Things haven't changed much here. When WH is drinking, he is verbally abusive and keeps telling me he wants to move out, is in love with OW and then begs me to please file for divorce. The next day, he's always sweet as pie and promises me he is going to do something about his drinking. Before, I would argue and yell at him. I have learned...now, in a very calm voice, I just say, "I am not going to discuss this with you when you are drinking, I will be happy to discuss it with you when you are sober." He just keeps yelling, but at least I am not contributing to the madness. The other thing I am no longer doing is calling him when he is out drinking to see where he is/when he is coming home - big LB for him. After yesterday's C session, though, he'll be lucky if I ever call again even if the world is ending....

We had a very nasty C session yesterday. Alot of yelling. As you all know, we BS's are behind everything bad that ever happens to our WH's. Listening to him, I am the worst person to ever walk the earth and he is the "victim." He sat there and told his C that I harass him with my phone calls and, very often, he doesn't answer the phone because he doesn't want to talk to me because I treat him like a child. The sad thing is that I have been Plan A-ing out the ying yang - avoiding anything that he has previously said bothered him about me. The C asked how he is doing with getting a handle on his drinking and whether he had gone to AA. He told C that he is going to AA, which he is not. He also told C that he hasn't had any contact with OW since we reached an agreement as a result of our last C session and got really angry that I do not believe him or trust him - after all, it's been 3 weeks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Today, I learned that is a lie, because one of our acquaintances mentioned to me today that she and her BF had seen WH out drinking Wednesday night, but that he was on the phone for a VERY long time...when I asked WH about it, he first told me he was talking to his Dad (it would have been 3:00 a.m. where his Dad lives) and I just raised my eyebrows. Within a few minutes he admitted that he calls OW whenever he is angry at me....

Today, he left the house at 1:30 p.m. dressed all spiffy - cologne and all (which he only wears on special occasions) - and still is not home. I guess it's going to be another one of those nights.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-10 months
Status quo

Forgot to add 1 thing - my Love Bank is running VERY low - may be in the red.....

Brit's Brat

Sorry to hear this, BB. Unfortunately the drinking is just such a difficult thing to deal with...and until he realizes his problem and decides to deal with it, there's not much you can do except protect yourself, and take care of yourself.

You may want to check this book out:

Games Alcoholics Play - Claude Steiner

Hang in there...you know we're here for you!

Hi BB!
You say things haven't changed much but the reality is you are changing and you are in a process of personal recovery (with or without H). That is the beauty in this dark situation. You are growing as a person and you will come out on top (with or without your H). So even though your marriage may look horrible, your situation is in a process of improving. The outcome will benefit you (with or without your H). I think with this perspective you will see that you are not wasting your time and your life and you will not feel as though you wasted time with him.

Here you are doing what you can with your life and releases trying to control your H. You recognise he needs to have a desire to change, you can't change him:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Before, I would argue and yell at him. I have learned...now, in a very calm voice, I just say, "I am not going to discuss this with you when you are drinking, I will be happy to discuss it with you when you are sober." He just keeps yelling, but at least I am not contributing to the madness. The other thing I am no longer doing is calling him when he is out drinking to see where he is/when he is coming home </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here you are sticking up for yourself in the proper place (counseling) and not being a doormat and allowing him to walk all over you:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We had a very nasty C session yesterday. Alot of yelling. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here you are recognising that this is his perspective in order for him to justify his actions. Just because he says these things you are not accepting it as truth or allowing his perspective of you to be your perspective of you:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As you all know, we BS's are behind everything bad that ever happens to our WH's. Listening to him, I am the worst person to ever walk the earth and he is the "victim." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As far as his comment:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He sat there and told his C that I harass him with my phone calls and, very often, he doesn't answer the phone because he doesn't want to talk to me because I treat him like a child. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a happy, loving relationship your H is happy when you call, he welcomes it, looks forward to it, etc.

