1ST POST - 2ND POST IS BELOW, PLEASE READ!
As I mention in my previous post, my fiancé had an A (d-day 1 month ago) and since then my life has been an out of control roller coaster. My SO's personality is not one to show much emotion and reading him has been horrible. A week ago he finally asked me to move out and I agreed (Moving out this Sunday), Since then he’s made statement such as "We should rent furniture, just in case we get back together?", "You can keep the car for several months to help you", "I can cash your checks on Friday's, for U"? I don't understand this. Then why am I moving out, if he wants contact with me?

Yesterday, we finally had a heart to heart and he says (the usual saying in the MB site) "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you". He adds "You are the woman of my dreams, in body, mind, sexually and appearance, but I need to be away from you to see if I miss you?" Don’t get this one also!

Can someone explain this, because I feel like I am in limbo! One minute I'm grieving our relationship and the other he is giving me hope, OR WHAT I PRESIEVE AS HOPE.

Am I crazy? The affair, which I just found out, has been ongoing for over one in a half month (Maybe longer), He says he doesn't love her, but he is choosing her over me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Any advice!

<small>[ September 15, 2002, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: Lost & Hopeless ]</small>

When someone acts "crazy" like you describe your fiance' is, a lot of times it is "ambivalence" or dealing with two (or more) feelings that are in conflict.

In this case, it's you versus the OW.

And when you try to understand or make sense of it, it makes you feel like you are going crazy.

No real advice here, just a little "hug" to say, in his situation, his behavior is typical.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF IT. One cannot commit to two mates at the same time...that's the part that doesn't make sense. That's the part he has to figure out.

L&H -- It is what they call here "the fog". I don't know exactly what it is other than truly conflictin emotions. You cannot try and make sense of it. Although we all try; it simply doesn't make sense.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you go through your move. Stay strong. I do believe from what you've said that your fiance will contact you and you will be able to do plan A even while you're in a different living space.

I needed to change the title, as thing have changed. The last time I wrote my plans where to move out today, Saturday, until my SO asked, "If he was making a mistake?" I answered the only possible way "YES", and proceeded to list the reasons, which I'm sure he knows. He then said he would like it if I remained in our home while he went on this overnight business trip and we could talk when he returned on Tuesday. So I did!

In addition, he's been acting so jealous of everything, where am I? Who am I with? What am I doing?

Today, he again approached the subject and asked "Do you think if we stay together it would work? I again replied "YES" with hard work on both our parts, being completely honest and of course ending his A. Our work rebuilding our life and love would then begin.

Now I just found out his travel plans (business plans) were abruptly cancelled and he did not tell me, nor did he come home. Leads me to believe he is with the OW, of course! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Why would he do that after talking about putting our relationship back on track? Why would he lie again?

I know I failed his biggest EM, "Sexually", but I think I've fulfilled it now 1000X’s over. Why then continue the betrayal? Why ask me to stay and then do this to me?

If I wasn't on Anti-depression medication, I think I would do something drastic! Why am I even saying this.......? Please someone give me some advice on how to proceed!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I had to respond, L&H, as you touched me with your last post. Having just gone thru my last round of desperation, sitting up all nite and wondering what to do next, I wanted to give you some support and some thoughts.

I really hate to give any advice as I'm a newbie to MB. And haven't been doing too well with handling my own WH's A and my reactions to it. Been doing things all wrong, but maybe that gives me some special insights, huh? lol. Anyway, here goes....

how have you been handling the last month since d-day? what's been ur strategy? And if Plan A, how are you sticking to it? Good, bad, not at all? Sorry, haven't read your last thread, so if you don't want to go into another repeat, just direct me there...

sounds like he still wants to try. but he also is still confused about what he wants. (if in fact he really is with OW right now. don't jump to conclusions - at this point you're probably just as crazy as he is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

how does he react to questioning? can u ask him about why the cancelled trip and why he didn't tell you? or will it antagonize him? and what about questioning where he was - is this something you guys can discuss?

I'm finding when dealing with my WH that I can't bring anything up that isn't light and breezy. No questioning about where he is or what he's doing. No discussion about our problems and emotions. Don't tell him how I feel, or ask how he feels. We get along best and feel closest when I talk about the news, my work, my daily activities - make jokes, don't ask questions unless they are totally innocent, laugh a lot.

sounds like your fiance responds best to no pressure, backing off, giving him space. maybe he really meant it when he said he needed time to think things thru? Don't know - only you can know that. whether you should start a complete Plan B, no contact at all? I don't know how the past month has been for you - I'm still trying Plan A even tho my WH says he wants to quit just because our last months have been so awful. I need to show him (and prove to me) that I can change and be the kind of W he wants.

my savior has been a friend who knows both of us - she keeps reminding me my WH is slow-moving, slow-thinking, and very jealous of his newfound power and ability to control the situation. do you have someone like that? or would you like to tell us about what your fiance's real EN's are, if you know? you did say he's really hard to read.

Hope some of the more experienced MB'ers come on and give you their advice.

Know that we're all out here going thru the same things. And we are all surviving. Just yesterday I thought I would NEVER get through - I couldn't get out of bed - just lay there and cried and cried. But by that afternoon I was outside with friends and even laughing occasionally.

Find friends to talk to, post here and people will answer, write in a journal or write out your Plan B letter (I got a lot of solace from that! made me feel like I was taking control instead of waiting for him, even tho I never sent it) .

Aren't these middle-of-the-nite screeming meemies the worst!!!!

SH94,

I could not thank you enough for taking the time to write to me, your a God sent! With regards to bringing up anything to my SO's attention, he has been relatively good, but at times he says, "You see this is why it would never work out between us, you keep bringing up!" I do a lot of LBing with that one. I've tried to remain calm and surreal (it's scary to me too!) but even from the get-go I created no outburst. He always says "Why weren't you like this before?" I try not to ask questions about the "A" as he says she is not the problem. He says "He is the problem for having done this to us!" He continues by saying "He should not be forgiven or rewarded, he should have to pay for what he's done” I don't know what to make of all this? Is this the Fog? And if it is I shouldn't believe the kind words he expresses? And if he is all confused, how can I separate the real from the FOG?

What makes me ill is that he is with her......and she knows about me, and what she is doing to another human being isn't right. And I get so angry that he tells me "He loves me more than life itself, that I mean everything to him" and then he has an opportunity to prove it, and he does the complete opposite! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />


I get sick just thinking that thier sharring these great moments and I'm in missery!

God, I need a sign that what I am doing, is right!

How are you doing, L&H? Any new developments?

I think you are doing the right thing by making sure he understands how much you love him and want to hold on to your relationship. Don't try to understand him or "The Fog" - it's not going to do any good. Just let him do what he *thinks* he needs to do, tell him you love him and want him back and are there for him, and then just work on yourself. If he's questioning and saying things like he doesn't deserve you, doesn't that sound like a good thing? Like maybe there is hope?

I don't think you should make it easy on him and give him excuses for his decisions - let him be the one to make all the moves and decide because it's what he wants. Not because you've yelled at him or told him to move out. For example, my WH says he wants to quit on us. I said "you can quit if you want, but I won't. I still love you and I'm going to keep trying". He has no control over me and what I feel. He said he doesn't want to see me, but he won't cancel his trip home next month. He wants me to tell him what to do. I tell him, "I want to see you, but you have to decide whether you want to come home or not." And all the time validating that I do love him, do want him back, etc. Once I reached that level of understanding - that he has to make his own decisions, I can't do it and all I can control is myself - it was easy. (So far! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> See how I feel tomorrow! )

You said:
"I get sick just thinking that thier sharring these great moments and I'm in missery!"

Oh, no, they're not having great times! Not now that you know!! Trust me on this one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I was a WS myself, long ago, and I know the guilt and uncertainty and vacillation and all the other emotions that go with it. Now that I'm a BS.... well, it helps me deal with my WH's condition. I was lost in the "Fog" once myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:26 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

SH94,

It's so nice to here from you. I feel so utterly alone! So much has happened; I have no idea where to start. I ended up leaving for one night, and the next day we talked and he said he wanted to work through this, He explained it would take the both of us spending time together, He also mentioned leaving his pager and cell phone, where I could pick it up and answer any calls, He said he ended the affair on Sunday (I don't think so).

