First of all I am a bit of a hypocrite. I changed my name because my H had read some stuff here and it made him angry and withdrawn, after I had always felt people should not have to hide their feeling here.

So anyway, I am a long time poster,H affair began 3 years ago, we seperated for 6 mon, and he has been home for 1 1/2 years now. But he refused conseliing, withdrew, moved out of the bedroom, and continued some contact with OW. I am ready to work on ending this, since we cannot seem to recover, but am wanting to do it in a loving way and to give it one last shot. But I need to move on if he is not going to be in the marriage.

Here is what I am thinking of saying: H, I love you. I would do anything to have a loving and close relationship with you. I dont want to be just roomates, I am not happy with our communication, I desearve more. If you are not able to give it to me, I think we should seperate {divorce?}. And this time I will move on.

I want to say that his continuing communication with OW has built a wall of secrets and lies between us. That he has put communicating with her over communicating with me.... but maybe this part is best left off.

What do you think? I am stuggling because I have issues in my past that have made me have a difficult time feeling I desearve love, and respect, and speaking my feelings. I have lingered so long in a bad situation, plan Aed too long, longer then Steve H would have had me do it even because I cannot demand more for myself. Even now I think I will put it off a little more, talk to my counseler, continue working with her before I talk to him... Anyone have any advice?

Don't know you're story, but can certainly appreciate your delima.

I don't know if you have ever read anything else besides the Harley's stuff. I have read different things and take a little in from each along with advice from counselors, pastors, and my own gut feelings. The pastor was the one who told me not to take anything he said as gospel, that I needed to take something from all of my sources and weigh it against my own circumstances.

Have you read, Dobson's, "Love Must Be Tough". I recently filed for D, mainly to stop my wife from leaving the state with our boys. However, even though I would like to still see a reconciliation, I am prepared (as much as I can be) to continue on with the D.

Since I filed, my wife talks to me and treats me differently than she has since D-day. Actually expressed sorrow for hurting me for the first time that I actually believed her. No, we haven't moved toward recovery yet.

Your situation is quite a bit different. I do believe that if we were able to reconcile that I could not live through this in the same manner again if the A were rediscovered or another A started. If that were to occur, I would immediately go to Dobson's approach wich is more like going straight to Plan B. Maybe even a little tougher.

My thoughts and prayers to out to you. Maybe check into a divorce recovery program through one of your local churches. I am attending one that begins with a reconciliation group to explore every option before throwing in the hat. And as helpful as the board and folks here are, sometimes it's nice to talk face to face with another warm blooded human being who's going through something similar.

I sat and talked with the pastor the other day. He suggested courting and dating my wife to try and win her heart back since someone else has won it over at this point. At this point I am willing to give it a try along with a lot of prayer.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Biscayne,
Thanks for responding. I have read mulitple books and tired divorcebusting , MB, combinations whatever. I have not asked him to leave since he came back, and I feel like I have waited too long and dont have alot of love left for him. I had thought about going to a divorce series at the church I know of, maybe that is a good way to go, thanks for the suggestion.

beenhere,

Hopefully you can find a group like this locally. One of the things that they talk about in the Reconciliation group is working on yourself so that you can lead a better life with or without getting back together with your spouse.

Again, I don't know your story, however, I believe that taking the time during Plan A to work on yourself is very important. I feel like I was able to gain enough strength during this time so that if and when my WW is interested in working on our relationship with me then I will be able to stand strong on a few things. I would insist (lovingly and kindly) on IC for her and MC for us both. Also NC ever again with OM. These are things that we (and especially I) would need to rebuild that shattered trust. I don't want to look at my wife a year from now, or two, or ten, and wonder if she really loves me or just settled.

I think that IC is just as important to her as it is for me. I think that if we do reconcile, she will eventually come to the point where she feels the weight of what she has done. Through her own guilt, not anything that I would instill. When this does happen, I could see her being suspicious of me whenever she didn't have track of me, thinking that I may have an A of my own in retaliation. Not that I would even entertain the thought (crulest pain you could ever inflict on a spouse), but I know she would eventually have these feelings without some counseling.

Hi L,

I can understand. You are not asking for permission you are asking how to tell him, right?

Coming to this realization takes time for each of us and that time will vary but when it settles you know and it seems like you know it.

I did. Last year when I finally decided that what I needed to heal was to have the OW completely out of my life, this included all who associated with such including the WS. See he was at home but still acted like a WS but with a bit of caution. But then I had to up the level of respect. I found it necessary for him to show value to be allowed to live with us. It was NOT a privilege for us to be subjected to the A while he lived with us. It would be a privilege for him to live with US and he would have to live by our family's rules which included NO WS in any shape or form.

When I got that upper hand (I was accused of making house rules which I admitted to so now what?!?!?), anyway when he couldn't manipulate it any longer he conceeded. The OW was NOT a happy camper at thatt point but so what?!?!? Neither was I.

Now after I did that I did feel relief. I also went into depression but then was able to pull out of it and from then til now have been able to keep my head above water. When I do not feel secure, I tell H and it is his responsibility to make me feel safe and secure. Just a look or a hm....... now does it. Quite an improvement from last year.

I recommend identifying and settling your boundaries....... healthy move for you and your family. Not for the A though but who cares about the success of the A ?!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care,
L.

Biscayne,
I think I followed a pretty good plan A the first time around,I worked on myself and felt strong, but I failed when he came home and altough he agreed to counseling and no contact, he soon became confused again and started talking to her and did not follow through with counseling. I dont have the energy to go through it any more, and I am working on myself, but with the goal of being strong enough to speak my feelings and move on.

Orchid,
Thanks for understanding... this is Lora or had you guessed that already? I need to figure out my bounderies and set them, I dont think I ever have before in my life. I'm not sure I ever felt I desearved to have any. I cant do this any more. I am lousey at talking and speaking my feelings.

I don't know if this will help anyone else, but my WH and I just returned from a Retrouvaille weekend. It is just for troubled marriages. It doesn't directly address the issue of infidelity. It teaches you a new way to communicate your feelings without fighting.

The program consists of a full weekend and then 6 follow up sessions. We are cautiously optimistic for the first time, that we will be able to recover from this horrible time and put it in our past. There was one couple there who had been separated for 4 years, but were planning a complete reconciliation after the program.

You might want to look at their website at www.retrouvaille.com. Good luck.