I am currently at my breaking point. DDay was 4 months ago today and WW moved out about a week later. I just feel like I can't take this anymore. She tells me that the A is over, but I know that that is not true. The PA may be over but the EA is not. They are coworkers and I don't know if we can ever get over that.

Anyway, I am just about to the point where I am going to give her an ultimatum. I know that this is against all of the Harley principles, but I have been Plan Aing very well and I don't think a Plan B would work in my case. I just think that it would prolong this whole seperation and A and I can't deal with that anymore.

I can honestly say that I am prepared to lose WW. Over this time, I have made myself a better person (I didn't think I was that bad in the first place). I am young and I have a lot of life ahead of me, and I just know I will be lucky enough to find love again.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife dearly and if she came back, I would put all my energy into repairing this marriage (and she knows this). I just can't go on with this waiting game any longer and have her play me. If I continue that, it will never end.

Just looking for some advice from anyone who was at the point I am at now and what kind of presentation they made to their WS. In reading some threads, has Orchid done this?

2510:

Part of the Harley principles include setting boundries and time frames. These can sometimes be confused as ultimatums. In reality, you are communicating to your W what you can and can not live with. She has control over her actions and part of life is consequenses to our actions.

Now, with all that being said..........how you present this to her is critical. I needed to do the same thing with my W about 6 mos ago. My timeframe was up and my boundries needed to be set. I sat her down and told her that I could never ask her to 'do anything' in regards to OP. But it is my choice what I choose to live with and the future relationships that I wish to have with the person I love. I made it VERY CLEAR that this was not an ultimatum, because she has the choice to do whatever she wants. Our discussion was simply defining what the consequenses of her actions will be.

I hope this make some sense. I don't post much and sometimes have a hard time relating my opinions from a keyboard.

Take care, God Bless, and good luck.

Gib

Just wanted to say I am sorry you feel so bad.

Time and again I have posted that I would not ever, could not ever have continued to be in contact with OM after D-day. My H would not have stood for that, neither would I have been able to hurt him anymore in any shape form or fashion. I feel that at least I am not a complete and utter fruitcase!

There are others out there who can help you specifically, but I wanted to let you know I am sorry this is happening to you.
Lisa

2510:

Sorry to hear that you are in the same boat as a lot of us. I feel your pain. Trust me on this one I am in the same boat with you. Take my advice it doesn't matter if you beg, plead, cry, bribe, make threats, etc.. Nothing will work to get your wife to change her mind right now. I have been in this boat almost ten months and my wife moved out two months ago. Trust me man I have tried all that you are thinking about but it doesn't work. It just makes them want to run further away. I know it is hard but give her space and time. You might be thinking hell I have done that. Well as long as they are in the fog and in denial it doesn't matter what you say out of your mouth. They are in a state and they aren't going to think things through like they would if they didn't have an affair, etc..
Hang in there and go out and do something physical. Work off some frustation. Let her go for now and try your best not to think about it. Give it time and try to bite your tongue because trust me it won't do anything if you say something.
Sorry for the pain you are in....

confused_guy,

I understand what you are saying, and I don't know if I will have enough courage to do this or not. But I have been feeling this way for a couple weeks now.

I just feel in my heart that this is something that I have to do. I can't let this go on forever. I just can't continue to let myself be a doormat and be played by her.

I'm curious as to why you don't think plan B would work in your situation 2510. Would you expand on that for me? Thanks.

Karen

I just think that a Plan B would prolong the seperation and the A and would make it easier for her. It would make me "Out of sight, out of mind" so to speak.

I beleive what I have been doing is sort of a modified Plan B anyway. We do not live together, and when I do see or talk to her, I am Plan Aing my butt off.

Like I said earlier, I am just fed up with the fence sitting and cake eating. I want some decision making done on her part so I can move on with my life with or without her, but hopefully with.

It sounds to me that what you need is plan B. Plan B is all about letting go... however, with a letter given to the WS, it allows you to exert more control over this seemingly uncontrolable situation.

Plan B will still allow for you to move on with your life. It will allow for some closure as well. And should you write up a plan B letter to your W, you can let it all out, in a loving and caring way... that you still love her, but cannot bear the pain of the situation you are in, and that is why you are removing yourself from it. Leave it open for her to contact you should she want to reconcile, and let her know under what circumstances you would move into recovery (#1 being no contact... and the others depend on your boundaries). It's always a nice touch to add some special memories in the letter. Something that only you and her share.

She may be in the fog right now... but one day, she could come out of it. Your plan B letter could be one thing that helps her out of the fog too. And her having this letter is an added bonus, b/c she can read it over and over again to see how much you do care for her and want your M back.

Moving into plan B doesn't mean that you must reconcile either. It just separates you from the hurt and pain, and gives you more control. Just as most of us try and give ourselves a time limit for our Plan A, I think the same should be done for plan B (I believe that Dr. Harley suggests one year).

However, if your love bank is completely drained, then it is too late for plan B I'm afraid.

If you cut off all contact with your W today, with the assumption that it was over for good, and she called you in 2 weeks wanting to reconcile.... how do you think you would feel? How about in 2 months? I think the answer to that question will give you the answer to whether or not you should do plan B, or plan D.

Karen

2510...
Unfortunately they get to eat their cake and sit on the fence way too long. Keep in mind that if they don't choose on their own they are going to choose the side of the fence they have been on for awhile. That is the side with the fog, the non rational thoughts, other man, etc.. If you think you are going to knock her off you really aren't she is just going to lean to the side of the fence you aren't on. This is their habit of trying to just keep themself away from the one that they hurt so bad. This is part of their thinking of hmm let me see if I just don't talk to him all that I have done is just ok. Well we all know that is just easy way out. Give it some time with Plan B. Pick a few months from now on the day you are going to say choose a side. I know it is hard and believe me I am going through the same ****. Trust me on this one I tried say it was me or him. It doesn't work because they are all caught up in the fog. Hang in there.. Go out tonight have a beer or two with a guy friend. Go work off some frustation. Keep hanging in there...Don't go into the fog like your wife...