when i married him. He was funny, and kind. a loyal friend and i thought a family man. I would have staked my life on him being commited and faithful. I had had a few relationships in the past, and i knew i couldn't stand infidelity. so it is one of the things i looked for in a man. However, we were in the army. So the picture i got of him was skewed. Uncle Sam provided structure i quess. When we moved back to his home town. Everything changed. I already had a son(his) and yet, i ended up being the one to get a second job to make ends meet. I was going to school (driving 200 miles a day) and working two jobs to feed us. When he got laid off he just drew unemployment. He became the opposite of me. I was telling my sister the other day that its like our whole value system is different. He thinks its a great accomplishment to be a good pool player. He has big dreams but no plan to reach those goals. He talks big but in actuallity, i end up with all the work and worry. I am working all the time. I end up giving him money. (not any more because i found out he was tipping other strippers with it) and then I was mad because i needed it for groceries or gas. I guess what we really need is a common goal. When we were the happiest it was because we worked on a boat together. It was a piece of trash and we did it all together. We had it to talk about and plan for. It was great. Now we have nothing in common but two kids. I am not sure i do still want him. But i am sure that trying to fix marriage is the right thing to do, even if it doesn't work, at least i will have given it my best shot. I just need a plan, and a goal. I have some personal goals that i am working on right now -

Drawing more boundries with love - I really need you today. I have to work to nite and son needs to be a football practice at 6:00. Yes i could get a sitter, however, its best for him if you take him.

Telling the truth - even when it is easier to evade and ignore. Such as will you go get me cigars ( i would love to but i am out of money)
I used to write checks and just cover them with my savings. NO MORE

I am an over doer, (maybe a control freak out of control. my house isn't neat or organized) I do, or try to do for everyone. I am trying to learn to say no nicely. Like the other night going to get ice cream at 9:00, because he wanted ice cream. What ever, he can drive. and he has legs. I probably made this monster. Sorry for the long post again. I really need someone to talk to thanks for listening. I have scheduled an appointment with my VA counselor but can't go until dec. thanks again

Is this possible ???

Stripper makes him feel like a man.(Gives HER money)

Wife makes him feel like a wayward child. (She gives HIM money)

I think the flow of money in a marriage is very, very important AND, shows the flow of power in the relationship.

Your H does not like himself very much, I think.

More later ... I have a class to teach right now.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS .... YOur posts are NOT too long, quit saying that!

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Dear Pepper,

Your probably right. I don't think he likes himself. I have always thought that. The army made him feel better about himself. He felt successful, right now he doesn't. I didn't give him any money over the weekend. We had a major incident on Friday. (i found out he had been cashing her child support checks in our joint bank account, (one bounced from one of her childrens dads) I think money is an issue, and i don't even begin to know how to fix it. I am going to look it up on this site. Any suggestions, anyway. I didn't really LB, just said. I want you to tell me thing like this even if you think i will get mad. Because mad is better than hurt, And i am hurt. I told him. When are you going to stop taking care of her and start taking care of me. He said if you want me to stop with the checks i will. I said, Why do you feel the need to bail her out. He said, i don't bail her out. I just left it at that. He told me that she and the man she is married to are going to move about three hours away. Soon. I can't wait.
On the plus side. He was a good daddy this weekend. (one of my needs) He took our kids to oursons game. He was really proud of him. He sacked the QB and recovered 2 on side kicks. Then he watched football with him on Sunday. Usually a beer, and guy day. Points to him. Thanks for listening.

S

If you would like a book recomendation try going to Amazon and do a book search under the author Gary Smalley. He's written several books that might help your husband meet your needs more fully ... thereby making HIM a happier man! Gary Smally does write through a religious perspective, however. If that is not your orientation ... a different author, such as Harley might be better.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Dear Pepper,

Thanks for your help. i just wanted you to know that it is/was appreciated. I am waiting til this weekend to talk to H about anything else. He has a big dead line at work on the 25. He has enough stress. Thanks s

Pepper,

Hey there, just another question for you. Do you think that i handled this ok.

I worked waiting tables last night and made a little cash money. I left it on my dresser, (in hopes that my H would see it and just take it.) Well he didn't, He said he needed money for today, and i said that is why i put it there, so he could have it. He said thanks and kind of looked uncomfortable. I said, don't worry sweetie, im keeping track and when your rich i will remind you. He laughed and said when, and if that happens. His face lightened up a little. I know that money is one of his stressors and it is mine to. i know he really doesn't like asking me for money, and i know that we discussed, him giving her money, and him feeling big, and me giving him money and him feeling little (in a way) I just wondered if you think i handled this ok. Thanks s