I have a question for anyone out there that is in a relationship with someone that has an ex-wife ..... I have been in my current relationship for 13 months and it's been great. Recently, a problem has arisen with his teenage daughter and he and his wife have been talking more because they want to work out a solution that will help their daughter. Now, it's great that they are trying to work on a solution together, but I can't help but feeling jealous - even though he assures me that he loves me very much. His ex-wife is in a relationship with someone else (that's what broke up his marriage), but she has indicated to him that she is not happy with this guy. Any advice on how I can stop feeling jealous - I really do want his daughter to get help, and I'm not sure what I can do to help myself to stop feeling the way that I do. Any thoughts???

Hi - well, I don't know how you can stop feeling nervous, but here are my thoughts:
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not unusual for an ex-wife to become unhappy with an affair partner who broke up the marriage. This guy now has to carry the full load, and he probably can't. For example, maybe he's not good with teenage daughter problems <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Your boyfriend may look even better after working on this problem, and the ex-wife have even more regrets.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That doesn't necessarily mean the ex-wife wants your boyfriend back, or that your boyfriend wants his ex-wife back. It's complicated.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With kids, they cannot completely sever the relationship.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The success of your relationship really depends on what the two of you do. On this Web site, and in the Harley's books, there is a lot of material on avoiding lovebusters and meeting each other's emotional needs. Maybe you could start by printing and reviewing the questionnaires, and then follow up with the many other articles on this site that explain and support the concepts.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good luck.
- Tom

Thanks for your thoughtful words. I will read the articles on this site - I'm new and still navigating my way around. He really doesn't know that I am feeling so jealous and nervous, and I don't really want to tell him because I'm afraid that will make him think I'm very insecure in our relationship, which I may be. I am looking for a way that I can deal with the situation that will help us maintain our relationship. It's difficult listening to him rehash the conversations that he's had with his ex-wife and realizing that he feels bad that he's not around to help with his daughter as much as he would like to (he moved and does not live in the same town as she does anymore). I am looking for an article that might help me to understand and deal with the situation since it's in large part my problem. Thanks.

I’ve been dealing with a very similar situation. My husband’s ex left him for another man. They got divorce. He and I met and we are now married. He has custody of their two young teen children.
They have to communicate often to deal with the children. At first I had no problem with this. But after I found out that he’d been having affairs through our entire dating, engagement and marriage I started looking at things differently.
From the beginning his ex made a point of putting me down every chance she got.. telling him that it was obvious that we would not work out. That she was the only woman he could ever love. That she loved him but could not live with him. She said some really nasty stuff to both him and their children about me that I will not bother to repeat. She also let him know that her relationship with her live-in ‘soul mate’ was not wonderful and she was looking for a way out.
Then she started sending him emails asking him to meet her in different cities (he travels a lot for his job). As part of the custody agreement we paid her airfare/hotel for her to come here to visit children. While she was here she was all over him. Again asking him to meet her for lunch, dinner, and so forth. She even was showing up at our home when she thought I was at work and he was home alone.
Her excuse for all this was that she had to discuss things with him. To be civil I even invited her out to lunch and breakfast with the children and us so we could all discuss these important things. She had nothing important to discuss and was just all over him. I am sorry to say that he, being very gregarious, did not even seem to notice this and seemed to play along.
That did it for me. I pointed out to him what I was seeing very clearly in both of their behavior. I requested that he communicate with her only through email and an occasional phone conversation. That they never meet anywhere private. And he has agreed to inform me of any time they meet. In the last two months they did meet when he was in her state as they were exchanging children and handling some other issues. He was very open with me about all of this.
He has also told her in no uncertain terms that they are not friends. They will never be friends again because friends do not do to each other what she did to him. She still has no remorse for her affair and blames him for it.
There is a long thread around here from last summer where he and I discussed this at length with the MB crowd. I am the children’s primary mother figure. She walked out of their lives years ago. So in reality she should be talking to me to as I know more about her children then she does. The consensus, between my H and I, was that while they have to deal with the children, there is no reason for them to ever be alone together. There is no reason for them to have a personal relationship. He has a new wife now.
To feel jealous in this situation is not unusual. For her to be telling him how her affair relationship is not good is a come on. That is the normal thing a person says when they want to connect to someone of the opposite sex. The rule is that when a person has a partner, they should not discuss personal things with anyone of the opposite sex.
What in particular are they talking about that bothers you?
Have you read the material on this web site and the books by Dr. Harley? They set out some pretty clear guidelines on how to handle relationships with people of the opposite sex.

They recently have just begun to be able to "talk" to each other without screaming. So, this is new and right now the talking is about their daughter. It does bother me, though, that she mentioned that she is not happy with her boyfriend. I just don't want to put my boyfriend on the defensive by mentioning my jealous feelings, but I am not sure if I should just ask him not to discuss his conversations with me or not. If he discusses them with me, it makes me want to take a "side" and it's usually his side, which can make him sometimes defend her and I don't like that. What articles in particular are on this site that address situations like this?

Riley,

I do not recall exactly which articles and which book chapters address the issue of opposite sex friends and relationships. A lot of it is not stated explicitly. As in the rules of care and protection. You both need to protect each other from this. Why not tell him what you have told us and come up with a solution that fits both of you. The solution is not that he stops telling you when he talks to her and the jest of the conversation. You really want those lines of communication to stay open.

It may be best if you can harden yourself some to this, learn to listen to him and learn to not comment about her behavior. Just give him an ear and some support.

Since he or his ex are not re-married, they could still reconcile if the is any love left.
When my husband cuts down my ex, I sometimes defend the ex instinctually. My children are a part of him. I don't even like the guy!
Be careful not to make yourself the enemy or the outsider in their relationship.
If you marry him, you will have stonger ground and
put you in position #1.
For now, don't allow ex to threaten you-she will probably enjoy it and it will put a wedge between you and your boyfriend.

Thank you for all of this excellent advice. I need to ask your opinion about something ... he lives 3 states away from her, but he really wants his daughter to come to visit him for a week. He misses her terribly and since she has gotten herself into a bit of trouble recently, he would love her to be removed from that environment. He told his ex this and told her that the daughter could fly down or she could bring her down - meaning that they both would be staying with him. How should I feel about this? He seemed to so calmly tell me this - am I crazy or are my nervous feelings very valid???

Tell me some more about your relationship. Did he promise you exclusivity or are you just assuming it? Is there any talk of marriage?

I’m going to answer this assuming that you have both explicitly promised exclusivity and that you have also talked of permanence of some sort in this relationship.

The reason I assume this is that if both of these have not happened then while it may bother you, he is of course free to see his ex-wife and any other woman he wants.

If on the other hand He has promised exclusivity and there is a joint agreement of permanence then you do have something to be concerned about.

How long is the ex staying? Are you included or are you the odd woman out while the ex is here?

Unmarried men and women should not stay in the same house unless they want the world to assume that they are having a sexual relationship. If your boyfriend cares enough about your feelings and your relationship to protect it he will either pay for his daughter’s plane ticket, or he will help the ex with the expense of a hotel.

If I were dating a man who did this, I would assume that he was not all that serious about me or that he did not care if he hurt my feelings.

There seems to be several things going on with your boyfriend. He may not be done with his ex. He does not understand the propriety of exclusive relationships.

I also get the impression that you don’t know what your rights are in this relationship or what to expect from one. Again I would suggest that you read the material on this web site and the books written by Harley. There is much you could learn from them.

I would love to find an article on this website related to my situation, but as of yet, have not found one ... any help in pointing me in the right direction would be greatly appreciated!!! To answer your questions, yes, we have talked about marriage, and most definitely about exclusivity. I think that my boyfriend would be appalled that I would even question that anything between he and his ex would go on ... that's why I don't even want to bring up the element of mistrust - he would be offended that I would even think that I couldn't trust him. Again, any articles that you think might help would be very appreciated.

Thanks!