I have not been unfaithful to my wife since we dated 12 years but she is convinced that i am cheating. I am out of ideas to prove the opposite. She doesn't trust me and our marraige is in shambles. anyone have any ideas as to how I can gain her trust?

Shortimer,
What leads her to believe you are cheating? Are there specific incidents, behaviors, unaccounted for time? Has she experienced betrayal before? Does she have a personality disorder?

Look at the MB 4 rules of successful marriage. Are you spending time with her, 15 hours a week?

Do you avoid being the cause of her unhappiness?

Do you both agree on the activities you do separately & together?

Are you accountable for your time? Are you where you say you will be? Do you invite her to check up on you? Is your life an open book?

If you do all these things to reassure her, it should help.

And, lastly, hopefully not the issue, sometimes cheaters accuse their spouses of cheating, the best defense is an offense kind of thing.

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

I think trust is the main problem, I was unfaithful to her early in our dating years and the trust has never returned. Everytime I do anything without her she makes a point of making me feel guilty before I leave. In turn when I am without her I am the type that does not call to check up on her constantly. She hates that!!! I have recently tried to stay more in touch with her when we are apart but when I call it seems her main goal is to spoil the time I am having without her. I expect the divorce papers to be served and they would have been already if it were not for our children. What can I do to avoid divorce court?

When you talk about the time you are apart, are you talking about work? "Spoiling the time" doesn't seem to go along with that. Are you spending recreation time out without her? What kind? Why? How much time involved vs the amount of quality time you spend with her?

Counseling is cheaper than divorce, it sounds like you both have negative patterns set up. You were untrustworthy, she's untrusting. She's guilt-inducing before you go out, so you don't call (more untrustworthy behavior), because if you do, she's unpleasant (untrusting). Ick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

I'd guess you need to spend more time with her, so she knows the people that you do, knows what you do when you go out. And communication is very important, by not calling you avoid communication, she apparently communicates negatively.

Has she caught you in any lies? Has it been 1 episode 12 years ago or many? Lies will come out eventually and the pain can be unreal because of it. Be honest with her. She may get angry but don't hide anything, thats the worst thing you can do in a relationship.

Is it possible that SHE may be having an A?

Many WS's accuse their BS's of having A's to hide their own A's.

I would snoop to find out one way or another.

most of the time i go out without her is work related. golf outings, business lunch,etc. she doesn't understand that these things are a part of my profession and I am required to do some of that type of thing. In the past (12-15 years ago) I was very unfaithful 2-3 affairs as we were dating. since then 0 and no desire to see anyone else. I spend 90% of my free time with my wife and children but she is convinced when I am away from them my time is being spent with another woman. It is just not true and I am out of ideas on how to gain her trust. I have carried cell phones, called her every 2-3 hours, invited her along when possible, but nothing changes her opinion of me. Sometimes I think if I was cheating at least I would deserve the grief I am taking. Is there anything I can do to convince her???

I agree with Lor(Lor). You and your W have learned a very unhealthy way of relating to one another. Divorce is not the answer to this problem, MC/IC is the answer!!! If you aren't going already, then go now! To be frank, your problems are nothing compared to some others I've seen here. You both still love one another, still want to be together; the problem is you need to work through some old issues and learn to communicate more effectively.

Here is the 'tough love' part of my post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Who told you being married would always be wonderful?? Just because things are 'rocky' does not mean the M is over! This is the 'worse' in the vow 'for better or for worse', this is the 'sickness' in 'sickness and in health' and this is the 'poorer' in 'for richer or for poorer'. The two of you need to start dealing with one another maturely and not even consider D (especially since there are kids involved) until you can honestly say to yourselves that you did everything you could do to make your marriage work. I strongly believe that you can't say that to yourselves yet. So, start getting serious about fixing this and stop looking for the easy way out.

Thanks for the responses and ideas I will take them into account as I try to turn this marriage around. I guess honesty breeds trust. I will give it a try.

Dear Shorttimer,

Is there a special woman friend at your office? Is there a friendship that could feel threatening to your wife? Most of us spend more time at our offices than we do with our spouses (not avoidable in today's world). Many women find the emotional connection that a husband might share with a coworker to be very threatening.

I am sorry that you live under such distrust. It sounds, from your account, that you have been very open with your wife and allowed her into all areas of your life. You have made yourself available, accountable and you are beginning to get the new habit of just checking in with her to ease her fears. Have you told her that the constant mistrust really hurts? If you truly have been absolutely faithful (no Emotional Affairs) maybe you could tell her that you are willing to keep your life this open to her (and I am assuming that her life is equally open to you) but that her basic assumption that you are unfaithful, can't be faithful is very hurtful. She searches assuming that she is going to find an affair. It is very different from searching just so you can put your mind to rest that your spouse is faithful. If I looked that closely at my h's life right now, I assume that I would find nothing to be upset about. I believe in his ability to reform himself, to make himself right with God and with me.

MJ

A good potion of my co-workers are women but I have no special relationship or connection with any of them contrary to her belief. I used to go to happy hour with a large group of people or an occasional retirement party. I no longer participate in any of these events because it seemed to anger my wife and pour fuel on the "he IS cheating fire". I will do anything to gain her trust I love her very much.I Can't imagine losing my children and wife over this.

Have you asked your wife why she thinks you are cheating? What signs have you given off to make her feel this way? I am a wife who confronted my husband with this question because of his actions, withdrawl from myself and our children, and basiclly not giving us much of himself at all. I don't know your situation but even if thoughts of another woman interfeared with your marriage you should be honest. It's one thing to have thoughts it's another to let them interfer with your marriage. If she can't give you specific reasons for why she feels mistrust at this time then I would begin to look into accusations deeper. Why would she be saying this? Is it her with a guilty conscious. Communication is extremely important. Listening not just hearing, telling not just talking. It needs to come from the both of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DOWNAND OUT:
<strong> If she can't give you specific reasons for why she feels mistrust at this time then I would begin to look into accusations deeper. Why would she be saying this? Is it her with a guilty conscious. Communication is extremely important. Listening not just hearing, telling not just talking. It needs to come from the both of you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree.

SHORTTIMER,

Just a posibility ... she has or had an affair on her own. My WW soo jealous and unreasonable when she started her own affair again. I am the type not even turning my head to look at other woman ... -RH-