Marilyn, you are sooo right that we deserve the best! Now we just have to be patient to get it, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I can't believe the nerve of OW, calling your SO after he breaks it off. But I guess they can get just as emotional & needy as we, can't they? Sure do hate to admit we have ANYTHING in common with people like that.

Too bad you went off on your SO though - sounded like a major LB. We're both going to have to watch that kind of stuff. I'm hoping for the strength to get through my WH's time here at home without LB'ing, no R talks unless he initiates them, and acting loving & friendly & completely natural. (Tough order to fill, isn't it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) I will probably be spending a lot of time out on this site and talking to my friends when I feel the need to vent.

BTW, what did your SO mean by saying "This is our last try Marilyn, I'm willing to give you 110% but if it doesn't work out, it's over!" Did he specify how long he's giving you? Or what the rules are? Do you think he really is 110% committed to saving your R? I don't mean to come off as negative here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> just wanting to point out potential problem areas. And maybe I'm just projecting my WH's attitude onto your SO. WH said we were going on our vacation last month to save our M. Turns out he'd already decided it had failed and was giving it one last-gasp effort, hoping "something would spark". Meanwhile he was mooning over OW, exchanging e-mails the whole time, ignoring me, being unfriendly & angry. Not exactly 110% !! And I'm not saying your SO is doing that - don't take my questions wrong!!!! I was just wondering what your SO meant by his comment and was wondering, if he isn't 110% committed to trying, (and only you can know that) if this is something you 2 need to work on. At least he's going to C - thank God! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, WH sent me a note this AM and said he's delayed his return till Sunday. My 1st thought was he didn't want to leave OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> but then I called him to find out his plans & discovered it was work-related. Actually this makes things better for me. You're absolutely right - I WILL put out flowers & bake brownies, and maybe even my special West Side Pasta dish for dinner. And now I have all day Saturday to get ready for his return & do it up right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Isn't that funny - we've never met but I also feel like we've become friends. You can't imagine how much it helps to "talk" to you, offer my little bits of advice (no matter how wrong-headed they may be) and talk about my problems. What a relief it's been to know someone is going through the same things as I and can understand and sympathize. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Be strong, Marilyn! Watch those LB's and when you feel like you're about to lose it with SO, yell here instead.

Sharon

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:25 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Your Question:
What did he mean by: "This is our last try Marilyn, I'm willing to give you 110% but if it doesn't work out, it's over!" Did he specify how long he's giving you? Or what the rules are? Do you think he really is 110% committed to saving your R?

He told me that if the relationship was going to work out it's because we both worked on it "hard". He also mentioned I (about three weeks ago) asked him to give us 6 months, he then said "I won't put a time frame on our relationship", But he wants to rebuild the magic, our conversation, getting out at night (We're in bed by 11:00 pm on his days off), taking vacations just the two of us (For the past four years his now 14 year old S has been with us on every vacation) and doing spontaneous things.

One major LBing I did in addition to the lack of sex was I was sooooo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> tired when I got home from work I would just lay on the sofa (watching TV and being LAZY) and would not move, he says "I wouldn't take care of him! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> " He was right, I did nothing for him other than complain and spend money like there was no tomorrow!

I've tried to be very attentive and make him feel special, my sex drive has improved (That's weird?) and that's one of his concerns, "I am acting?" Or that I will go back to my old ways and I'm only acting this way because I almost lost him! I pray that my drive continues, this is one of his major EN, and I always new it! I'm having him fill out the EN questionnaire, I think he's open to doing it and I hope this gives me a better insight to what he needs.

Sharon, I think at this point why would he tell me he wants to try? He could have continued on his own, right? I had left the house and did not call him for three days and he was the one who mentioned trying, I avoided saying anything regarding "us trying" when I spoke with him. But I don't know, this could still be the FOG, one minute he wants me, the other minute he wants her!
That's how I feel, that's why I'm so scared!!!!
He also says that he is speaking from the heart, that for the past three weeks he's been telling me he wants me to give up and that NOW he is the one that wants to try?

Only GOD knows what he has instore for our future. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

By the way, my email mcastro@centergate.tv (Just in case you need to vent this weekend!)

I think you hit on it. Your SO didn't have to ask you to try again. But he did - and you have to believe he means it till he shows otherwise. That's what I mean about not dwelling on the negative so much, Marilyn. I'm not saying you should have blinders on, but don't look for things that aren't there either. Give him a chance to prove it without putting up barriers.

You sure have been thinking about how you've contributed to the R problems, haven't you? Good for you! Problem is when you try to change, your SO thinks you're acting and will go back to your old ways if he comes back. There's only one way to prove it to him, and that's with action. Long term, every day, be consistent. Prove to him that you're the new, improved Marilyn! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think that's one thing my WH expect from me, is for me to get tired of my latest "act" and go into a new one (or old one, as the case may be). So whenever I get really discouraged, I think about how he expects me to give up and LB and be the "old" Sharon - and that strengthens my resolve to continue in Plan A. I'll show him, that old so-and-so! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Finally decided to talk to Jennifer and get some real MB advice on what to do. She advised me to keep on Plan A'ing - ask him to go along on my holiday next week, tell him I want him with me, show him I care (flowers & brownies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) but don't push him too hard. So it's nice to know I'm heading in the right direction. And she clarified just how I should approach his visit and what I should do if he decides not to stay here but go back to US instead.

Thanks for e-mail address! I will try it out and make sure it works!! Tonight I am going to sleep early - haven't been getting hardly any the last few nights, I think I was too keyed up about WH's impending return. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hope you're doing well and holding to your Plan A.

Sharon

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Sharon,

How is everything going? Any news from your WH?

Me, I'm a mess. When we spoke last my SO had decided to come with me to counseling and they (the C and SO) talked for about 45 minutes and at the end told my SO, "You have a tough choice to make, but only you can make it." Since then I have a weird feeling, what if this woman pulls us apart instead of together? That's one of the things on my mind. The next is that on Monday night my SO told me he would like to take it slow, VERY SLOW and this means living apart. I really don't want this put I agreed. Sharon the tough part is that I feel I am doing all the work, I mean ALL the work. Last night he was so distant and dry, he said he has no motivation, not even to call me. That he wonders about what he is doing? Is it the right decision? He is so confused?

Is this the Fog? I feel like I'm losing him again. Last night I purchased beautiful lingerie and had dinner on the table and candles everywhere, but he seemed so far away. I told him that he looked great, and he replied, “Marilyn I’m the same person you’ve been with for almost nine years!” That hurt, but he apologized, and he could see that it hurt and that made him upset. I feel like I can't go on, but when I think of the alternative I convince myself to try one more day. I am terrified of this weekend, he hasn't said anything about spending it together, what if he's with me and then decides he had a better weekend with her last week (even though he told me he was miserable), what if it was better?

I'm scared Sharon, the more time passes the more I realize all the hurtful things I've done in our relationship, how I am to blame for this! Believe me when I tell you I might not have had an A, but I did worse by him. I was selfish, self-centered, egotistical, mean and unloving. Who was that person? Where did she come from?

Can this be repaired? Should I still continue to call him? As you I feel one wrong mistake and I'm doomed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Sharon should I post my question?

Absolutely, Marilyn - get out on the board and post your questions! There are so many experienced people out there who will give you their advice. Use them! I especially like Orchid and Catnip and TooMuchCoffeeMan for giving me that kick in the pants I sometimes need. Maybe you can post a thread asking for them.

And of course I would like to keep on talking to you, I hope you don't mind. I'm still pretty much at the same stage you are and don't know how useful my perspective is, but talking to you has helped me so much. I had to stop talking to my friends about this because I felt like a whiner. They can't understand that this is all I think about, and they just want me to get over it and move on. Having you and others out here has been a God-send because you all understand it's not that easy.

Anyway..... here it is, my perspective of your latest, inexperienced as it may be.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yep, sounds like SO's still in the Fog. He started to come out of it when you left, now you're back & he's starting to regret giving up his OW. Stay steady, be consistent, Plan A. Remember, you were going to stick to it. This isn't going to get fixed in a day or a week. Expect him to back-slide and change. In fact, TooMuchCoffee Man told me something really useful on one of my posts - he said, "Don't expect anything from your WH and you won't be looking for things that aren't there." That was absolutely GREAT advice. Before then I'd expected my WH to continue acting like a real H - meeting my needs, showing me affection, building me up. And when he didn't I would be devastated. Now I don't expect it so when he does do it, it really boosts my spirits.

I know you're scared, Marilyn. I remember those first weeks and months - my God, I was panicky, my heart was racing, I actually threw up for several days straight. But believe me, those feelings will pass as you begin to let him go and work on yourself. Till then, do be careful how you present yourself to SO. Jennifer gave me some advice during our C session yesterday: Don't let that fear show. You have to show him a calm, strong, and loving Marilyn. No fear, no neediness, no crying, and absolutely no LB'ing.

Jennifer also said something else: this is going to take a long time. Remember that just because you meet his EN one time, it's not going to boost his Love Bank to the level where he's back "in love" with you. You have to do it numerous times. Each time the level rises and rises, even though sometimes it isn't obvious to you. And eventually, if he lets you keep meeting his EN's and if you're consistent and don't make withdrawals (e.g. Love Busting) then at some point his Love Bank will be at the "in love" level again. It helped to have her put it to me in that way.

I'm planning to go backpacking next week - it's a national holiday here, and the whole country is off for a week. I asked WH to go with me, as this is our absolute favorite thing to do. That's when Jen cautioned me not to expect a miracle afterwards. She said yes, this will raise the level of his Love Bank. But it will still probably be in the negative. So she said to remember not to get discouraged and that I have to keep making deposits. Now I'm trying to make plans about how to do that. Obviously can't go on holiday all the time - I have to earn a living! - but maybe cook him his favorite meal, let him go golfing with his buddies without getting onto him, go out bike riding with him in the evenings. I'm thinking, I'm thinking....

Anyway, I went off talking about me and my WH so you might get some ideas for your situation.

And I was going to get an e-mail off to you, and then saw your post and started writing here instead. Now it's 9:30pm, and I'm ready for sleep! Haven't been sleeping too well at all lately - too jumpy about WH's return.

Sharon