Here you are not being decieved by the lies which would lead you to insanity. But rather you recognise the lies for what they are and you have a clear perspective between what is real/true/facts and what is not:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The C asked how he is doing with getting a handle on his drinking and whether he had gone to AA. He told C that he is going to AA, which he is not. He also told C that he hasn't had any contact with OW since we reached an agreement as a result of our last C session and got really angry that I do not believe him or trust him - after all, it's been 3 weeks! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is important to express to WS that it takes 5 years to get over an affair and that they have the power/ability to speed up the process with their words and actions or slow down the process with their words and actions. For me, if you lie, the 5 years starts all over again.

You keep doing what your doing: improving you. He will soon have to make a decision if he wants to improve himself too or go find a disfunctional OW to be with. Either way you win. You want a healthy relationship not a disfunctional one. Just take it one day at a time and recognise that the growth you are experiencing in your personal recovery will reap a lifetime of benefits.

We are here for you. Keep posting!

Hi BB- I need to ck out sc's book, games alcoholic's play too! I have been doing very well the last 24 hours avoiding lb's... actually got to go to lunch w/ ws, and see ws last nite- and spent the nite at his place.. wow. It was real progress... I kept my mouth shut and he started to actually say some nice things.. I even got an apology for his hostility towards me. WOW>

Alcoholics are still human. We still love them just the same, they just don't know how to treat us right, right now. I suspect you intimidate your ws, and he wanted to be with you... in order to be taken care of to begin with.. in some ways.. but not that you take care of him and want him to act right, he doesn't like it!

That is what happened with my alcoholic. I don't know if my h will ever stop the drinking, it is hopeful.

I am very sorry you are in this situation, the bars and the alcohol.. and the women all make him feel better, temporary fix for low self esteem.

They drink because of low self esteem along with addiction issues, and because of self hate.

It is awful.

Now from one wife of an alcoholic to another... i kindly suggest you not call him an alcoholic.. or even say that you are not talking to him right now because he is drinking. I suggest you say, let's talk about that later.. etc., stuff like that.

It all depends on if you are willing to live through his drinking phase of life. Many of them do grow up or get sober, etc. Some don't . I thinki my h has enough good in him, although some on this board probably wonder.. that i can live with some aspects of the drinking problem.. although I am very fearful of this yoyo never ending because of the drinking. Things used to be a lot better, and I dealt with the drinking, but not as well as I should of.

That is why I am now DETACHING WITH LOVE from drinking and nutball behaviors- do not detach with anger, etc .

My h also thinks I think I am better, et c. I know more, I know what is right. I am the righteous one, etc. Well, it drives them away... why the heck else do they go for lessor women...

B/C- these women do not intimidate them, and they can be a drunk and these women dont even care, they might be drunk too.

GO TO AT LEAST one to two alanons a week for the next year and more if you stay... even if you seperate go to alanon.. it will help you, and boy is it helping me... to get stronger.

I too, get told I am the phone call harrasser.. I have even been told he will turn me in to the police for phone harrassement, which is very very silly- I admit I have called to much at times, but I am not a harrasser.

THey feel watched, like we are the MOM's. My whole relationship with my H majorly changed after the first baby... when I had to stop partying.. not that I ever partied like him, but I knew it was time to be mom, we just do. MEn dont totally get it, especially alcoholics.

I am sorry you are in this similar boat. HEY, thank your lucky stars there is no available maid... ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just kidding! My husband categorically denies that issue. I brought it up yesterday and almost got left at lunch- we had a mex. waiter at the plaza club. See my h likes fancy food too! i was wondering ifyou work at the plaza building! I did have a nice fancy lunch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and it was a little bit sweet and romantic.

I think that is the real bad thing, what woman doesnt want to be dined and wined and have a nice time out with her special man, and one who doesn't care how much he spends on you, is just so great! Especially if you are like me and grew up conservatively.. i.e. my parents never took me to lunch at the plaza club! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, that flashy life does not always pay the bills.. my h worries later about oh.. gee- we have to do this, pay this bill? mow the lawn? d o dishes, clean the house? what? Gee, I just want fun. it makes them such fun guys to have fun with.. maybe yours is not as bad as mine.. but I am talking about my big spender. I love it, but I hate it, and then i get to be the BAD GUY MOMMY>- which I just hate.

Well, i am going on and on.. will go for now.

Hugs a million to you, you deserve it. Take care of your baby.

Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />