Ok all you MBers out there!!!

I've been thinking again!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

We share techniques to try to help some of the newer ones eleviate some of the pain and length of suffering we have undergone. In other cases, not have to put up with the stupidity of the A. We have discussed the 'alien abduction theory', 'reverse babble', the WSU school of how to have an A and it's babble handout manual, roller coaster, etc. What we haven't really shared it how to determine how to use some of these techiniques in the ever changing psyco world of the WS/OP.

Remember the WS & OP are like chalmelons, they are forever changing, attempting to blend into their fantasy environment (sometimes they do a good job for a while and fool many) and then try to live that way or at least make the BS think so. In that mode, the anger and frustration by the BS changes from the OP to the WS back to the OP then WS, etc...... Creating the 'roller coaster' ride.

So I thought if we could help identify when the A is being supported more the by WS than the OP, what the suggestions on how to identify/handle and when it is the OP more than the wS in control how to identify and handle.

With this knowledge or suggestion, the power to protect the family (especially the BS) and maybe , just maybe cause an LB war between the WS and OP may work. Who knows...... just thinkin' here.

So if you'd like to share your thoughts, please use the following categories:

1. How to identify and handle the A situation when the WS is the agressor:

2. How to identify and handle the A situation when the OP is the agressor.

3. How to identify when it changes when the OP and WS change roles.

Thanks for your participation. I will put my comments in later.

L.

<small>[ September 15, 2002, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Good topic Orchid, WH was/is so fogged. BUT, WH I believe was the aggressor as he was very adamant about what he is doing and being happy!!! NOW though I believe the OW is the aggressor as it is taking so long on this divorce and she is pushing him to get it taken care of. I believe that he would let it ride as it's cheaper for him.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Dawn,

It is because of reptitious situations like yours and mine that made me make this thread. You see the A situation changed and therefore so should our tactics. Strategically it is important to always know where the (enemy) is positioned (guys should be able to get this point) and for us women BS well we need to be educated also and know when to change our tactics. It could even be for self preservation.

Sometimes, plan A works better than plan B or visa versa depending where who the A agressor is. My goal is to help the BS out there be adept and know when to switch to keep their goal in within their grasp. Now that may not always be possible but may just maybe some pain could be averted.

I have to do my list also but I have been a bit under the weather today so I will post back later.

See ya,
L.

i agree with daybreak, first it was WH and now OW, the role somehow switches, first i could see that WH had their relationship under control, but now it seems OP tells him what to do and want, etc. not sure how to change plan A when their role changes.

<strong>1. How to identify and handle the A situation when the WS is the agressor:</strong>

a. Listen
b. Learn reverse babble technique
Use in moderation.
c. Plan A - carry yourself well.
But don't be too nice and sweet.
d. If you can, define your boundaries and
implement them.
c. Know that most of what you say will be used
against you so don't say much.
d. Keep busy.
e. Show personal agressive behavior.
ex: learn how to get D or separation.
get a new hobby.
go out and meet new friends.
tackle new projects
f. get with a good mb type couselor.
g. take care of yourself.

<strong>2. How to identify and handle the A situation when the OP is the agressor. </strong>

a. Be nice to the Ws. Not sickly sweet but
cordial and nice.
b. Make small comments to raise doubt about
the OP.
c. Do research on the OP and do not be afraid
to use it. Remember to stay within the letter
of the law.
d. Plan A or B depending on your emotional
status.
e. Set your boundaries and implemement
them.

<strong>3. How to identify when it changes when the OP and WS change roles. </strong>

a. WS mood swings.
b. WS doing nice things for you
1. could be good sign or
2. could be a feable attempt to make you
feel good and then give the WS an
excuse to run back to the OP.
c. WS gets mad at you.
d. OP gets mad at you.
e. WS and OP fight
f. WS cries a lot
g. OP cries a lot.
h. hang up calls to your home or cell phone
i. WS blames you and tell you he/she is sorry
j. WS says they are confused.
k. WS shows signs of guilt.
l. use reverse babble technique

That's my list..... what's yours?

