I was home a couple of days before I left again. It has been really bothering me what steps she is willing to try to make OM love her. I am feeling numb and don't know what I want any more. I know I love her and want her to find happiness. Today I asked her if she would make an appointment with a C and she couldn't understand why. Now remember, this woman has gone to the extreme of paying someone to put a love spell on OM. At least that is what it looks like.
Anyway, on to my question. All she ever says is that she wants time apart so we can know if we really want to work on this. Of course she wants my to deploy so it all looks normal as none of our friends or family know what she has done. Today she told me (again) that it would never work because I will always bring up what she has done. I tried to tell her that I probably would never forget it but it’s not something I want her to live with and remember forever. I told her that before we can move past it we have to face it and deal with it. I think she wants to be apart so she can freely pursue OM with out anyone in her way.
Now am I wrong for not leaving? I feel that if she wants time, she should find somewhere to go. I told her this and now she thinks I am trying to punish her by kicking her out and keeping the kids. I just cannot win!
To make things worse, I have a "friend" Female, who writes me daily to see how I am doing. Our friend ship has grown to be more, at least for her. I told her that I love my wife and will work on my M until it was dead. Is it? It feels nice to have someone finally make you feel like you are worth something. I know it can only lead to nothing good and I make sure I daily mention that I love my wife. I am just so confused, not because of my friend but because of what my W is willing to do for love somewhere else. I don't understand.
CD

citydweller,

I can relate in that I have a WW who will not cut contact with OM. I don't know how you feel, but I feel like I'm her back-up plan at this point.

I suspected an affair for a long time and found out about a month ago. I've been trying to work on things, but she wants me to put on a facade that everything is fine. After about a week of that, I determined that the only way to get some self-respect is to not condone her disrespectful behavior in any way or make her continuance of the affair easy for her.

Talk to a male friend about your problems. DO NOT involve yourself with another woman while you are still married. Back away from that situation as soon as you can. Kindly explain that you need space to sort your marriage out. You definitely will not fix your marriage if both of you are involved with other people.

I've been emailing an old college roomate about my difficulties and he has been very understanding of the situation and has given me a lot of good advice.

Believe me, I know how you are feeling, because you wonder if leaving or separating is the right decision. Just yesterday, I asked my wife to cut contact with OM or find another place to stay. I had been debating that idea around for a while, but I found more evidence of dishonesty and knew what I needed to do. She has not decided what to do yet.

If you don't know what to do right now, don't do anything. You'll know. For me, I came to a point where I cannot have any respect for her if she continues to lie about and hide her relationship with OM. If you've been reading about plan B, it's basically to separate so you can preserve what love you have left for her.

One thing that my friend stressed to me is to not leave. She created the situation, and if anyone should leave the home, it should be her.

You are worth a lot. You are not alone in this struggle. A lot of people on this board will give you a lot of good advice.

citydweller,

I have to jump in here and agree with h4b. You need to talk to a male friend. You said it's already grown to more than a friendship for her and it seems to me that you are treading on very dangerous ground and may be in the beginning stages of an EA. Believe me, I'm not trying to slam you. I made the same mistake of talking about my problems to someone of the opposite sex, but then came to realize that I got to where I would rather talk to him than talk to H. This isn't going to help your marriage in the slightest bit--it will only add to the confusion on your end. Please, please take advice from someone who's been there, don't continue to talk to this woman. Find a male friend (I've always heard men are better at keeping things confidential than woman are anyway, lol.) that you can trust to talk to. Just my two cents worth.

I have felt like asking her to leave months ago, but I know she has gone through a lot with her parents passing and the situation around that. I guess I just feel that if I truly love her I will hold out. I just don't know if that is the right thing.
I don't know if I can talk to a male friend of mine. I am so embarrassed; I don't know what I would say. I have wondered if it was time for plan B, but how do I know when I reach that point? I don't want to push and have it back fire on me. I guess it like going to Vegas, You do what you feel is the right thing and hope the odds are in your favor.
Maybe it is time for plan B, the only problem is I deploy a lot and leaves my kids with her. Not a bad thing just will hurt my effort in trying to keep the kids.

I don't feel like I can tell you anything about whether to ask her to leave or not; I'm a newbie myself around here so I don't feel that I should tell you one way or another.

I know it's embarassing; my H possibly has a C with XOW. So believe me, I understand the embarassment. Why do you think I post so much on here, lol???? No one knows who I am or who H is and I can let it all out. I have talked with my sister and my sister-in-law, but I watch what I say because if this mess does get straightened out I don't want them holding it against him. I don't worry about my SIL as much as my S--she's got too much redneck in her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So I have to really watch what I say to her or make sure there is time in between me talking to her and her seeing H or I worry that she might attack him. It's not really funny, but sometimes the mental picture (when I'm mad) is. I mainly keep my thoughts and feelings for here in MB. If you're too embarassed to talk to a male friend, maybe the anonymous posting here would help. I just know that having a female friend that you "put all your burdens on" is not good for your marriage. It will only add to the confusion and if your W finds out she may feel justification for what she is doing. Just my two cents worth...

CD,
You are correct, if you deploy you will have a much harder time gaining custody of your kids. She will use the "abandonment" card.
You might try to post on the "Emotional Needs" board, title it, "I need help". There are alot of oldtimers there that have alot of wisdom. Some are facing custody situations and seperation also.
It sounds like she is using you for a back up just in case her fantasy dosn't work out. Many times I read about BS's choosing to give the WS an ultamatum because they can't handle being a "door mat" any longer. Most of the time that is what it takes to wake the WS up and clear the fog that they are in.
Your wife sounds like a clasic fence sitter. She will most likly stay on the fence as long as you allow her to in my honest opinion.
Good luck,
SH