So I came home on Tuesday (Last night) and we had a long talk and I thought, "This is a good thing" and then the horrible scenario again! I couldn’t sleep and since he works midnights (police officer) I called his cell phone and he sounded as if I woke him? I asked where he was, three times I asked and all he answered was "Can I call you back?" I asked him to come home, and when he arrived he was in a horrible and foul mood! I've never seen him like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

SH94, What do I do? I love this man, but I don't think this can be fixed. I feel horrible when he's not by my side and when he is I feel like I've forced him to be here. I'm terrified that in a week or two, he'll tell me his made the wrong choice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I feel like I can barely breath. Is this normal, to fight this much when your SO hurts you so terribly? Can so much damage be repaired? I know this site is full of hope, but is it real?

L&H, I wish I could bring you to the point where I'm at now. You sound so hurt and lost that I am in pain for you. All of us here on this site know EXACTLY what you're going through. But just realize that you will get through it and you will come out a better person.

I can't say it enough - focus on MB principles. Go back and read them. And re-read. I thought I knew what it said the first 2 or 3 times I read it. But I just read it again yesterday and thought, "gosh, I missed THAT point before. Now that makes sense."

It sounds to me like you're forcing things. Back off! You're coming across as needy and you are demanding things from him. Calling him, asking him where he is, asking him to come home, discussing R issues. Do you think that's what you're doing? Does he respond better to you when you force things? Or when you back off and just let things happen?

Remember - you can't really, in the end, force him to do ANYTHING. He is the only one who has control over himself. If he wants to end it next week then he will.

All you can do is work on YOURSELF so you know you've done all you can to make him want to stay. You do have control over your own actions. So focus on changing yourself to meet *his* needs - not yours. You woke up and you needed comfort. But this isn't about meeting your needs. ou're going to have to be strong. And I know it feels like you're doing all the work. ("Feels like", hell! You are!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) But you're the only one who will.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. Please don't take it that way. I just think you're pushing too hard and trying to relate to him under the old rules. The old rules don't apply any more. He's no longer your loving SO - he's an ALIEN! He's too lost in the Fog at the moment to give you *anything*.

What do you like to do? Do you have anything to take your mind off him? Any friends you can get out with? You probably feel like you should be concentrating on your SO and your relationship 100%. Or at least that's all you want to do. But it's not going to help, it only makes you miserable. And he's not ready to meet you on that.

I'm not saying *not* to think about what you can do to change yourself to make this relationship - or future relationships - great. But that's what it should be, focusing on yourself and not on how to control him.

Sorry this is so long-winded. I tend to get a bit wordy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And I hope I'm making sense.

Get some sleep, let go for a while. Then come back and read, talk, post your thoughts. And yes, yell and scream and rant - it will make you feel better.

My thoughts are with you.

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:27 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

God, it's like you know exactly what I am doing!
I am coming across needy and it's absolutely pathetic and the worst part is that I feel I can't control myself, it's like I'm not me or maybe I am?

He keeps telling me ALL I do is talk R stuff or the A, or the OW!!!!!!!! And his right! I cry constantly and I don't even feel like working. My friends, my work, MY LIFE have all STOPPED and it's like were two people who are walking on eggshells.

I know if I don't stop, I will loose him and myself. Therapy isn't helping (of course this is my second week!) But I want something to dull this horrible, horrible pain and the uncertainty I feel.
SH94, again you are a GOD sent! I hope your wife realizes what a special person you are; it takes a special person to sit and comfort someone they don’t know, especially when I am so lost, “I” can only Thank you!

I hope to rest tonight, and pray tomorrow will be a little bit better.

SH94, is this normal behavior after one month in this insanity <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ September 18, 2002, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: Lost & Hopeless ]</small>

L&H -

You asked, Is this normal behavior? You bet it is! You sound exactly like where I was only a week ago. I just found out about my husband's affair in Aug, altho I knew deep down since June.

I think I was MUCH worse than you with my neediness. I read back to all my posts on this Forum and I want to cringe - everyone kept telling me to stop it. I was AWFUL! I did just like you - wanting to talk about the OW, A, R issues, all the time. Or cry. Or want to be with him, be near him. And I kept thinking the same as you, that's not me! I used to be so strong!!

Through lots of reading and talking and posting and more reading and talking.... Well, now I'm sitting back and starting to take charge of myself. I have finally (FINALLY!) realized I can't control my WH's behavior - he'll do what he wants to do. All I can do is be here if and when he wants to come back, and show him that I'm the person he wants to come back to. I've told him that I won't give up - and now it's out of my hands. Now I have to live my life, work on myself, and prepare myself mentally for the fact that he may not come back.

