I finally took the advice that Zorweb and Nick123 gave me a few weeks ago.

Last night my wife and I chatted online for quite a while, about three hours. The conversation started of normal enough, but soon turned to our relationship and what is going on. She actually led it in that direction. We have been writing letters and attaching them to the emails so we can read them when we feel ready.

In my last one I took the tough love approach. Told her if she needs space then to let me know. The whole if you love somebody let them go thing. Anyways I also gave her the number of a good christian counselor in the area. She actually made an appointment and went the next day. Didn't tell me though till I asked if she was going to see him. She said that for the next 8 weeks till I get home the counselor will work on her loving herself and finding herself. Which is great. He also told her he sees hope for us, but with a lot of work. Right now she doesn't know if she has the energy for a lot of work.

Last night she also told me that there is no way she can imagine being intimate with me, that is a huge issue for us, no intimacy, and that she has more fun when I am not there. She doesn't look forward to me coming home because of the hard work, pain and emotions she will have to go through then. Plus I think she knows that seeing OM will be much harder to hide.

Anyways during our chat I asked her if she had feelings for anybody else. She said no, just me. But I know from snooping her long distance A is still going strong and there are plans to meet again over the next long weekend. So today after alot of thought and prayer I woke up, wrote her a long letter telling her I know about OM, their rendevous over Labor Day, how I feel about, how I found out about, that I know I will be able to go on without her. I took a strong and positive stance towards us. Told her I need honesty and the lies and 1/2 truths are killing me.

She is going to be so pi**ed off when she finds out I read her email account. I presented it in a calm manner, trying not to LB, but I am afraid it will my account all the way down. Did I do the right thing? I think she suspects that I know about OM, but she doesn't know I have exact proof. She is going to hit the roof.

Any suggestions on how to handle things after she explodes? I am going to keep the strong tough love with a combo Plan A approach. Show her I am strong, but also a place for her if she needs support.

OM wrote her a long email the other day telling of his endless love for her, how he wants her, but she is married and he is affraid of being hurt by her, and blah, blah, blah.

Thanks again.

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 05:15 AM: Message edited by: stuck_in_the_stan ]</small>

Hi Stuck in the Stans

Well done for your courage - rocket is fired; now all you can do is to get your binoculars and observe the target area.

If your WW is going to react in the same way as mine, expect the following:
- Being accused of snooping. She'll turn the whole issue around such that the whole thing is about you snooping, not her betraying you.
- Engaging in a row with you, moaning about how much freer she feels around OM, how much energy he gives her, how much you are dragging her down.
- She may refuse to do any "R-talk" again with you, saying "I just want to live normally", "whatever will be" and that sort of stuff
- She might say "that's the point you know&#8230; I don&#8217;t want to feel guilty and do work, work, work on relationship and feel bad for the rest of my life. Relationships should come naturally - with OM it is".
- Alternatively (or at the same time) she'll tell you that yes, you are right, she was wrong and she will absolutely, honestly stop every contact with OM [and opens up a new secret email account to continue the story].

In any case, be prepared and steadfast. I mean, honesty is the way forward - in *any* case. How can you continue to have sensible discussions with her about the future when you know what's going on in the background?

In any case, it will rattle her fence a bit and she will know that the days when she can have both at the same time are counted.

Keep us informed - good luck.

Nick

Thanks Nick. I don't know when she'll read the attachment. We send these types of things as attachments, so that if the other does not feel like discussing R issues we can wait.

I guess I'll just have to ride the storm out when it hits. But my Plan A and improvements I have made to myself will be helpful and tested during that time. At least now I have idea of what might be coming down the pipe.

Thanks.

Well got the intitial reaction. Even though I told her it would ruin her day, she opened it at work replied back "I am shaking....." that is it.

Tonight she had dinner with some friends who are in town. They wanted to go out afterwards, but she decided to come home and write to me. I haven't gotten this response yet. She said she doesn't feel anything, numb, lost, she said maybe she was lost before this. The numbness is kind of what I expected initially. That is just her and how she deals, then comes the storm. She did say she will love me forever????? I wrote back already saying that I have started the forgiveness process, since I have known well over a month.

so far so good.

regarding her "I'll love you forever" comment, I wouldnt put too much weight on it - it may fall into the category of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" respectively "let's just stay friends forever" category.

but at least you know that she knows that you know. a big and necessary step forward on the road to recovery and honesty.

good luck.

Ya, she has been saying that the last 3 months, "I will always love you, but I am not wanting to be intimate, or in love with you". So I always take those with a grain of salt. Haven't heard from her today. I would suspect though that today she is mad. That is just a guess since I know her so well. I'll find out tomrrow maybe, if she emails me.

But I can't tell you what a relief it is to finally have told her I know. I feel in control of my own life for the first time in a long time. I am just working on plan A now, improving myself daily and showing her a strong me who can give her a safe place to land....

Ya, she has been saying that the last 3 months, "I will always love you, but I am not wanting to be intimate, or in love with you". So I always take those with a grain of salt. Haven't heard from her today. I would suspect though that today she is mad. That is just a guess since I know her so well. I'll find out tomrrow maybe, if she emails me.

But I can't tell you what a relief it is to finally have told her I know. I feel in control of my own life for the first time in a long time. I am just working on plan A now, improving myself daily and showing her a strong me who can give her a safe place to land....

good stuff SinS.

maybe you want to make sure that she is all right? it may have hit her fairly unprepared.

you'll probably find plan Aing easier now, as there is a common basis of honesty.

good luck & keep us up to speed

Nick, stuck in Londonstan