I took the advice of people on here. Today I told the woman that I have been having lunch with that we should stop. I said it seemed we were getting to close. This is what she told me, and it kind of made sense.
She said we are not embarking on an affair. She said she likes me as a friend. She is happy in her marriage. Very happy. She siad that some of the things I have talked about make her feel good about herself.
I said it seems like an affair. She said people might misconstrue it as that but it is not.
Shje asked me why we should stop. I said it just seemed funny. She asked if we have done anything wrong and I honestly said no.
We are not sneaking to lunch. We walk out in the open and eat in public places.
I went to the site about emotional affairs. Is thta what this woman is having with me? Can one person have an emotional affair even if the other does not? What I mean is that I am just a friend but she sees it as more. Can that happen?
What I really dont get is how a woman I have known for two years can all of a sudden get like this after just three lunches.
After we go to lunch she goes back to work and her husband calls her in the afternoon. I hear them talk. Very nice to him and they talk about what they are going to do that night. Pictures all over her desk.
It does not add up. In my office I have known people who have had affairs. The women are usualy very sexy and flirty. This woman minds her own business and is friendly but not flirty.
I am thinking about telling hre this seems like an emotional affair but that makies it seem like I am assuming she likes me and if I tell her that and I am wrong it makes me look really dumb.
From a woman's perspective what are the signs of an emotional affair?> I could list what is a sexual affair but this is new territory.

I'm probably not going to tell you anything that you haven't already heard here already.

If it feels the least bit wrong, then put a stop to it immediately. Weather she feels that it is wrong or not. If she has any feelings toward you at all at this point then her rationalizing things is her talking from the "fog". It would be easier for you to put a stop to it before you are too involved to make any rational decisions. You seem to be wondering into the fog a little yourself right now. Why would you continue to come here to receive justification to continue to see this woman for these innocent lunches if everything felt completely fine?

Listen to your gut and make a clean break now, before it's too late. Be the rational one here and take the high road while you still can.

Good job, Cautious! You've done the right thing by telling her you were getting too close and so no more lunches. Now walk away.

Her emotional well being, her marriage, her life in general are NOT your business. How she feels about your not having lunch with her is also not your problem. She is a business associate. Keep it that way from now on.

Better to err on the side of caution than to peek over the side of the slippery slope. Once you've started to slide on that slope (EA or PA), it's the roller coaster ride from hell.

You did the right thing.

Lori

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: at peace ]</small>

You are a smart person to put a stop to the lunches. Going for lunch seems harmless enough at first but no one is immune from the potential of an affair. She probably wanted to make it look like the lunches were "nothing" but could have been getting something emotionally from you that she wasn't getting from her H. Good thinking and way to go!

Justification, rationalization, and denial is what I see coming from her.

Ok, here is the straight and ugly - please hear what I am saying here.

The OM in my A was not really flirty. He was simply social. We started out as just friends and swore for the longest time that's all it was since we were both VERY HAPPY in our marriages, etc.

Now, fast forward a bit, I would still call my DH every day and talk nice to him and tell him I love him. I hate to admit, but I am not healing past all this so I will share it for your benefit, I would even hug, kiss and tell my husband I love you just shortly after sex with the OM. Chew on that.

The fact that you feel it should stop, for whatever reason, should be good enough for her. You owe her no further explaination. If you must, simply say it's not fair to your wife. 'Cause really it's not.

Please stick to your guns and don't let yourself fall back into the fogged air here. You are doing the right thing.

My best to you. Good luck.

Good for you, you're taking a step in the right direction. An emotional affair usually comes first, then develops into a physical one over time. My H also would tell you he had no intention of ever sleeping with my former best friend, but it did happen.

In counseling our MC told us that you know you've crossed the line when you start talking with the OP about your spouse, or about things only your spouse should know. For instance, my friend started telling my H about her sex life, or lack of it. Definite red flag. But he felt very sorry for her and they continued to 'just talk.' Unfortunately, it didn't stop there.

I have an idea. If you really want to see this woman, ask her husband and your wife to join you. If that's not comfortable, then you know you're asking for trouble being with her alone!

You really don't have to explain very much at all to her. Just say something like this.

" I have thought about this, and feel our meeting for lunch and talking is not proper, so I think it best that we don't meet for lunch any longer, or have any contact other than normal work related contact. Thank you, but goodbye."

Then walk away. You could even do it in writing ( e-mail) and not see her at all. You really don't have to teach her about EA's or any thing of that sort. Just make a clean break and don't see her.

As I re-read, I see you already told her, but now are trying to make her understand why. I don't think it's your job to make sure she understands it. If she askes again, just say something like the above and walk away again. She will get the message in time.

SS

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong>You could even do it in writing ( e-mail) and not see her at all.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure it isnt your corporate email. That gets very sticky. Unless of course you dont care if your boss reads it.

Good job walking away. Its for the best.