I know how you're hurting. I was there myself only a short time ago. But you will get over it and start to feel like yourself again.

First of all you have to work on yourself. Forget him, forget your problem, forget all that for the moment. You have to get your life back on even keel. (Funny thing is, that's also going to help with your SO! You drive him off by focusing on him. Focus on yourself and show him you have a life, and he might want to see what you find so interesting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

What have you been doing for yourself? You said counseling, which is good (assuming they're a good C, and believe in these MB principles). Do you have anyone you can talk to? Friends, family? Someone who knows both of you? And won't tell you to dump him just because he's having an A? Or even someone who does - they're good too, gives you another perspective. I think what helped me the most was having several good friends who let me dump on them for days, let me cry and scream and tell all. And over and over and over again, so I finally got it all out. And then they dragged me out (kicking and screaming) and forced me to have a life.

Understanding what was going on with WH also helped me. Have you been reading? I downloaded everything I could from this site and just read it over and over. And I come out here on the Discussion Forum all the time, browsing the posts to see what I can learn. And it also gave me hope - I can see other people HAVE recovered.

Another thing that helped me was to do things like I was the one making decisions, instead of him. Writing a Plan B letter (which I never sent), filling out divorce paperwork (which I never will file), setting up separate CC and checking accts (I needed to do that, to protect myself financially). Even taking off my wedding ring. Anything that gave me a sense of control over my own life. Even if WH didn't know about it.

Just some thoughts. I can't tell you if they're right for you, only that they worked for me. Not to get my WH back - he's still saying he wants to call it quits (altho it's only been a week since he said that) - but to get me feeling better about myself and the situation.

I do hope you're doing better today. I'll be thinking about you and hoping all the best for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep posting. We want to help and support you.

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:28 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

SH94,

I'm leaving tonight! I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I was planning on writing him a letter and before he left for work he asked me "what was wrong" I finally told him, I was leaving tonight. He looked shocked and asked "Why, I thought we where going to give it six months?" I advised him I needed to figure out what I wanted and I needed him to be sure of his feelings. Did I do right, SH94? I Hate...Hate...Hate this hope in my heart, that's killing me! I hate to hope that in a week or two he'll get out of the fog and beg me to return and I dream that we work things out and I look back 10 years from now and I say that was just a bump in the road.

My heart kept saying that I needed to leave, because our relationship was turning into MY obsession. I obsessed on how to repair this relationship (VERY UNHEALTHY, RIGHT?), on wher he is? On why were not talking or why aren't we laughing? I was always on the "ON" mode, never a moments rest!

About 10 years ago, I did this same thing with an old boyfriend and he never returned, turns out he is still with the same person. So tonight my heart is broken and I feel "Lost & Hopeless". <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Enough with that, how are you doing? I will be praying for you this weekend. I hope things turn around for us both!

Sleep well!

L&H, I really don't know if your leaving is the right thing. Boy, if I knew all the answers I guess MY husband would be here for me now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

But I do know you've been all over the map in the past few week. You can't possibly make rational decisions at this point. Only yesterday you were wanting to try, and now you don't.

So just sit down and breathe. Think. Ask yourself: What do I really want? Do I really want this relationship to work out? Is this man worth it? If so, IMHO, you need to be with him and working a Plan A. If he's willing to be with you and if you want him, then you should work it for all it's worth.

And that takes lots of strength to get through. I keep thinking about people who call us doormats for sticking around, and I just laugh.

What if you continue Plan B (that is what you're doing, right? real Plan B, no contact?)? He might come out of his fog. But recognize the risk in that. I read where Steve Harley says Plan B is really risky for people like us - no kids, nothing external to keep our SO/WH in some contact. So you shouldn't do it hoping it'll change his behavior. You should do it because it's the only way you can protect yourself - from losing your love, from being physically hurt, from LB'ing and ruining everything.

Sweetie, I know it hurts really bad. I just wish I could give you a hug and make everything easier. If you really can't take the pain then you do have to leave. But if you don't, I bet you're a lot stronger than you think you are. Think about it - what's best for you?

Thanks for your prayers for me as well. You are really a lifesaver. I am feeling so much better about myself and my situation - even if or when WH really does decide to quit. Hitting bottom this time wasn't as deep as it had been, and it only lasted half a day. Not too bad, don't you think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sharon

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:28 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Sharon,

I just think I am making thing worse. He fell in love with a strong women, who had moral and principal and lately I've seemed weak and needy! I can't imagine him wanting someone like what I've become. the more he pulls away the more it seems I chase, this can't be good.

Leaving is not completely to help release him from the fog, but I think I'm losing control. I purchased a book called Obsessive Love and I feel that’s where I'm at <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I feel if in a week or two he should decide it's over, it would be worse. If I decide it's over then......I have no idea what I'm saying.

Sharon, he didn't even fight when I told him, all he said was "Was it something I've done?” “Something I didn't do?", but then went on to ask "Before we go any further, do you want me to cash your check tomorrow?"

I know he loves me, but I think the fog, the stress he is in (Family problem with his daughter), work, the OW and our relationship will lead him to end OUR relationship!

I'm rambling on, I know as you said "I'm all over the place!

Please keep praying for me, I'll do the same for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

God, your story sounds so much like mine! When you say things, it sounds EXACTLY like what I'm thinking about my own situation.

My WH loved the fact that I was so strong and independent (financially and otherwise). Now he hates it! He says that is what drives him away. He says that it's when I show him my "soft" side that he wants to stay (but not the needy, clinging part). I'm not going to become a subservient slave to WH. But there is a soft side to me, and I can show him that without giving up my core self. And deep down, I don't think he wants a slave anyway - he does want me, he's just rebelling against years of my demands and anger and lectures and controlling behavior. I think it is doing me good to push down that controlling impulse. It's still there but I'm learning to control it.

I know what you mean when you say you're afraid it'll be worse if you wait and try, and then he decides to call it quits in 2 weeks or a month or whenever. I went through those exact same thoughts. But like I said, I'm trying to stop controlling. This is my WH's big issue - I control him. And I have admitted this is my biggest fault in the relationship. And yet I keep doing it! When I kept saying, "I'm calling it quits", I was trying to control the situation. Instead of letting him decide for himself.

Eventually I asked myself, is it really going to matter if I wait? What will happen to me (not him, but me) if I keep hanging on for a month, 3 months, 6 months, and then WH does finally call it quits? And the answer was.... nothing. I've protected myself financially. I have gotten through the worst emotionally (knock wood! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) The longer this goes on, the more I feel like I can handle the end, if that's what it comes to - I'm getting stronger, and building a protective shell, and detaching. And most importantly, I know that if and when it does end, I won't have any doubts that I did everything I could to make it work. Do you know how important that is?!

You said "he didn't even fight when I told him". Of course he's not going to fight to keep you. He has already said he doesn't deserve you! He feels so guilty that he doesn't think he has the right to ask you stay. (I'm interpreting here - you have to figure out if this makes sense.) But everything you've said about him and what he's done and said makes it sound like he's trying, even if in some mealy-mouthed half-hearted way. Are you trying to sabotage the relationship? Are you trying to make it easy for him to leave you, so you don't have to put up with any more hurt? That's what it sounds like - as though you're ignoring any efforts he is making (and granted they're few, but it seems they are there) and trying to put an end to this.

I didn't think you were rambling. I just heard you hurting and so confused. And it sounds like you don't want to give up. Again, my very humble opinion.

Do what you think is right. I may be completely off base. If I am, you'll know in your heart AND in your mind. But give them time to calm down and rest and reflect.

Take care, dear, and let me know how you're doing. I may head to bed here in a minute (I'm on the other side of the world and it's almost 10pm here).

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:28 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Sharon,

I did it! I can't believe I left........I did the hardest possible action I think I'll ever have to do. Was it wrong? My heart tells me today, yes! I've tried to cry, to just get it out of me, but I'm numb! I took two sleeping pills to help me get through this first night, in such a strange place.

Sharon, I wish to God I knew what would happen tomorrow. I want to think in a couple of days he'll call, but I guess I know in my heart that I've just open the door to him having a full time relationship with this OW. Was I weak? I believe I gave up on my future to soon. But what's done is done, right? I looked at myself this morning and realized "I am single"? Now What?

God I need some reassurance that everything will be O.K., that I won't be alone forever (I'm 33) but I've never been alone and I never thought my SO and I wouldn't get married and have children. I just thought we would travel and have some fun now and worry about that later! I never did have this dream, a dream of being alone without his hugs and kisses, we’ve been together almost 81/2 years, we never stood in front of God and pledged our love and fidelity, but I knew God had to have blessed what he united, right.

I wanted him to call me yesterday, so badly! To ask me to return home! To ask me to PLEASE give us a chance! But when I was leaving, he just seemed like if this was a decision I made and he was going to back me up. And then he wanted to make Love, I couldn't, I knew if we did the little self-confidence I had would just vanish. We had a good talk and he seemed interested in talking about our past "R" issues and out life together, but at last he had to leave, he put my suitcase in the car and then drove away.
I felt so calm it was eerie.

Sharon, I'm scared this is my new life and that I have to get use to it. I'm terrified of being on my own, of having made the wrong decision! Please say something, even if it's not what I want to hear. But I need your friendship today!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Oh, Marilyn, my heart breaks for you. I know just how you feel. If you're like me, you keep thinking, "this can't possibly be happening to me! We had it all and now it's all gone. Where did it go and how did we get here?!" And the confusion - my God, you must be going through all the agonies of the world! Did I do the right thing? What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to us.

How ridiculous to think that at 33 you're all washed up! Don't even think that way. For one thing it's not true. And for another it's an awful reason to stay with someone - out of fear of being alone! I was 35 when I met my WH and fell into the most perfect love I could have ever imagined. And this was after I thought I could never possibly find anyone again (after my previous M). So banish that thinking from your head!

Now as far your leaving SO.....
You're right - what's done is done. My first instinct was, oh no, what have you done! But then I thought, it's done - give it some time now. You've been going all over the map, maybe you do need a little space alone to sort things out.

How about this? Give yourself a set time alone to think about things, see how you feel, get your emotions in order. How long do you think you'll need? Maybe a week? Say a week - you can see how you feel after.

Don't think about SO or whether you did the right thing. He's not going to give up on you in only a few days or a week just because you've moved out. You can have this time to yourself. And if he sees OW... well, he would have anyway, right?

Spend time thinking about what you want. Do you want him? And think about, if you do want him, what is the best course of action? Nothing has been done irrevocably. You can always move back. Or maybe you'll see after a week that you don't want to.

And now the most important thing - get out and have fun (or at least a semblance of fun! pretend!!). Pamper yourself. What do you like to do? Do you have friends you can call on?

Don't be afraid to open up to your friends and family. Always before in my life I'd kept my problems to myself. Remember, I was strong, in control - I could handle anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> This time I didn't and it's been the most liberating experience of my life. People really are there for you - you just have to seek them out and ask for their help. I opened myself up to them and found so much love and support, I'm overwhelmed. I come here because I know I'm getting support and wonderful advice and loads of experience. But having my friends' physical presence nearby and being able to cry and scream and talk can't be replaced.

So what do you think? Can you do this for a few days or a week? It will be alright, Marilyn. Nothing is irrevocable. You can always change your mind. And maybe this will give him time to think as well.

Take care, dear. Get out, call someone and do something, don't be alone right now. I'm thinking of you.
Sharon

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:26 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

It’s been a weekend I dread to re-live. I’ve been in an emotional roller coaster, of course more down time then up’s.

On Sunday, my car began to act up on the highway and I was terrified of not knowing what to do! (Or maybe that’s just an excuse) But I paged my SO for help and that gave me enough time to arrive at our home (I still consider it my home). He did call about 30 min. later and sounded very depressed, asking “what I did this weekend?”, “that he’s missed me, that he’s had a terrible weekend just thinking about where I was and who I was with”. Shannon it did make me feel good, to hear he had a horrible weekend (WOW! That sounds horrible!)with her, I had a horrible weekend, too! When he arrived we did talk about R, the OW and our next step. H also stated he needed to tell her he was going to give our relationship one last try. But I’m so scared! Worse than before…….Will I mess this up? Will he realize in a week or two that he prefers to be with her? Will I have to start the pain all over again, after getting my hopes high? I’m terrified. I sound so insecure, BUT I AM. I’ve never been here and I hate the unknown.

