I am new here; really need some help in getting through all of this. It was something I was truly never prepared for.

My wife and I have been married 11 years now, and have known each other for 13 years this October. We married in our early 30’s; I was married once before when I was too young (and for the wrong reasons). My first marriage ended without adultery; the end was jointly agreed to (we did it without lawyers), and eventually the marriage was annulled by the church. I am 44 and my wife is 42.

I had always played on-line computer games (Ultima Online, Everquest) as a diversion. About two years ago, I convinced my wife to play with me; something we could do together to improve our marriage. So I got her a computer and we began to play together. She began to play less with me and more with a group of friends she met online. About three months ago, I found out she was having an online affair with someone she met in one of the games. She was conducting the affair online and over the phone, and was convinced she was in love with this person. The guy she was having an affair with was only 23 years old <sigh> and lived .

I confronted her with what I had found (long distance phone bills; over $500 worth). She swore he was just a friend but agreed it wasn’t appropriate and promised to break off the relationship. We began couples counseling (initiated by me) and she told me she had severed the relationship. A few weeks later I found chat logs (logs automatically saved by the game of online conversations) that changed my life. She was telling him how much she loved him; and he was trying to convince her to leave me and come move in with him; and it was clear she had not ended the relationship. I confronted her (again) and she swore she had ended the relationship and that he was just a friend until I showed her the chat logs, and at that point she broke down and admitted to the relationship. She swore that she never had met him in person and that she did not have a physical relationship with him. She again swore she would end the relationship.

We had been in therapy for about eight weeks when she told me she had to go to a conference in her other mans’ state. We talked about it in therapy with our counselor, and both my wife and the counselor convinced me I needed to trust her and not try and stop her from going. I reluctantly agreed. Two weeks after she returned from the conference, she admitted that she met her OM there (it was pre-arranged, she arranged almost two weeks before she left; basically deceiving both myself and our therapist). She admitted to sleeping with him throughout her five-day conference.

I was devastated (devastated doesn’t even describe it). The night before she left we made love and she told me that I should trust her, that she would never do anything to hurt us, that she loved me and that how much we were improving. Twenty-four hours later she was in bed with another man. I called her on her second night there at 1130pm, and she didn’t answer the phone; she called me back ten minutes later (turns out she had to send her OM into the hall while she called). I knew then he was there even though she violently denied it. I cried, told her how hurt I was and how much I missed her. She told me no one was with her, and that I should trust. We ended the phone conversation then, with me telling her I would try.

Since her telling me (about 5 weeks ago), my life has been more miserable than I can imagine. She called him and ended the relationship (I sat with her when she did it). My pain is not so much her breaking our wedding vows, it is the total betrayal off all we did during counseling. Our therapist helped me see that I had closed myself to her, and that she needed me to be more open; vulnerable. So I began sharing things with her that I had not ever shared with anyone. She in turn used this to manipulate me into a position where she could consummate her affair with an OM young enough to be her son. She told me that she had been unhappy with our marriage for the last six years in therapy; our therapist believes she did not tell me because of a severe low self-esteem problem (was afraid I might leave her).

I just do not know what to do with this hole that she has left inside of me. She says she wants to reconcile; that she loves me; that this was a horrible mistake that she will not make again. She wants me to trust her again, and is sometimes impatient that I do not. She has given away to this boy everything in life that was important to me. I used to trust her implicitly; and now I do not know where here boundaries are; what she believes is right or wrong. How do you make love to someone, tell them to trust you and that you would never cheat on him, knowing that in 24 hours you will be sleeping with another? How do you trust someone that can do that?

We are trying to reconcile now. We have decided to renew our wedding vows as part of the healing process; scheduled to happen in five weeks. My wife had always wanted a child (but we never did, seems she couldn’t bring herself to talk about how important it was to her as I did not have a great desire to have children). We have talked about that issue openly and honestly (finally), and may try and have a child later on this year assuming everything stays on track.

Any insights/help/encouragement would be wonderful. I feel like I can’t talk to my family or friends about this; they would probably think I am crazy for trying to reconcile this marriage. If anyone has gone through this and come out the other end, would like to hear what it is like; if the pain grows less; if you were able to trust your mate again.

What a horrible story. It is understandable how devastated you feel. I certainly hope she has been checked for std's before you resumed intimacy with her. The fact that she continued to lie to you and the counselor is a very bad sign and that now she expects you to trust her seems ridiculous. Clearly you are in a state of shock and rightly so. I think you are moving way too quickly. You need to analyze what happened and decide slowly how to change things. You sound like you are willing to forgive too quickly. Renewing your vows immediately and trying to have a child is a mistake at this point. She needs to regain your trust and establish herself as a person who loves and respects you. Having a child at this point would be a bandaid for your problems. She was willing to lie, cheat, put your health at risk with a younger man and now you wish to reward her by renewing your vows and having a child? She needs therapy and prove to you over time that you should stay in this marriage or not. Your wife has some serious problems with the concept of committment and marriage and to bring a child into this situation would be unwise at this point. You and her need a great deal of time with therapy to understand the magnitude of her betrayal. I just don't have an answer to a person that would lie to her therapist and do what she did to you. I just think you are moving too fast because you wish to remove the pain that she has caused you and that you are rewarding her for her betrayal of you. I wish you luck.

Hi John,

Infidelity is something that no one is ever prepared for. I don't know if it will help you to know that your story sounds pretty typical. What that means is that 1. there are lots of people here who understand, and 2. it is possible to recover your marriage, others have done so with similar circumstances.

You are very close to D-Day. I don't think you should be beating yourself up for not trusting your wife. She has betrayed you terribly, and one does not just snap back from that kind of hurt. It will take time AND it will take actions on her part (responsibility, remorse and accountability) before you'll trust her again.

A couple of things are bothering me about your story. I'm not really sure you are in recovery. What has your wife done to prove that her relationship is over? As long as contact with the OM continues it will keep the Emotional Affair active, hindering any marital progress. Unfortunately, I see her insistence that you trust her (let me guess, she still needs privacy?) as a red flag that the relationship is still active.

I knew that we were in recovery when my husband willingly offered up access to every part of his life, and had nothing to hide.

Even with Radical Honesty being practiced in our marriage, early recovery (over a year after DDay - I'd had time to stop reeling from shock) was just HELL.

I think since it is still unclear if your wife's A is still active, that you should give Steve Harley a call. He helped save my marriage. He can give you fantatsic guidance on what to do next. He's very good at taking the "pulse" of the marriage and figuring out where you stand. He can also help your wife understand what she needs to do for you in order to help you heal and help you trust again.

You can set up an appointment thru the counseling link on the top of the page - its a FANTASTIC investment in your marriage.

John3 -

Welcome to this forum, but I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you.......

Please do not complicate things and potentially make them worse by bringing a child into an unsure marriage. I agree with BryanP's statements above. His words may seem harsh to some, but there is great wisdom in going slow right now.

Something you already know is that the wayward wife's (WW) words mean nothing. We have to watch thier actions. That takes time. In the next 12 months you will find new definitions for patience, fear, uncertainty, hope, anger, etc. Welcome to the rollercoaster that no one wants to be on <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

Gib

sorry - double post

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>

Thanks for all the feedback; it really does help me feel less alone.

I also worry about the too fast issue BryanP; however it (like so many other things) is so complicated. For years I believed I did not want children, therapy has helped me understand some of the "why" part of that (was not anything as complex as abuse). I find myself now wanting a child; brought to tears by the ending of the movie "Dragonfly." I suddendly realized that life was not about he who dies with the most toys wins. However, with my wife at 42; we have a little issue with time (we aren't even sure if it may be too late now). I know that is not a great reason, but it is a factor.

Regarding the wedding vows; I do not look at that as an end, more as a beginning. She has shown remorse for what she has done, and has taken accountability for it. We talked much about what it would mean for us to renew our vows in front of god, our family and closest friends (her mother and some of our friends know of her affair through my wife telling them). I feel I need her to stand and commit to us in front of god and our families to help me begin to heal. Maybe flawed; I am not sure of much in my life right now. We chose the day of our first date to renew our vows, in a place that we first fell in love.

Regarding her honesty; she has mostly done this however I am also still concerned. We have disconnected her computer and now share one PC, and frequently read our email together (she has a seperate email account). She has made her cell phone bill open to me (by combining our cell accounts) and destroyed her calling card (she used to use it to contact him from work). However, she still has a problem with being fully open, but I think it is because she never had to do that before, and it reminds her of the mostake she made. We are going to discuss that later tonight.

Thanks so much again for answering my post!

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: John3 ]</small>