I was wondering if any other BS out there that feel the same way I do. Right now I feel that I am just stuck here in this period in my life. That life isn't getting any better or any worse for me. I don't want to be stuck in this period of my life too long like I have for several months. I am just not happy. I don't see the next few months getting any better for me either. I want things to be like they use to be but the reality is my wife (WS) is probably not going to want that. I would like for her to care and love me like she use to. I want things to be different then what they are but every day I wake up and still feel the same, just down. I am just spinning my tires and I am going no where. Does anyone else feel this way? Like you want to go to sleep at night and close your eyes and not have to wake up the next morning because you know more then likely the day is going to be the same. That you are going to have a period in the day that you are going to say how did he or she do that to me. You look or see something that sparks a memory in your head of the good times you use to have with your wife or husband. Why can't things be back like they were.
I have felt this way for a at least three months and I don't see myself clicking out of it. I have a feeling that things will either get better or worse before things change. I am hoping for better because worse isn't a nice option to me. I stay real busy but there are just things I see daily that spark so many memories of my wife(WS) and myself...

I too have been stuck in a rut just like you. My husband had an affair which I found out about in April this year. (It was the same week we we're to celebrate our 10th wedding aniversary) At first it was extremely hard, but somehow we moved forward but not before going backwards. Its only been 5 months & during the last couple of months it has been fantastic with alot of hard work - I too read surviving an affair. But at the moment I am struggling with thoughts & reminders of what he did to me. I can't seem to move past them & am desparately looking for ways to get on with life. I am happy with my husband & love him but it is hard to be positive when negative thoughts keep coming to your head. I am alittle different than you I can have good experiences & I actually think my new experiences with my H are better than they have ever been. But if someone had an answer on how to loose the negativatey from past experience I reackon I'd get there sooner. I can only say to you keep trying & fill her emotional needs as best you can. I found I really hard to put in the hard slog in at first to get back what I needed from him, but now it is certainly paying off. Talk to her too tell her how you are feeling you might be suprised at her response. Good Luck.

C_G,

I am with you, bro. I sometimes feel the same way. You are in counseling, right? It helps a lot. You notice how the roller coaster goes up and down? You're at the bottom of the hill right now, but it will come back up. It's very cyclic. My cycle started out being about 1 week long, and now they are at least 2 weeks, maybe more and the downhill part lasts a lot shorter. It does get better, but it takes time, work, and introspect. Learn who you are by spending time alone, doing things you enjoy. It still hurts, and I still think about her constantly, but the feelings become more distant. I, too, would want nothing more than for my WW to come back to me and for us to have a chance to start over. The thing you have to realize is that you can't force that. The best chance you have for that to happen is for you to become confident in yourself and be happy with only YOU. That way, if she comes back or not, you will be happy. Keep posting, I like hearing from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-NK

hi cg,

I know how you feel. Im trying my best to do things to improve myself. Right now, I work, practice martial arts (3x per week), go to church, spend a lot of time with children, family & friends.

I also finished 30 ic sessions.

I still find myself feeling like crap sometimes. I also came to the understanding I can not control my WW. All I can do now is face my fear that my M may not work out and to move forward. I decided that although I am not going to enter into any new relationship, I refuse to walk in place and wait for my WW.

With all being said, its is still difficult. One day I want to be just like the coffee guy we know here...

come on guys, cheer up. It is easy to feel down, believe me (yes I am female) I have been there too. But I think your on the right track look after yourself 1st - get back on track, take some time out & think about what you want. If what you want is to fix your relationship then get in there and give it a shot. At least if you give it a go you've tried & if it doesn't work out I am sure that in time you will meet someone who deserves you more. Mean while keep busy look after yourselves (Join the gym - keeps you busy & helps you meet great new people)! Keep your chins up it does get better.

C_G,
I relate completely, but then I know it is time for me to get going on myself in one way or another. I try to get busy to get my mind off of things, call a good friend and get sympathy, then work on myself. I just read a really good couple of books that have helped me look at things from a new perspective and I feel like I am making progress on myself. If my WH never wants to be with me again, I will have improved myself and gotten closer to resolving my own issues.

Here are the books:
"Forgive for Good" Dr. Fred Luskin
"You Can Be Happy No Matter What" Richard Carlson
"The Forgiving Self" Robert Karen

I think those names are right. When I get stuck or unhappy, I look back at the stuff in these books and I get help. I also read a lot of Christian books and listen to music to help strengthen my relationship with God. It has all helped. I am moving forward with myself and that will help my R in the future, either with my WH or someone new someday. Take care!!

You have some good advice here.

Focus on you, whether plan a, or b, it is all about you. You can control you. It is in your power. You cannot control anyone else, that is their choice.

Why not try being the best you that you can be? What do you have to lose? regardless of your marital situation.

Fill the void in your life with positive things, exercise regularly, try a new hobby, try an old hobby, spend time with friends, keep yourself busy. Time moves fater that way. You also focus less on WW and more on you.

Then one day she may come back and you will be in a better situation than you are now for the long road of recovery.

or

Then one day you'll have moved on in many levels and won't care about divorce and won't have so many sad times etc, you'll be a better person, and you won't ever wonder or have regrets as to whether or not you did everything in your power to work on the M.

I hear what all of you are saying. It is just real hard to wake up one day at the age of thirty and realize that all the things that were around you that you were so happy about in life are no longer there. In a time span of ten months I caught my wife cheating and watched her just walk away as well my second dad (step dad) passed away from lung cancer. I know a lot of you are going to say come on you are young and only thirty. Well my dream was to be married have have at least my first child some where around this age. I love kids very much and that was just something I always wanted in my life. Life was going good and then the road just ended. Yes, with time it maybe my wife or someone else that I may have a child with but look at this way. We only live life once and this time is just clicking on by as we sit here. From the damage that has done to me from my wife it would probably take me a long time before I would even have the thoughts or desires of wanting to see someone else. Of course I am going to get that "with time" thrown at me again. Keep in mind this time maybe months or years.
I feel I have made myself a better person. I have been in the gym now for about 1.4 years and I am doing things for me. I try and do things that make me happy. If someone could just zap my mind I would be ok. When I wake up at 2:00 a.m. after a bad dream of my wife doing something then what do I tell myself?
Time, time, time, time...Yes with time things will go some where. But I just hate thinking that this time is sort of wasted time from that life dream that I always wanted. Marriage, kids, etc...
It is so easy to think it is not that bad and come on you can do it. But living it day in and day out takes it's toll on the old mind and body....

I hear you time time time. I really do understand how your feeling, I have been there & still go there, but what keeps me strong is that you only get one chance at life & I know (& believe you probably do to) I want to have a happy life. Don't let somebody else ruin it for you. Sure this is probably the most ****ty time you'll ever experience, but you've got to hang in there, it does and can get better. Firstly you need to focus like the other guys are saying on YOU. Your wife or anybody ain't going to want to be around the depressed you. You have every right to feel how your feeling too, but it is almost like going against all things you do to protect yourself. In order to know if it is going to work or if it isn't worth working for you've got to give it your best shot and give it the best shot with the good you don't go in half hearted. Clean the slate, try to get in there & give it a go as if it is your last chance - if it works great it can be fantastic - if it doesn't well new plan be a new you & who knows what might happen. Love like you've never been hurt. I feel for you and wish you the best!

Hey c-g

No answers here, just I hear you...I have been in ths ame place for a long time.

I continue to work on me and let my WW sort out her issues...maybe that brings us together...maybe not but I sure know how you feel.

During this period I also lost my dad and that was kind of tough, too....

All you can really do is put one step in front of the other until you get to a point where you say, enough is enough....I haven't gotten there yet...maybe tomorrow may be the next day maybe never...who knows...

Hang in there ...

E

C-G, I'm a confused guy too.

I have these feelings all the time. I am in a sort of Plan B. I am trying to stay away from any form of contact with my W. She is very very angry at me and I keep seeing her, only to get hurt some more.

I too am trying to figure out what if anything I should be doing. Neil.

Dear Confused,

Boy, what you wrote pretty much summarizes how I feel about my life too! One day flows into the next and so on. Duldrums. No changes. I feel like this year was almost an exact repeat of last year, minus her PA's of course, but otherwise all the same. If I wasn't concentrating so much on taking care of myself with proper diet and exercise (I've lost 45 pounds and counting) and focusing on work, I would be more miserable and depressed than I am now. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and wake-up single again and out of this hell life. So far, all her affair has done is to exacerbate all the differences and problems that we share and right now they seem insurmountable and unresolvable. Ever since D-Day she has lashed at me more and more about my past EA and other shortcomings than at any other time I can recall. What I am really seeing here is that she never forgave me for anything in our past and it is all festering and popping out now. She acts as though the list against me justified her PA's and I am just supposed to call it even and move on from here, but I can't!

Now we have an anniversary coming up and I don't even want to face it. I have almost no joy in my heart for her or us. I dread that weekend. I posted my anniversary plight in the forum and I hope to get some good advice on how to handle it. I pray daily and hope for some divine intervention to show me the way out of this situation or out of this marriage. Either way, I don't want to continue too much longer like this in my life. I hope your situation improves over time. I thought mine was improving but then it turned for the worse and it continues on in that direction!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by confused_guy:
Life was going good and then the road just ended.

Maybe this is the fundamental problem facing you, me and others who can't get past the hump of all this crap. We think life was going so well. Maybe it was for us, but not the WS, obviously. So maybe, deep down, we know it just wasn't that great for us, either.
One way or the other, we have to face facts: We weren't getting the EN job done. Either we didn't know what to do, or thought we were doing fine and our S wasn't telling us we were off base. Whatever the case, we have to realize life WASN'T clicking along. That was part of the illusion.
Now we're given another chance. That means, despite whatever anger and resentment we have, we have to realize the S has similar anger and resentment. I think these mental breakdowns that cause us to wake up at 2 a.m. and ponder the future are really due to us saying "Hey, it's not fair that I have to work so damned hard to make this relationship something valuable. I can find it out there somewhere and it won't take as much work."
I know I don't want to indulge my W's desire to move on and get happy, simply because I don't think I've had my pound of flesh just yet. And it would be much easier to hit the road and find someone else who has a blank slate to draw on.
But, I also know this, and this is what keeps me going: When my wife said she wanted a separation, maybe a divorce, I thought of nothing -- not a damned thing -- for the next week outside of the idea that she would be leaving me and my heart would be broken. I didn't think about the work, the sacrifice, the possible years and years and YEARS of recovery that might be necessary, the OM, the lies, the deceit... nothing but the idea of living without her. And it just sucked. I don't want to be without her. I think that's love.
So, I have a choice: Do I want it better, or do I want it like it was when I had my head buried in the sand? Comfort says make it like it was. Reality says, make it like it should be. If you failed, at least you really tried. Don't let yourself wake up five years from now at 2 a.m. thinking "Well, if I just would have tried a little bit harder."

Confused Guy,

Our situations are so similar it is eerie. I have been meaning to write you for awhile, but I tend to do more reading of the board than writing. I apologize for taking so long to write!!!

My two year anniversary was Sept. 9, 2002 (BTW, I heard nothing from my H). I have been with my H for 7 years total. I can honestly say 5 of those 7 years were fantastic (we have been separated for an entire year already). Even my H would not dispute this.

I am 29 and my H is 30. I also found out about the affair in October of 2001. October 17 to be exact. But, we had been living apart since June, started dating again in late August, and I discovered the PA/EA (I believe it was only an EA while we were "dating" again) in October. Unfortunately, I didn't discover MB until December 2001 and can honestly say I did some serious damage between October and December.

I can so relate to being told that I am young and there are much better men out there, etc... Could be true, but I don't want any of those men. I said my vows and I meant them!!!

And like you, I envisioned myself beginning my family now. We even had names picked out for our children. I struggle now watching many of my closest friends, who married around the same time as me, beginning their families. I am so very happy for them, but cannot help feeling a twinge of envy. Why did my life take this horrible turn???

But Confused Guy, take a look back at where you were a year ago October. Take a moment to remember your pain and anguish. Take a moment to reflect on who you were at that time. As I write, I am doing the same thing. Now, compare it to where you are now. Haven't you made significant progross? Aren't you a better person now? I think you are, I have been reading your posts for awhile now.

I look back to a year ago and remember someone whose life had literally been taken and turned upside down. I was in tears for hours everday. I couldn't work, at least not productively. I was going through the motions but not living. I didn't know how I was going to ever move on. My EVERY thought was about my H.

So many days I feel exactly like you have been feeling lately. Some days are better than others. But, I try and remember how far I have come!!! I still think about my H daily, but I also have begun to enjoy life again. Can I envision my future without him, no. So I try and take it one day at a time. I still think I will wake up one day and this will all be over. I still am waiting for him to realize his mistake and want to come back. I am beginning to doubt this will ever happen.

And yes, there are plenty of days that I feel like life is standing still. Like there is no progress either way. I am not getting over him and he is not coming back.

I am glad you are exercising. I am as well and I feel that this has been my saving grace. When I am feeling really sad I go to the gym. It gets me out of the house and makes me feel better about me.

To this day I will never understand how a guy who called me his best friend everday for five years can walk away without ever having given it another try. And it amazes me that he isn't even concerned enough about me to call and check up every-so-often. But he doesn't and life does go on.

We will survive and be better people for it, with or without our spouses!!!!!

AS

advice seeker....
It is true that I seem to handle it better now then I did when I first discovered all of this. I am not sure that is a good thing because my biggest fear with Plan B is that we are just going to drift a part like two ships at sea. When I think about all of this if life does have to begin over again down the line I will never ever replace what we had. We did so much with each other and it was both our first times of doing it, well frankly you just can't replace that. You can't replace that feeling you have when you did something for the first time. Like for example when you watched your first sunset and sunrise in the same day with someone.
Now I am scared that my wife will never be that person she once was to me. You are all right I can force her to do anything but bottom line it still sucks to have your heart broken.
I hear you advice seeker on the fact that my wife used to go to her parents to sleep when I was out of town for work. She was one that could never handle me being gone or away from her. Now she wants nothing, I mean nothing to do with me. Sad to say also she has done the same with her parents. She is always too busy going out with her friends on a Friday and Saturday night to stop by and say hi to her folks. One day this will all hit those WS right in the face on what they did and the damaged they caused...
But by then it might be too late.