Well our situation continues to erode...

We have been in a recovery for over 12 months with the starting months going very well. Over the past few months the relationship has begun to erode to the point we are now, at a nearly "bottomed out" position.

The latest dilema involves former friends whom a couple of weeks ago, she "flipped out" on them. They came over to discuss an issue involving a situation where my W said something to one of their children in a disciplinary fashion. This did not involve our kids and from what I've heard of the story, was "normal children goofing off." Well they (friends) did not think it was any of her business and came over to confront her. When I answered the door, I had no idea of what had transpired. Thats when she lost it. She called them every name in the book using profanity as the main descriptors all in front of our kids. I got in the middle only to close the door and walk out to apologise to the people to tell them I'll talk to them later. Their kids are now forbidden to play or talk with ours (they are / were best friends).

She was angry at me for "supporting them." After cooling a few days, there was some resolve, but mostly her just trying to sweep it under the carpet and hoping everything would go away. The other night I made an attempt to talk about it asking, "isn't there anyway you can get this worked out with x-friends?" In short, her reply was something along the lines, "I'm tired of you not supporting me, you never have, I'm tired that you're trying to control me, I've never loved you, I want my life back again, etc, etc." She walked away.

Letting it try and cool again, I approached her again yesterday only to hear some very similar statements but this time screaming them! Added in this were, "I've never loved you, we can't make it, I've tried and tried, you'll never change, people hate you (me), I hate you, our kids probably hate you, you're a controlling ba#!rd, I hate you for screwing up my life, etc." She proceeded to say that "my involvement with internet help groups (namely MB) disgusts her and I am sick because I participate and she resents anything I do with MB and the people on here, and I want this house on the market because I'm taking half and I'm going to start over!" I think I've covered just about everything she said. My response was short and pretty calm and nearly agreeable to D. I felt it best to walk away.

Now, I know I've never been a saint, but as a result of her A last year I quit drinking and attend regular AA meetings, have been in counseling including Jennifer, and attended anger management group sessions which I still do some volunteer work for. At this point in my life, I'm very happy with me and feel I've gone great distances to improve myself and this will be a life long process. Other people that surround me have noticed marked improvements and I am complimented from time-to-time on the ways that I've changed. My Plan A during the A was sucessful and I feel I still Plan A everyday, but it's just not viewed that way. I'm not sure what else I can do???

A couple of weeks ago in a similar post, someone else suggested "that I am to support my W no matter what the consequences, no matter if we have NO friends by her choice." In other words I was to back my W's screaming and choice to shun these people. I can't ever see how that is my nature nor would I be willing to develop that behavior - FOR ANYONE! We have much different personalities where as I'm fairly passive as she is highly agressive with regard to other people and opinions of others. I feel that we should be able standup for our opinions, values and what we think is right, no matter if it is with our spouse. Am I flexible? You bet. Discuss with me and convince me why I should take on your viewpoint. Also because of the A, we have very few, if any friends left. Any friends got as far away from us as they could. The only friends we have are individual friends whom we never participated as couples. Many of our x-friends have kept dialogue with me only because they believe her A was wrong. The people that I've mentioned above are part of that crowd...

So at this point I am very confused. I feel very good about myself and improvements I've made for me but they go unnoticed. I feel that I've tried very hard during recovery, but we as two individuals are miles apart and just do not get along. Nothing has changed since her A. She WILL NOT read any self help book, she does not believe she did anything wrong (it was my fault because I was drunk and not around), she hates my involvement with trying to help others and she feels "I do nothing but try to control her." Her way of dealing with the A is to "sweep it under the rug" and not discuss it. That way she can accuse me of not being able to let it go. My feelings are so much different than what they were a year ago. Then, I wanted so desperately to try and work everything out, it seemed as though we could not fail if we tried. At this point, after nineteen years, I am now questioning if our M ever had a "solid concrete foundation so we could rebuild the house." Now it feels as though the foundation was always made from sand and it blows / washes away time after-time. Is it time to give up???

I'm open to ANYTHING anyone can add or suggest...

MITT

MITT,

I know educating a WS is a bad idea. But, have you ever pointed out that her behavior is just like someone how is into drugs or alcohol. As you point out you go to AA meetings, so you have a very personal understanding of this issue. I am just struck that her behavior and words are so similar to someone addicted. No recognition of the problem, blaming others for the problem, etc.

I wonder if it would shock her into examining her behavior, if you pointed this out to her.

I really wish I had some good advice to offer you, but you can do little to change her and it sounds as if you have done an admirable job of working on your issues.

It sounds as if counseling might really help her, but her anger and denial are blocking any progress.

Sorry I couldn't help.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

I've tried pointing out some of her issues in the least threating way that I can, and it always comes back, "that it is my fault, I've done this to her and I'm twisting her to be the bad guy!" I've asked her to go to the Dr. to make sure everything is OK medically, she refuses and only gets angry thinking I am looking to cast blame.

It's gotten hard to live like this anymore. I always feel as though "I'm doing something wrong" and sometimes like I'm losing my mind. A few months ago she even tried to deny any PA ever happened after admitting it and talking about it early on??? At this point I think I've tried to be the best I can. I even have a major comfort level with myself in feeling that I have. I guess that's why I'm now questioning, "Is it right?"

MITT

MITT,

If you have given it your best shot, and you are ready to hang it up, then it is right.

Nothing could be simpler than that. This whole site is about giving it your best shot, it does not guarentee that your best shot will always work. Nothing to be a shamed of for trying and not having it work.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A couple of weeks ago in a similar post, someone else suggested "that I am to support my W no matter what the consequences, no matter if we have NO friends by her choice." In other words I was to back my W's screaming and choice to shun these people. I can't ever see how that is my nature nor would I be willing to develop that behavior - FOR ANYONE!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very interesting delimma. I had a similar issue with an old girlfriend I had lived with for some time. A neighbor was playing their stereo loudly, and it was making my girlfriend mad. It didn't bother me at all. She went down and confronted the neighbor. Since I didn't agree that it was a problem, and I didn't 'stand up' for her, she perceived it as very disrespectful to her. She left me soon after that.

That lesson taught me that if you want to stay with someone, you should pretty much support them no matter what. As long as it is not illegal or immoral, you should, at least publicly, support your wife.

All in all, it does sound like your wife was totally out of line, and you have every reason to disagree with how she handled the situation. (You surely understand how she perceived it as not standing up for her...) I am not sure what I would do if I were in your situation. Honestly, you may have to do a Plan B, as her behavior and attitude is draining your love bank.

You might want to slip some Anti-Ds into her Fruit Loops in the morning... (Just kidding...)

Good luck!

NSST