L.

Orchid,

I normally post in P/OC board, but this post caught my eye and is interesting.

You said, "Set your boundaries and implemement
them.". Could you explain this a little more to me? Are you referring to personal boundaries for yourself or your spouse? If you're talking about boundaries for spouse and having NC is one of your boundaries, do you move to Plan B if this boundary is not met?

I've been in a re-vamped Plan A (had problems with angry outbursts) for about two weeks now (after a messed up Plan A for a long while) and H seems to be responding at times (other times not), but he still has contact with OW (don't believe anything physical is happening right now) and has gifts from her in OUR house that he refuses to get rid of. I have repeatedly asked for NC and asked that those things be either sent back to her with NC letter or burned or at least thrown away and H is acting like a rebellious teenager (even admitted it - see my "LOL, H stepped right in it" post on P/OC board). I'm not sure where I need to go from here.

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: dumplin ]</small>

Originally posted by dumplin:
<strong>......You said, "Set your boundaries and implemement them.". Could you explain this a little more to me? Are you referring to personal boundaries for yourself or your spouse? If you're talking about boundaries for spouse and having NC is one of your boundaries, do you move to Plan B if this boundary is not met?</strong>

Setting YOUR boundaries (By the BS, for the BS). Know what you will and will NOT put up with. This goes for anyone you deal with but in this case particularly the WS.

For me, not having the OW in my life (any contact by anyone living in my house and it's associated attitudes, her calling, crank calls, e-mails, 3rd party messages from OW, etc.) was no longer tolerated. I gave H my requirements and had an action plan in case he bugges or reneged.

<strong>I've been in a re-vamped Plan A (had problems with angry outbursts) for about two weeks now (after a messed up Plan A for a long while) and H seems to be responding at times (other times not), but he still has contact with OW (don't believe anything physical is happening right now) and has gifts from her in OUR house that he refuses to get rid of. I have repeatedly asked for NC and asked that those things be either sent back to her with NC letter or burned or at least thrown away and H is acting like a rebellious teenager (even admitted it - see my "LOL, H stepped right in it" post on P/OC board). I'm not sure where I need to go from here.</strong>

If you set your boundaries, then you will give him your requirements. But there may be consquences. Read Redhat's thread on enabling. Very interesting. See how much we individually are enabling the A by our conduct. Then figure if you still want to do that or stop.

IMHO, you are past the shock and the need to fix the A. You want to see results and now. You need to set your boundaries. You will feel the relief when you do.

L.

Orchid,

Question for ya.... when is it appropriate or necessary to confront the OP in any of these situations?

It seems to me that a careful confrontation of the OP could be useful in either. When the WS is the aggressor, confronting the OP may make them run for cover, messing with that happy go-lucky fantasy vibe and making the WS question the "feelings" they thought the OP had for them. When the OP is the aggressor, it may let them know that you have no intention whatsoever of fading into the background and will do whatever is (leagally) necessary to save the M, and possibly make them see that MM or MW may not be worth the trouble of going to "war" with BS.

I know I have seen many a post that discourages confrontation, but in my case it worked like charm. As soon as OW realized she'd have me to deal with, she stopped speaking to my H (aggressor). When he stopped chasing her, she must have felt inadequate or something because she tried to resume thier relationship (becoming the aggressor). By then it was already too late and H realized she never really loved him and that the primary appeal of the A for her was not him, but the fact that it was "forbidden" or "naughty". As soon as the W found out it wasn't fun anymore. He ended up feeling used and not too bright and the fog began to lift that same day.

Just to clarify, I did handle the confrontation with class and dignity, which I also think added a very human element to what she believed to be the consequences. She at some point may have realized that there were other "people" involved... families that loved each other and bonds that are not easily broken. I think she realized that it was no use and not worth any further pursuit after a while. I guess I appealed to the ounce of decency in her. Meanwhile (although I didn't know I was doing it at the time) I babbled back and took care of myself making H think twice about what he was giving up.

Bump!!! Need more input here!!!