Last night he came over and we talked a bit, nothing serious just chitchat, but I asked him was the R w/ the OW over? He responded “YES, and now we have to concentrate on us!” Shannon for a moment I didn’t believe him, he then stated “You know Marilyn, either one of us didn’t go looking for this to happen?” I was so hurt with that statement, here he was worried about HER feelings when “I” was being torn to shreds! Then he stated he was leaving (Police officer on midnights) and that would be back for little bit in the early a.m., to see me before I went to work and he never showed up or called. All I wanted to do was call him and see where he was. Was he with her, AGAIN! Was he going to answer the cell, asleep AGAIN, and not at home in our bed, but with the OW! I didn’t want to go through that pain again, so I didn’t call him! But I wanted to so badly.

Shannon, did I accept him back to soon? Am I doing right? Any advice, PPLLEEAASSEE! Sorry to place this on your shoulders with all you are going through, but you sound like you know what you are saying, when you talk to me. It’s a comfort I will never be able to express.

How was your weekend? Have you heard from you WS about next weekend? It is next weekend, right?

Marilyn,
After what you wrote, things sound so POSITIVE for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your SO says he wants to work things out, that it's over with OW. Do you think this had anything to do with your moving out? Or was he already acting like this even before you moved out?

I hope you don't keep focusing so much on the negative. I keep seeing all these positive signs from SO, and then you keep looking for reasons to doubt. Like wondering why he didn't come by this AM and thinking he was with OW. Oh, believe me, I do understand - my C told me I have the same problem! I always look for the worst so that I won't be disappointed. But she said, maybe you should expect the best and expect that things WILL work out. Then if you are disappointed in the end, at least you'll know you've done all you can to succeed. (Now that I know about MB principles, this sounds like a Plan A to me!)

So have you moved back home? Are you planning to? Have you set up the rules for that (i.e. no contact with OW, working on your R, C, whatever)? Have you thought about what the rules should be? This is where I feel totally inadequate in giving advice. I can't get my own life in order! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

But do calm down, Marilyn. Give both of you a little breathing room. Be calm and rational when you talk. No LB's - none! Try to stay consistent with what you say and how you act. Most of all, give it time. It does sound good for you. I'm crossing my fingers - and putting my money on you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for me.... WH comes home on Thursday. Says he'll stay a day or 2, then go back to USA for the rest of the month. After his last note asking my opinion on that, & my reply which advised him to do what he had to do but remember I loved him & wanted him... no word from him. I haven't contacted him & he hasn't written to me. I see my C this afternoon, and then I also set up an appt with Steve Harley for Wed AM. I feel like I will need all the advice I can get when WH comes home. It's the little things I can't decide, you know? I want to put out flowers & bake brownies, but I never do that for his homecoming and wonder is it too pushy? Especially since he's calling it quits? I packed away his personal momentos - too painful - but now wondering if I should unpack them as he might take that as a sign he should go? Silly things, aren't they, and yet I keep thinking if I don't do it just exactly right, it'll be all over.

Well, enough about me. I'm happy for you - sounds like things are on the right track!

Sharon

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:25 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

God only knows how much I want thing to work out for you and I! We both deserve it, don't we Sharon?

Last night the OW called his cell and I answered, she hung up and called back maybe a minute later, I again picked up the phone and this time she asked to speak to him using his position and last name. I gave him the phone he spoke for less than a minute, my heart pounded like never before.....then the bomb! I was so upset that he told me "it's was over, I ended it with her!" and she replied, "I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me" and here she is calling! I was furious of the audacity and lack of respect! My god, this woman is a doctor, she has schooling and yet lacks respect and human dignity!

I was very upset and he did try to calm me down and then I made him upset, he stormed out (Well not really stormed, he is not an aggressive person) a while later we both cooled off and he called, we talked for a bit and he again told me "This is our last try Marilyn, I'm willing to give you 110% but if it doesn't work out, it's over!" Were going to C today, his first session and my third! I do believe he wants to try, but I know it’s going to be tough when someone is making it so easy for you to jump into bed with them, when their door is always open.

I'm scared, no petrified, but your right I have to think positive and positive things will happen.

Please leave your WS's things out and bake those brownies and buy the flowers. You told me not to give up, don't let him think you have. And YES my SO changed his mind this weekend when he was with her; he said he missed me too much to just let things separate us without giving it a try first.

Lets pray to god to help us both through this. Please keep me informed of what's happening with you, lets keep talking, I feel you’ve become a friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />