Hi All,

For the most part I feel lucky - my WH's A was very short and we are in recovery...

But...

I am finding that my expectations of my H have changed post D-day, and I cannot allow myself to settle with what used to be "normal" in our marriage.

While H has been happy to "put this behind us" and get back to normal, I am struggling. At first it was the constant thought that if things were bad enough for him to have the A, what good would it do us to go back to our old ways?

Now almost 5 months after D-day, I have very strong urges to NOT accept less than what I deserve, and I now realize I was "settling" for less during the years prior to his A.

He has never been an affectionate guy - unless I initiate, but I have been doing my MB best to plan A him and to lead by example. He is very uncomfortable talking about emotions or relationships, so it has been slow going.

I realize that he is a "by the book" kind of guy - who always reads the instructions to everything. After several conversations initiated by me regarding my needs, he finally asked me to make a list of things I'd like him to do. While I was not thrilled that I had to make a list, I did it - putting simple things such as "hugs", "kisses". In fact, most were no-cost or very low-cost, and would take very little effort. The list had at least 30 things to choose from. Easy right? ....wrong...!!!

He still does not make the effort! I feel that I have drawn the map and started the car, but he refuses to put his foot on the gas pedal! He would just be happy to let things be as they were pre-A, and I have tried to, but I am miserable!

Am I wrong to expect more from him now? I know he was like this when I met him, but the "rose colored glasses" of love blinded me, and we made it thru 14 years before any major problems. Is it just my insecurity over the A that is making me think he should do more for ME now?

As much as I hate that the A ever happened, I was hoping that we could use this experience to make our M stronger & better than before. Life is too short to deny our feelings & needs.... Right???

Have other BS's felt that their expectations of their WS increased post-A? How did you either work with WS to get what you needed or lower your expecations?

Thanks,
Shelle

WOW!
WE COULD ALMOST BE MARRIED TO THE SAME GUY. MY H A CHANGED ME SO MUCH I WILL NEVER BE THAT WOMAN AGAIN. I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS HE SEEMS MORE LIKE THE MAN I MARRIED BUT I KNOW AFTER 22YRS OF MARRIAGE THAT THIS HAS CHANGED BOTH OUR LIVES FOREVER. I PRAY THAT WITH LOVE AND IN TIME HE WILL SEE WHERE I AM COMING FROM AND I HOPE THE SAME FOR YOU. MAYBE WE JUST NEED TO GIVE IT MORE TIME OUR HEARTS ARE STILL VERY TENDER

If you are in recovery, you ought to try to discuss MB principals with your H and fill in those questionnaires together to get a good handle on what you both want in your marriage. Leading by example isn't going to help, because your H strayed due to the fact that some of his Emotional Needs weren't being met in your marriage. Doing what YOU would like HIM to do is not going to get you anywhere.

Each of you needs to know what the other's needs are, and do their upmost to fulfill them. YOU like cuddling, he doesn't....and that is where POJA comes in...agree on a compromise.

Hope this helps.

Jacky

CarolynG & Nina2,

Thanks for your replies - I am trying to be patient, but as Carolyn pointed out, my heart is still very tender - and I know I am feeling needy.

I also agree with Carolyn - I am not the same woman as I was before the A, and never will be again. I feel like my insides were sucked out - leaving me an empty shell of who I used to be. I am working on getting back to myself, it will just take time. I think one of the hardest things is that the negative thoughts have stuck with me, playing like a CD in my head. I can talk to family, friends, and MC - but until some POSITIVE memories & comments are made by H, the negative stuff seems to win out.

He says he is uncomfortable with affection, and that the things on his list "are not his style".
I am reading the series of Harley books as well as the Five Languages of Love, to help me see this from his view.

It's not that I don't appreciate all the things he DOES DO - it's just that they are not the things that I need most right now. The lawn and house stuff is important, but there is some much-needed maintenance to be done on the WIFE right now! He laughed when I told him that I feel like I'm like a ficus tree that has not been watered - that I'd like to be able for him to see my leaves turning brown & falling off - then he'd know when he was neglecting me.

I guess after the A and discovering the MB site and reading about WS's that post-A have put so much effort into making their BS feel loved, I am wondering when it will be MY TURN. (My taker is trying to get out)

Nina2 - Don't worry about WH EN's - he had a list of things that I had to do in order to save our marriage, and he made them clear at our first MC session. I have consistently met all during the last 5 months, while putting my own unmet EN's aside to help him get out of the "fog".

Now I am ready to ask that my EN's are met, thus prompting all the conversations lately. He seems to wonder why this is happening "all of a sudden", when in fact it has been an on-going issue for me for many years. I am just not willing to let it slide anymore. This A has made me unwilling to deny my own needs for the sake of his as I used to do.

I take responsibility for maybe not meeting ALL of H's needs at one time, but if he had talked to me rather than go have an A, I would have been willing to meet them. What I don't understand is that after honestly expressing MY needs, he doesn't even try to meet them. I am still way low on the priority list, as if he takes for granted that I will always be around. How can he think that after having the same neglected feelings that led to his A?

I just don't get it... and it hurts.

Shelle