OM is pretty much out of the picture. Fired from WW's company.

He called her at work twice last week, once to see if they could get together, WW said no, and he got upset.

Called next day to apologise, and ended conversation with 'have a nice life.' She won't give me much detail, but she did tell him that she wants to work on the marriage and that she couldn't with him continuing to contact her. WW believes that he will no longer try to contact her. I feel otherwise, of course.

She is in withdrawal, but most of the time is very happy with me and our life. She just misses the OM badly, and thinks he really loves her as much as she loves him.

WW feels that since she is home, and working on the marriage, that we should go on from here. I want her to send a NC letter, but she refuses, saying that it is not necessary, and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. She feels like she could 'never' send the letter. Of course, I mentioned that it hurt me that she puts his feelings ahead of mine on this issue. (FYI, neither one of us knows his address to even send the letter to, so the point may be moot anyway.)

WW obviously loves me, she says so all the time, has called me a Saint, and called herself an idiot for letting this happen.

I would like to say we are in recovery, but not sending an official NC letter deviates from MB canon. I will probably directly ask Jennifer if modification is possible in this case, but I am interested in any feedback from fellow MBers.

NSST

<small>[ September 15, 2002, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: Not So Sad Tiger ]</small>

My H wouldn't send a no contact letter either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It was very disturbing for me, just as it is for you now.

I believe that your W is showing remarkable honesty to you, and you should be thankful that she is telling you these things so early into recovery. That's an EXCELLENT sign! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The NC letter really isn't vital. Us BS's focus on it so much, b/c there's something about seeing our spouses PUT IT IN WRITING, how much they love us and want to work on the M, that makes it feel more real. Goodness knows, we have a hard time with just the words. And the letter is something physical - even though, it's still just words.

Whether or not your W not sending out a no contact letter is a stumbling block to your recovery is up to YOU. All that really matters is that all contact ceases. How the WS goes about it is somewhat irrelevant, so long as it's done. Just b/c Dr. Harley suggests the NC letter, that doesn't mean that it's the only way. Yes, it is the best way for the BS... but it's not the only way.

Most importantly, your W could very well send the letter and end up in contact with the OM again. I'm not suggesting that she will do that - not at all! Just that it COULD happen (as has happened to some MBers). My point, is that your W's ACTIONS are what's important. If she's not comfortable with the letter, then find out if there's something out that will satisfy the BOTH of you. It's time to practice some POJAing!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Thanks, Topie!

I understand and agree with you. My WW's actions are what I am watching. She is here. He is pretty much gone.

My issue with the NC letter has to do with him. Letting him know in no uncertain terms that he is history. Another issue I have is that it seems like she wants to keep him around as a backkup plan.

I can go on to recovery without the NC letter, I just want to make sure that I don't get a surprise down the road when OM pops up and 'resets' her recovery.

Talking about the NC letter last night, I told her that I will re-evaluate that particular request and not to worry about it for now.

So far, so good.

NSST

Hey NSST. I'm not sure how qualified I am, as I continue to struggle with just getting my WW to see that NC is important.

But a step I have taken, and you might consider, is to contact OM yourself. I don't know if face-to-face is such a good idea, b/c you don't want to end up in jail for slugging the SOB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The key really, is that once your W stops paying attention to him, he'll go away. But it may be good for you to shine a light there...to let him know you know, and that he should just go away.
I don't think you'll find this advise in any of Harley's materials, but for me, this was a worthwhile catharsis.

Hey Riff...

Thanks for the reply!

I have contacted the OM once. He knows I know. I had a long talk with him early on. My WW has recently asked that I not contact him. I want to, to tell him to bug off permanently, but out of respect for my WW, I have refrained.

I could control myself from hitting him face to face. I would say things that may set *him* off, and he would probably hit me. WW, who just came in and read this, says he would never hit me.

NSST

Amazing isn't it? How they are so quick to defend the OM, yet just as quick to attack us. Sorry, no real advice, JMHO.

m_h_d, thanks for your opinion.

Fortunately, she does not defend the OM or his actions, nor does she attack me. My WW has been quite remarkable in many ways throughout this ordeal.

I am merely hung up on how critical the NC letter is. I already have NC, just no NC letter.

Like Topie says, it really is up to me if I can get over that detail. WW is home and trying her best.

NSST

Good Question, Sad Tiger

I am struggling with the same here - WW does not want to do it, even said at some point "she wants me to be afraid for the rest of my life that there is an OM". Well, obviously that's utter and ridiculous bullhsit, but here you go. She may have a point in that one has to take care of a relationship each day and every day and not take it for granted, but maybe I'm reading to much sense and sensibility in her statement

Anyway, I disgress. I personally beleive the NC letter to be rather essential. I mean, it's a clear step of committment and a sign of good faith. If the spouse is not prepared to do even this, what else wont she do? I mean, it's really about saying "yes, I'm throwing my lot with you, not with the other guy", officially. HOW HARD CAN THAT BE???

Nick

Time to implement POJA.

Ask her what conditions would be present for her to feel the need to write a NC letter. She has said that he wouldn't contact her again; you believe he will. You don't want to set up a situation where she knows if she tells you that he called again, you'll insist.

So POJA has HER agreeing with all her heart that to keep you feeling safe, and to preserve her marriage with you, that the only way is writing a NC letter - what conditions would have to be coming up for that to happen. (In other words, it has to be her idea!)

Ask her how you solve a problem with regard to this OM - in a non-threatening way. And start communicating with her.

Above all, NO LOVE BUSTIN!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How about , for now, your W sends YOU a "NC letter". NSST could request she write YOU a letter, stating her promise never to contact OM again ... and WHY this is necessary for marital and personal recovery .... and stating whar her plan is just in case OM contacts HER again ... no matter how insignificant the contact seems.

???????

Ask your dear wife if this is "do-able"????

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS .... >>>>waving HI<<<< to NSST's wife! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear NSST's wife ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please understand ... sending a no contact letter is NOT mean ... but is, in fact, kind in the long run. It states factually that you have chosen your marriage permanently.

There should be no doubt to either of the men you care about, that the door is permanently closed on the affair relationship. That way .... both men can move forward in their lives.

Making choices is difficult. NOT making choices is IMPOSSIBLE to live with!

Good luck.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>