Here I am at 1 year in recovery seriously thinking about separation.

I'm gonna try and give you this year in a nutshell:

Me and H were in weekly counseling for 9 months and now go about once every 3 weeks.

I caught H in a lie in April. Basically, he got a bonus in December and lied about the amount. I thought he may be lying so I called his bank and found out the truth. We were 6 months into weekly counseling at that time. I was torn during the time of December - April with wanting to buy my kids new beds but me and H had an agreement to get credit card debt-free first. We discussed the 4 month lye in counseling and the bottom line is H felt our relationship was a dictatorship where I control everything and he was trying to regain some control. Really it was more like boundaries I put in place that had never been in our marriage before which he was not use to. Example: when we first remarried I found a picture of another woman on his desk and my Plan A type of response was I love you and I forgive you but didn't require ANY change or evidence that it was over.

It has always been a lifetime dream of mine to be a stay-at-home mom. In all our separations (see signature line) H has been in total agreement with me being at home but when we get back together everything changes. I've been the breadwinner for the 12 years of our marriage. I am unemployed now for about 6 weeks. About 4 weeks ago we had a fight about me not working. He was stressing over the bills. We are fine financially but we agreed to get an SUV in September once our credit card debt was paid off. Me being unemployed has put off our "debt-free" plan and the SUV but other than that we have MORE than enough to live. Being unemployed is a trigger for me cause there was continued contact when I was unemployed and H started a new job. Well, I am unemployed and H just started a new job. I think, he thinks that he is safe to cheat cause he thinks I need him in these circumstances.

We had a fight the next week about him going out to dinner with some people from work. It was a trigger for me. He usually sends me the email of the boss planning these events but in this case he didn't. There were a LOT of questions on my part but I feel like he answered them and showed evidence that he was being truthful. UNLESS, he has learned through all this how to be a better cheater.

I planned a date night last week. The kids were gone from 2:00 pm Saturday until 11:00 am Sunday. We had massages, dinner, movie.

This week I am angry again. He referred 2 people to get employed at his job. He gets 2 referral bonuses for that and agreed to split them with them. I'm thinking, we don't have enough money for me to be at home but he has enough to split the bonus with them. So once again I am not a priority. But since he already agreed with them I thought no biggy, but I gave him more referrals and I said IF they get hired I would rather him not offer to split the $$$. But he said he is anyway.

On Sunday of last week I asked for nonsexual touch. He didn't give it. I mentioned that. On Thursday I again asked for nonsexual touch and again he didn't give it. I mentioned that.

On Saturday, we had counseling and I brought up the fact that I don't feel like a priority and the job and the nonsexual touch. I brought up that I think this marriage is more trouble than it is worth. And still no "nonsexual" touch.

H is leaving town on business Tues and asked I buy him new underwear, new undershirts and a calling card. HUGE triggers here. He was talking in his sleep last night saying "that is false" sounds like he is defending himself.

He went out of town before on business and did a LOT to help me feel secure before he left and while he was gone. While he was gone I said I missed him but I really didn't, it just seemed since he is doing all the right things that it was the right thing to say.

My big thing is not "is he cheating again?" my big thing is whether he is honest or not do I really want to live this way? I know it takes 5 years to get over an affair and he can use words and actions to speed up the process and words and actions to slow down the process. I just don't know if I want to go through the inner turmoil for 5 years.

Our kids adore him. When we have separated in the passed he has used them to get me back by 1. he crys in front of them and prays with them that mommy will soften her heart and let daddy come home and 2. he refuses to see them cause it hurts him too much. So I am left with their broken hearts. My plan has always been to try my best to make this marriage work and when they graduate from high school I will gage if it is worth it or not. So I am, in a sense, staying for the kids, BUT I am also trying to show them what a great marriage is. I will not stay in a loveless marriage and let that be their example. But I will strive to have a recovered marriage so they can see our example of the effort it takes to make marriage work.

After the big discussion in counseling on Saturday about me feeling like low priority there is no change in him. He leaves town on Tues yet spent a couple hours last night working on his Aunts pc.

Also, since I just found out the lie in April, there has only been 4 months to recover from that and I am just waiting for the next shoe to drop for me to find out the next lie. But again, to me the issue is not, is he lying or cheating. The issue is do I really want to continue down this path. So, thats our year of recovery in a nutshell.

Any thoughts?

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</small>

Ask your husband what he thinks will improve your relationship ....

Ask him this in 2 ways:

1. What will you do to improve our relationship?
2. What can I do to improve our relationship.

Ask him to write his answers down so you can read them. You do the same. Then exchange what you wrote with/for each other. Give yourselves a week to mull it over before you discuss what you wrote to each other.

HIS needs YOUR needs .... what are they? Have they been fully communicated and understood?

Giving up ... ??? This is marriage ... not just YOUR marriage, but MARRIAGE .... The problems that you own are going to be your problems in or out of this M.
Is your marriage any tougher than anyone elses?
Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks for replying Pepper,

His Needs/Her Needs have been fully communicated.
The problem is he ignores my needs until there is a crisis. Our MC even thought he may be ADD - because of his inability to focus (when there is no crisis) and his ability to hyperfocus (when we are in crisis). He wasn't willing to explore that option although if I mention separation he will probably be willing.

Is my marriage tougher than anyone elses? Yes, it is. A marriage suffering to recover from one A and a serial cheater is a huge difference.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The problems that you own are going to be your problems in or out of this M </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your right in that we have kids together so we will need to communicate divorced just as we need to communicate married. BUT I am in recovery, I have come a LONG way in the last 8 years that I have been dealing with his unfaithfulness and dishonesty. I have learned a LOT. One thing I have learned is that I am responsible for my life and my choices. I am wiser in that I do not have to choose to be with someone who is dishonest AND that I am better able to see dishonesty and not be easily decieved.

What did you do during the year you were divorced?

What made you decide to remarry him? Were the marriage issues then.... somehow different than the issues are today?

P <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

During the 2 years we were divorced I became a born-again Christian.

I remarried him because I saw what was missing in my marriage - a relationship with Jesus. He also began showing signs that he had the same born-again experience as me. However after we remarried and the signs immediately started showing up that he was still being unfaithful. With the picture of the other woman on his desk, and the late nights out, and the continued disrespectful contact with the OW who broke up our first marriage.

When we remarried we had the same issues pushed under the rug. Basically, we had no boundaries in our marriage. I began putting boundaries in place in 4/2000 and began my personal recovery. The issues are different today. My expectations are raised. What I expect has been raised as far as accountability/truthfulness/faithfullness. Until 4/2000 I was submissive/quiet/very nonconfrontational about everything, I was a doormat - always loving, always putting out, we didn't have 1 single fight the first 3 years of our remarriage NOT because everything was great but because he did whatever he wanted with no consequences and I was just the loving wife at home. Now, I have a voice, I have choices, I take responsibility for my life. It is VERY different now in that I have grown and he is the same. He pretends to be different until I am secure in the relationship then his true self comes back.

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</small>

Is he aware that he is "this close" to losing you?

P

On Saturday's counseling session, I cried, sounded desparate, mentioned separation. Of course, then in my emotions I was questioning whether or not giving up so he had no reason to respond with words or actions. Today I am certain, the split is in my heart. So naturally, he wrote me a 3 page letter explaining some things that I already knew, admitted he hasn't given me any nonsexual touch, mentioned again how he is not up for so much counseling and yet again he is stressed about the bills.

Yes, he responds now, cause he can feel my emotional split/withdrawal and I'm done. Its so typical of him. I can't even talk to him. The counseling...he has no desire to go because I meet all his needs and he is happy and content and could really care less about my needs. The bills...this sickens me. What are we doing without? his SUV and us being credit card debt free (all in my name anyway). We still have more than enough PLUS him giving money away.

I guess this is what you would call in the red and my "taker" taking over. I'm very angry right now.

Thanks Pepper for responding, you have no idea how much that means. I hate to share my heart and words and they go off into his black hole/void. This viscious cycle continues.

Sheesh You sound exactly like me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It has been a year and a half since H's A. But I am not much happier today than before the A.

Mine too changed (long enough to appease) then everything has slowly but surely gone back to pre A status.

Mine didn't see any problem Pre A- the A was not our problem "according to him" it was his.

His marriage was fine- he wanted no changes from me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Yeah, he could come and go as he Da**** well pleased while I stayed home and took care of HIS responsibilities and worked a full time job myself.

Amazing ya know, when we were separated (9 months) he was able to cook, clean, do laundry etc etc etc.

Since he's been home seems as though brain functions no longer work and he's reverted back to "she can do it" attitude.

He knows FULL well one of my EN is domestic help. His idea of domestic help is telling one of the kids to do it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

They of course see right through him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I LB'D major a few nights ago, and quite frankly I could Care less <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I had quit smoking for years, when I started having relationship problems I began smoking again. Never mind that H could but would not put an end to the problems I was having. Long story short- He had numerous EA's refused to see wrong in them and told me quite bluntly "You are the one making something out of nothing- you are the one making yourself sick etc."

Okay, so I quit smoking- fast forward 1 month sobriety (hey it's hard- I can give it a name that sounds difficult can't I? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Back to square one- smoking twice as much as before

Fast forward- year and half since D day I quit last week- told H "If you put any stress on me and I feel like I can't survive without a cigarette I am packing up and moving out" He didn't reply- just said "Glad to see you're quitting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Answer this: I met a man while a friend and I were traveling- conversed maybe 15 sentences- he stays in touch with friend via E Mail- seems he was quite smitten with me, to the point that he will wait for me and stay true to me (in case marriage doesn't work- girlfriend has big mouth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (his wife passed away a year ago and he's lonely) anyway I mention this to my H trying to get him to understand how I am able to keep friendships with the opposite sex at their proper level. He didn't flinch an eyebrow never even asked this guys name NOTHING as if I had said I am baking clams for supper, are you hungry?

What does this mean? What's with him?? I would have wanted to know A LOT if he'd said the same thing to me