Hi everyone,
I have been reading here so much over the past month, but have not posted until now. My H has been having an EA for the past 8mths with a co-worker, with some admitted PA (though hasn't confessed to sex, and I haven't asked, but have to assume as much). D-day was 7/4/02 while on family vacation (we have a 3yo dd). He was acting very distant and rude to me and I caught him on MY cell phone late at nite. Confronted him and he told me he wanted a divorce. I was devastated but knew in my heart that something was going on w/ this coworker. That night a strange calm came over me and all the anger I had been holding onto in recent months just vanished. We did alot of crying together and I ended up consoling him...very surreal. I had agreed to stay on and finish out the week of our vacation if he agreed not to contact her. We ended up having the most wonderful days together and were intimate again numerous times. Made me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. Also very stressful too because we really talked (and cried) for the first time in a long time. Lots of old hurts and fears came out during those days.

But, of course, when we got home again reality set in and she was back in the picture. Before I found this site, I did alot of LBing, but he was disrespecting me so much by talking to her at all hours of the nite in my house. I just couldn't take it. And his mood swings were absolutely unbearable. I, of course, was a mess both emotionally and physically. I'm much better now, on anti-depressents, working out at the gym and going out w/ friends as well.

A little history...We had been having problems for over a year but they had been building for a number of years. I suffered a depression during a 3yr struggle w/ infertility. Then shortly after the birth of our miracle daughter, WH's oldest sister was diagnosed w/ pancreatic cancer. She died 9/00 and he never really grieved for her, so he's been depressed for quite some time. During this time, we just drifted apart - me throwing myself into the care of our daughter, he spending time w/ friends and drinking excessively. He has also been drinking more than ever during the past year.

The day after our 8th anniversary (8/6), I wrote him a heartfelt letter and told him I loved him, but deserved to be loved completely. If he couldn't do that, I wanted him to leave. He agreed that we needed to separate and since then we've had some really up & down times. He's been looking for a place and supposedly he'll be moving out 10/1. About 1-1/2mths ago he started sleeping in the basement (family room), so we've been separated already in a sense. The past month we've had very limited physical touch and if he did kiss me, it was on the cheek and all hugs just went away. This just hurts so bad b/c we'd always been such a physical couple (hugging, kissing, always saying I love you, etc).

I've been plan A'ing for approx 2mths and really do feel good about myself. And, he has noticed the changes in me. The past two weeks he has been very angry, but I haven't taken the bait (for the most part). So, last night he called a friend of his and the wife made some nasty comments to him. He was very upset and started talking to me about it. Also, this past week his closest friend (really, the only father he's ever had - major issues w/ bio dad) had a heart attack. He's doing OK, but I think this shook WH to the core. He'd been avoiding him for months now, so in a way maybe this was a godsend. He's out there now spending time w/ him.

Anyway, last nite we sat at the kitchen table and just talked and talked (and cried). Also, drank alot of wine (too much). He just kept saying I was so beautiful, he's never stopped loving me, I'm such a wonderful person, etc etc. I asked him for a hug and we just clung to each other. Then he asked if we could kiss and we passionately kissed there in the kitchen. We didn't go any further, just talked. He asked if I had any questions for him. I asked if he was "in love" with this other person. He said YES. But, then he went on to say he wanted to make love to me so badly, but couldn't. That I was such a part of him, I make him whole. He cares so much about me. He was bawling like a baby. I DON'T UNDERSTAND this...we have such a long history together, both good and bad. He had lied to me earlier in the night b/c he showed me a shark he had on his necklace. Said his boss picked it up in Peru for him (faxed him the pictures - long story there too). Anyway, while sitting on his lap in the kitchen, he said OW gave it to him. "She doesn't have a pot to piss in, but she saw this shark and charged it on her credit card". I wanted to rip it off and throw it out the window, but I just said OK, thanks for being honest w/ me. Proceeded to tell him that I loved him, would always love him and wanted what was best for him. This relationship w/ this OW will never last...what's worse, we all work for the same company (they're in a satellite office) and we have lots of mutual contacts.

So, I continue to Plan A, but this is so hard. I love him so much and do realize the part I played in breaking down our marriage. I guess I just need support in knowing I'm doing the right thing and this pending separation won't be the end of our marriage. I know we have a long road and he has many issues to resolve (anger, drinking, affair), but I know that the man I love is somewhere buried deep inside there. God, I ache so much...

Thank you for listening. This site has been a godsend already.

Many hugs.

Welcome to MB Rosedust. I'm sorry you're feeling such pain. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But at least you should know that most of us on here know EXACTLY what you're feeling right now.

Kudos to you on your actions to your H when he told you the truth about his necklace! That's a perfect execution of plan A strategy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Feel free to vent on here if you need to, especially if it helps you to keep from LBing your H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You say that your H is looking for a place, and is planning on moving out for October 1st? Well, that's still a couple of weeks away, and things could change between now and then.

I am one of the BS's on here who was separated from my FWH. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to do a great plan A while H was in the house all the time. So you might find it to be a good thing should your H move out for a while. It is one of the best ways for him to get a good hard dose of reality too. But don't forget that you can lovingly assure him that you would like him to stay, but understand that he needs his space right now. Keep that door open.

And keep on sharing if you need to let it out. It sounds like you've been reading up on here enough to know that there are many of us around reading your posts. Sometimes, even if we don't get many responses, just knowing that there are people reading what we wrote helps us to heal.

Take care,
Karen

You are doing so well! Your story has many similarities to mine--the struggle with infertility, "miracle" baby and depression, drifting apart. I very much understand your pain and am so sorry. My WH sounds a lot like yours--I am such a wonderful person etc. and he still loves me, BUT he has strong feelings for OW and doesn't want to give her up--they are still in contact as far as I know. We are six weeks into the second Plan B. It is very hard to do as well as you are living together in Plan A. My WH's continued contact and lying to me almost killed me and I had to Plan B. Being separated is very hard, but it might be a good break for you. All of this not LBing in the face of such painful comments--how dare he be so appreciative of her spending money she doesn't have on him--as if that wouldn't hurt you to the core! They are so damned oblivious at this stage to our hurt. I keep praying and taking care of myself. The A will resolve itself somehow b/c it is doomed! Hang in there and keep posting, I think it helps.

Thank you so much Topie(Karen) and Anne for responding to me. It's comforting, albeit very sad, to know that there's others out there going through the same thing, yet willing to reach out and help. I really felt desperate when WH said he wanted a divorce when I confronted him...it just cut me to the bone. How could he possible know that this OW is "the one"? I almost laughed in his face but was too numb to react. Though, he did tell her that I reacted in a way he never expected...hadn't seen that side of me in years. As I mentioned, the anger just went away. Really weird when that happens.

Now I know that all betrayers say typically the same thing. Not that it makes me feel any better, but to know that it's "standard stuff" is a little easier to swallow. I love you, but not in love with you, we're better friends, etc. The other nite really threw me for a loop because it was the first time he allowed us to talk seriously and he broke down and cried quite a bit. He did most of the talking and I just listened w/out giving advice (very hard to do). I just KNOW that given some time and effort we can have a wonderful marriage.

He has alot of issues from his past and had shut me out over the past few years, especially this last year. He works in the same bldg as this OW and she has tons of issues herself (that could fill up another post). Guess they gravitated towards each other in bad times and that "in love" feeling was created. She's 31yrs old, though still a teenager in many ways...has a 15yo daughter, never married, etc. My WH had a rough childhood (abusive father, etc) so in many ways missed out on those fun teen years. It's as though they're reliving their teens. She's the fun one, while I'm the one w/ the stressful job, bills, a child & house to care for, etc.

Anne, can I ask, was your IF struggle mainly your own? For me, my H seemed oblivious to the pain I was going through at the time and my desperation for a child. Not that he didn't want a child and wasn't hurting too, but he always felt he needed to be the strong one so I wouldn't fall apart. So, the withdrawal began...

Also, are you still separated? Can you tell me a little more about your situation (if you feel comfortable, that is).

Thank you again, it means the world to me to have a place where someone understands.

I'm feeling so confused today about this whole situation. It's been 2-1/2mths since D-day and WH is still deeply involved in the A as well as completely "fogged". Sometimes I think he sees the "light of day" for a few moments, then goes right back into the fantasy.

We will be separating as he is looking for an apt for 10/1, and he is not sleeping in our bedroom at this point. Since I have not been trying to educate him recently (major LB) he seems much more receptive to me, much like best buddies.

His behavior at times makes me crazy...angry, happy, loving, bizarre. Please tell me this is normal???

Also, if anyone has experience w/ separation (though I will continue w/ Plan A), was it helpful? I know that we cannot continue as we are...

Hi Rosedust- I know how painful it is to think about being separated. It seems like it is the quick road to divorce court. However it may NOT be! My H seemed determined to divorce me ASAP for the single coworker he was madly 'in love' with. I was so devastated! I kept telling him divorce was wrong according to God and that we have 3 kids to raise together. However- he was so brainwashed by OW that our marriage was 'hopeless' he was constantly mentioning divorce and selling our brand new home. I thought he had lost his mind- truly!!!! Because he refused to end his A or go to counseling I consulted with friends from church and asked him to move out to think. He did so for about 6 wks- Of course I was so hurt I thought my marriage was over for sure. He came over to see the kids but was emotionally distant and cold to me. I figured things were truly at the end. He even told me he had been consulting a lawyer about divorce. I tried to stay in plan A as much as possible when he was over to see the kids and whenever he brought up divorce I told him it was wrong and I would never agree to it for moral reasons. Finally at 3 mo past d-day he filed for divorce on me at the urging and pressure from OW.She kept putting more and more pressure on him to leave me for HER and eventually he began to see her true character. The day I was served with papers he totally freaked out and began to cry and said he was making the worst mistake of his life. Have you read the book "Love Must be Tough' by James Dobson? There are excellent strategies for separation in that book.I really recommend that you read that. "Hope for the Separated' by Gary Chapman is great too for emotional support. Take care and just take things one day at a time! lifeismessy

Rosedust- I just wanted to add one more thing to my post above. If your H consults an attorney while he's out of the house he'll discover that his having moved out will be bad for him in terms of getting custody of the kids. So he may try to move back home BEFORE he's emotionally ready to re-commit to you. This happened to me so I learned the hard way. H moved back in saying he wanted 'help' and yet he still slept on the couch downstairs for 6 more wks and was cold to me and it was even WORSE for me than during the time we were separated. So be SURE he is in counseling and has broken it off totally with OW BEFORE you let him move back in. My H was still in secret contact with OW after he moved back in and that made things a living hell!BE CAREFUL!!!!!

Lifeismessy,
Thank you for your replies. I am going to go out and get those two books you mentioned. I have been reading this site and many other books since D-day and they have helped me put alot of things into perspective.

My H is so emotionally messed up right now that it hurts me to even look at him. I don't understand how he "thinks" he can be so happy with this OW when in reality he is so miserable, not to mention drinking to dull the pain.

I know it will be difficult to separate but in some ways, it will be easier for me to get through the day to day stuff. Our situation is a bit complicated since we work for the same company and have many mutual contacts. I work in the corporate office and they are in a satellite location in the next town. Lots of people know we are married so that's difficult. I'm getting pretty good at putting on a happy face -- and for the most part I am happy (with myself and the changes I have made for ME).

Did your H move into an apartment? Do they still work together? I see you've been in recovery since '01. That is wonderful. Thank you for sharing your story with me...gives me hope when all I see right now is 'fog'.

Thank you again.

Hi again Rosedust- When I asked H to move out 'to think' he said he would stay with various friends to save money. However- he first spent one night in a motel then called OW and got a key to her empty condo.( She had just taken a job promotion to a nearby state in order to put more pressure on him to leave me and go to her) She drove back no wkends and they pined away for each other during the wks. This made it even rougher to break off their A because they only saw each other on the wkends and not the nitty gritty day to day life. He came by our house almost every nite to see the kids and would often stay for dinner then leave for OW's condo so it was so 'convenient' for him! If I had it to do over I would have limited how much he could come over. All during this time H was lying to me about living at OW's place even though I suspected it. He also was visiting apts on his lunch hrs- I know because I got thank you notes from rental agents in our mailbox. I finally got to the point where I told him go ahead rent a place. Ironically he kept dragging his feet about it and after he consulted a lawyer he moved back into our house PRONTO to avoid being charged with abandonment of our 3 kids. Then he camped out on the couch for a LONG TIME. This drove me insane- as he had said he would work on our marriage but he wasnt at all. I finally got my own attorney who told me he could file paperwork and get H out of our house within a few wks time. I finally had enough of all these games and prayed alot then went and told H he better rent a place of his own or I'd get him off our couch legally. That made him really angry and he ended up filing for D on me and that's when he finally cracked and realized the full extent of what he was doing. In my opinion, Plan A is good but not when it is done for too long. A separation can be healthy because it puts boundaries between the BS and the WS that cause the WS to think more carefully about what they are risking. Even after H finally ended the A he went thru a withdrawal period for 2 months and then we've been in counseling for along time with him working on anger issues and my learning to set proper boundaries and re-establish respect lines. Take care- lifeismessy