Hi. This is my first posting. I'd like to tell my story and hope that some of you will have advice/words of wisdom!

I have been married 27 years, have 3 grown children and a grandson. My husband first left 3 years ago, weeks after our youngest went off to college, because his "emotional needs weren't being met." He left me a note on my pillow. It came as a surprise - although he told me 6 weeks before he left that he was thinking about a divorce. I thought we were working together to solve the problem. He had been having an emotional affair with a coworker, which quickly became sexual after he moved out. There have been many lies and half truths over the past three years, so I don't honestly know many details. The affair is something he thinks we should be done discussing (when in my view, we hardly talked about it at all. )

We were seeing a marriage counselor for about a year. The counselor set up the groundrule that the affair had to be ended immediately in order for us to work with him. My H even boldface lied to the counselor, saying he ended the affair, when in truth, he hadn't.

We have been on the brink of divorce twice before, and this is the third time. Once was shortly after my H admitted to still seeing the OW in the counselor's office. The second time was a year ago. We were trying a reconciliation, and he met the OW for drinks one night after work - when I found out, I asked him to leave. He did. We had little contact for two months, then started making plans for divorce. We got as far as filling out preliminary papers. Right around our 26th anniversary, my H contacted me, asking for forgiveness, saying he "would do anything to make the marriage work," because he realized he loved me. He moved back home, and has been living here for the past nine months.

I thought we were reestablishing our relationship based on honesty. We both have said some "hard things" to each other in an effort to be honest, and have been working on what caused our emotional distance in the first place. All along though, there were points where it almost seemed as though he didn't want "us" to work out. After his initial burst of "I'll do anything" to make ammends, he slid back into his ambivalent mode of not being sure if he "wants to be married - period - to me or anyone." It's as though he is trying to relive his 20's. We married when we were 20 - and until his affair, we were each other's only lovers.

I do believe he is in a personal crisis. He doesn't know if he likes himself and says he doesn't know if he's enough for him, so how can he be enough for me? I've changed a lot in the past three years. I'm more in touch with myself and the issues I bring to our relationship. I've been in individual counseling the whole time. I was clear in my mind this past time that I was willing to take the risk of being hurt again - but knew I was working on my "stuff" within the relationship. I tried to fully live each day without regrets. And feel succussful about that.

The final blow came the weekend before Labor Day. He told me that instead of going away with me, he wanted to move out. We had a groundrule that IF he started having thoughts of leaving again, that before he took action, he would talk to me about his feelings. I found out that he had already put a deposit down on an apartment, so our whole conversation was a lie. He made it seem like he had just had the thoughts, when in reality, he had already been out looking. I had noticed a shift in his attitude a couple days before he told me he wanted to leave. All of a sudden, he became highly critical of me and very secretive about where he had been. Our kids are disgusted with him. His siblings are angry with him. He keeps repeating the same patterns - leaving, then becoming scared/lonely and coming back.

I truly don't want a divorce. I have been holding on to the HOPE that things could be different - our relationship could be so wonderful, now that both of us are conscious of how we weren't there for each other. When I went back and read my journal, the pattern of both of our behavior over the past three years is so clear. As much as I miss his company when he is a Giver, I don't miss the Taker in him. It was an 80/20 deal. He gave just enough to keep me feeling hopeful. But so much would need to change, and it looks like he really doesn't want to do the work. (He has been to 8 group counseling sessions).

In some ways, it feels like my life has been on hold for three years, yet in other ways I haven't. As crazy as this sounds, I am actually glad he left the first time. It awakened me to the numb way I was going through life and my marriage. I didn't know it could be better. Our marriage "looked" so much better than either of our parents'. On the outside, we looked happy, but we really hadn't been for a long time.

So, I sit here torn. The thing is, we both love each other and can see the good in each other. But, I can't control him and I truly understand there is nothing more I can do. He needs to do his own work. I can't help him, guide him or love him any more than I do. It's only been 2 weeks since he moved out (this time) and 1 week since we've last spoken. I feel like I really need to "let him go" this time, and if God intends us to be together, then we will.

So, do I just sit tight, stay silent, and get on with my life - married but separated; or do I file for divorce and move on with my life as a single person? Some days I feel strong about the later path - and other days, I feel willing to be patient and wait. But I wonder what for? It doesn't hurt or leave my stomach in knots to think about or talk about getting divorced anymore. 90% of the time, I'm fine - which is so different than the other times he has left. I know I will survive.

Thanks for staying with me on this long-winded explanation. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

C.

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corysana,

Start reading here on this website (not just on the forums) there's a tremendous amount of information here. Don't make any final decisions on D yet.

I'm not as well educated as a lot of the others here but, I would have my suspicions as to weather or not he may be, or still be involved with OW. If not her then maybe some else. I don't say this to hurt you, just sounds like a lot of his actions mirror those involved in an A.

Read "Surviving an Affair", "Divorce Remedy", and "Love Must Be Tough". Each has a slightly different approach, although they all are working toward the same goal. Save the marriage. My feelings, and I had a pastor tell me this also, is not to take just one source as the gospel for dealing with your situation. Read, talk, listen, and especially listen to your head and heart. Weigh what you get from outside sources against your own set of circumstances and take your time in coming to a decision.

Our prayers are with you.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Biscayne-

Thanks for such a quick response. I've been reading all kinds of things on the website for that past two hours! I appreciate your specific references, and will do that.

Will you be more specific and tell me what behaviors sound to you like someone who is having and A? I appreciate your honesty and outside perspective. Thanks

The final blow came the weekend before Labor Day. He told me that instead of going away with me, he wanted to move out. We had a groundrule that IF he started having thoughts of leaving again, that before he took action, he would talk to me about his feelings. I found out that he had already put a deposit down on an apartment, so our whole conversation was a lie. He made it seem like he had just had the thoughts, when in reality, he had already been out looking. I had noticed a shift in his attitude a couple days before he told me he wanted to leave. All of a sudden, he became highly critical of me and very secretive about where he had been. Our kids are disgusted with him. His siblings are angry with him. He keeps repeating the same patterns - leaving, then becoming scared/lonely and coming back.

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These actions are what make me think there is someone else.

I don't have a lot of experience or insight into Midlife Crisis. It may be that, rather than another woman. It just seems like a lot of lies and deceit here.

While my wife was deep into the affair (at this point I don't know if she is or not) I caught her in a lot of lies. I didn't confront her on these. I understood from reading here and in the books that she is in another place, which you will hear a lot here refer to as "the fog". Confronting her on these lies not only lets her know that I have checked up on her but is also a major Love Buster. Even though a lot of what you hear from your spouse hurts, I find that when I understand the situation I can discount in my mind a lot of what I heard and read, regarding her A. It almost seems like she is reading from the script that you hear in the book and here on the sight.

Even though you feel strong enought to move on toward D, I would wait before going down that path if I were you. I didn't want to file for D, but did so after she had mentioned moving away to her family's (1800 miles away) and taking our boys. I even saw where she mentioned it to OM in one of her letters to him. As long as your mind is conflicted over weather or not to file, I'd wait. You will know in your heart when it is time for that. If you do so prematurely I think you'd look back with major regrets later.

I'm assuming that when you two had gotten back together in the past that you didn't have the teachings here to go by. I feel like that I have learned a lot (and a lot more to go) from here that will help me if we reconcile and if not then in my next relationship.

This marriage thing is hard work. Sometimes it makes you wonder if it is worth it. Right now you are the one having to bear the torch for your marriage, you may be the only one for a while. Hang in there. Think of the rewards when things work out later. That's the only way I can stay in this thing. I don't think that I could stay in as long as some on here do. Years. I feel like there has to be some time where you do what is best for your health and happiness also.

One thing that the pastor told me also is that as much as God hates D, he also doesn't intend for us to be in an unhappy situation for the rest of our lives. You may find others who would argue on that one, but it definitely left me with some piece of mind.

Good luck and God Bless