I recently found out my H had an affair with his co-worker / friend. He is making a few efforts ro try and make up for this mistake; I asked him to leave and he did, we are temporarily seperated. He agreed to a MC, he tells me he still loves me and seems to realize it was a mistake, yadda, yadda, yadda. I have had dreams of her coming into our home like she owns it, having a set of keys and maybe other things with him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I wake up in a panic and wonder if she's ever done those things...I have not asked my H yet but plan to.

My main question is...should I confront her at work? How many of you have done that? I want answers and although I know she's a person of low morals (she bore a child from an affair she had w/ another married man, the kid is now 4 and the man is still married to his wife), and she is not very smart so probably doesn't care, I want to know why! Should I confront her? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

TimetoHeal, Confronting OW for the sake of confronting her is only going to bring you more pain. What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to say?

I did contact OW by e-mail cause I needed to express some feelings to her about her inappropriate involvement with my H. I said the things I needed to but my MAIN reason was to extend forgiveness. I felt I needed to do this so that I could move on.

She responded and said everything that she probably thought I wanted to hear like she was ashamed of the decisions she was making, she knew what comes around goes around and that their R was based on lies, secrets and deceit....BUT it did nothing to stop her infatuation with my H. If that was the reason I did it then I would have not grown from it and would let unforgiveness still haught me to this day. So I am glad I did it but very few on this board encourged it. If you are a praying person, you should really ask God to show you if this is best for you. It may turn your H away and create turmoil for you.

Think it through, examine your motives and pray about it for wisdom and direction. Everyone has different ways of working through pain and heartache.

TW

In all honesty, it's usually not worth it, to confront the OP.

You're right in that the OW probably doesn't care about you and your feelings. So why should you care about her? She's not really the issue anyways. If you need to vent out your frustrations about the OW, do it on here or in your own private journal. It's better that you keep it from your H (for now... especially if he still has feelings for her, b/c it will only be a huge LB on your part).

You want to know why? Why what? Why this particular OW was with your H? Because she was getting her EN's met, and in return was meeting your H's EN's, and vice versa. That's what it's all about. A's don't have much of anything to do with morals (except for the fact that they are broken). A's are all about feeling good.... at ANY cost.

As hard as it is, you need to stop focusing on the OW, and focus on yourself and your M. Yes, it feels great to cut her up verbally... and to a certain degree, it IS necessary to get that out of your system. However... you have to make the decision about whether or not you want to use that energy towards her, or towards the good of your M. Turn that energy into something positive! (I used to do my dishes when I was thinking about OW#1 - they were SPOTLESS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

As far as your dreams go... they are normal. This person was a real threat to your M. If your H is truly wanting to recover the M with you, then it is vitally important that you share those dreams with him. It may help him to realize just how hurt you are (although, IMO, a WS will never understand what it is to be a BS, unless they've been there themselves).

In my case, I confronted all 3 of the OW (the only 3 that I knew about anyways). It didn't get me anywhere. If anything, it held off on the start of our marital recovery. OW#1 had been a friend of mine... so confronting her was pretty much a given. But all she did was deny the whole thing (even though my H had admitted it all to me!), and that only made me more angry. I can honestly look back now and see that it wasn't worth it. She was (and probably still is) in a super thick fog of her own, so that NOTHING could penetrate through it.

It is ultimately YOUR CHOICE as to whether or not you confront this OW. However, you should talk to your H about it first, and see what his reaction to the idea is. If he is against it, then find out why, and keep HIS feelings into consideration. If the tables were turned, you would expect that from him to you too.

Take care,
Karen

I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH THE DECISION OF CONTACTING OW AND IT'S BEEN 8MONTHS. ALL THE ADVICE I RECEIVED ON HERE HAS DISCOURAGED THAT. I GUESS IN SOME WAYS I AM FORTUNATE THAT MY H MET OW WHILE HAVING LUNCH AND IT GREW FROM THERE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE THIS IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY. I TALKED TO H ABOUT CONTACT HE IS TOTALLY AGAINST IT THAT MAKES ME EVEN MORE CURIOUS. BUT I FIGHT IT EVERYDAY AS I KNOW WHERE SHE LUNCHES AND CAR AND BRIEF DESCRIPTON BUT FROM THOSE ON MB THAT HAVE BEEN THERE I AM TRUSTING THERE JUDGEMENT. IT'S LIKE TELLING YOUR CHILDREN NOT TO MAKE YOUR MISTAKES SOME OF THOSE ON HERE SEEM TO KNOW AS THEY HAVE BEEN THERE WE HAVE TO JUST KEEP HANGING IN THERE WISH I HAD FOUND MB MONTHS AGO. MY HEART HURTS FOR YOU AND ALL THE PAIN THAT IS SHARED HERE.

I don't know how to answer the "should" question...but on D-day, after confronting my WW, I also confronted OM.

He had nothing to say to me, and I have no idea how I kept from beating the you-know-what out of him. I just kept thinking that I would go to jail, and make matters worse.

I talked to him a few months later and he assured me that it was over, and he was sorry, and anything he could do to help our marriage.... basically the coward just said everything I wanted to hear.

Now that I've insisted on NC, I talked to him again. I explained to him his credibility is zero with me, so I wasn't buying his story that his intentions (maintaining contact) are purely honorable. He told me he's a changed man, yadda yadda, and I just said, I don't trust you, I don't plan on every doing so, just go away.

If I had this to do over again, would I still contact the OM? Yes. It seemed necessary to have that form of release...

But just keep in mind that the OP is not to be believed or trusted. I've read other posts where the OP has said, "but I was with him last week," or whatever. No matter what you get from this "person," you shouldn't expect it to be true. They have nothing to gain from being truthful w/ you.

I had another dream the other night about OW. My H is not in any of these dreams, but this time she was in my parent's house! And she had keys to our house and keys to the car and she acted like she belonged there. I am close to my folks so my pastor seems to think that the dreams mean she has invaded everything in my life that I love and hold dear. He's very right. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I have decided not to confront her (for the time being) because I know she just doesn't care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Im more focused on if my H cares. We have our first MC appt tomorrow and I'm afraid. Some days it seems hopeful, other days it doesn't. He doesn't seem to want to give up too much... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />