Sorry I've been kind of MIA lately...I still pop on to keep updated, but it seems like everyone I'm familiar with is taking somewhat of a sabatical these days.

I have a question about how to deal, or whether to deal, with a situation. The guy I hired on as my new assistant is going through what so many of us have or are going through. He's 27, married with 2 kids, and divorcing. He says she cheated on him, he forgave her (and the way he said it was like it was just blown off and not dealt with at all) but things changed after that. He said things weren't good so he asked that they take a break from each other to figure out what they both wanted. He took that to mean a temporary seperation...he says she took it to mean that he was going out to screw anything that moved and therefore went out and did the same. He said he never saw anyone, but she slept with 15 or so guys. I do think he's exagerrating, but who knows.

Anyway, then he up and runs off to find an internet lover in Wyoming or SD...not sure which. She's his soulmate, don't you know? Well...this little soulmate of his isn't LEGAL!!!! She's 16...going on 17 very soon he says. WHATEVER! So now he's in a situation with that where the parents won't even let him speak to her yadda yadda yadda. He's unsure where that's going to go...counting the days til when she's "released" (ie turns 18) and still looking around at who's available to date in the area. Uh...HULLO??? Anyone getting divorced around here yet? No. Still not divorced. And he still loves his wife very much. He's a stubborn pain in the butt and every time we talk about it he end it with Well I wish SHE...or maybe if SHE. He'll take no responsibility for his own poor choices after they started having problems...and probably doesn't even realize his own distructive actions and words EVEN NOW when he speaks to her. He's constantly throwing it in her face.

I think there's still hope...but I don't know what to do. I talk to him when he opens the door and shut up immediatly when it looks like he's shutting me out again. He's acting like a 19 year old, not a 27 year old...and to tell you the truth it's affecting his work too. If he doesn't start acting more like an adult...I hate to say it, but I won't keep him hired on. I've built up this business and my reputation over 6+ years of hard work...I won't piss it away because of his immaturity. I should also mention...I've known him since we were kids. His sister was one of my best friends for years. We're not close now, but I still consider her a good friend. I'd really love to help him...but I'm just unsure what to do.

I was thinking about buying a copy of Surviving an affair...do you think that would help him to understand his part in things and/or how to work past his pain? I have His Needs Her Needs...but that to me is more for the relationship part of it, and I really think he needs to understand the adultry part of it first. Any suggestions...what do you think??

Hi H4F
Already wondered where you've been. Tricky situation with your assistant - maybe you should start telling him he shouldnt let his dcik do all the thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
On a more serious note, the way we all deal with these issues has indeed something to do with maturity. If you're not mature (yet) then you may get there in due process; and maybe not.
So, as long as he doesnt open his eys, considers a different point of view, then it's effort wasted I'm afraid.
Regards
N

Hi H4F nice to see you again.

I think you should try to help in some way, both for the person AND for the employee. If it is affecting his work then it will effect the business.

I think it is from this business angle you should approach it and keep it professional. I know you won't let anyof your emotions start anything, but for him??? Isn't just talking how many A's get started? He is looking for an anchor, emotionally and physically you know to be careful but you can't control how he feels. You know this, Be careful, you might become the OW to the employee's wife, in thought if not in actions.

They both need help, professional help, MC and or IC. The best from your perspective is to recover a good worker, but you may have to let him go. And because he is an employee, you should not reveal to him your experiences because that will allow him to feel closer to you than an employee, any employee, should. The boss needs to show concern but stay aloof, a thin line a best..

I guess bottom line, yes help them to get help, to improve his work performance and his(their) life, but you can only work directly on the job performance. Getting him a copy of SAA will help for both aspects, but then later he will want someone to talk to about what he has read, i thnk that should be a MC not you. I know, you have a lot to offer, but he is there, physically, not on a computer forum with a pseudoname. He is to close.

I have been a manager of people for groups large and small. It is best to focus on the job perfromance and let all of your talks be CLEARLY from that aspect and not undermine the employer-employee relationship.

BTW, What type of business are you in?

Good luck, I hope it works out for them,

DRS

I missed YOU!!!!!!! ((( HUGS )))

Talk about his kids ... ask how they're doing .... every conversation ask about missing out on their development ... and such stuff like that .

A 16 year old "soulmate" says VOLUMES about his maturity level. I'm sure she'd make a fab step-momma to his kids! They could all go to Chuckie Cheese's together on their birthdays!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Kids .... keep hammering.

Pepper

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS .... Slip the word "family" into your conversation as often as possible. "How's your family holding up?" See if you can get him to use the word "family" in a conversation! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

We've already crossed that boss/employee line over in to friend territory...and it did cause some trouble for a short time. I've worked out of my home for 4 years...and for someone else 2 years prior to that. I've dreamt of opening this store for even longer than that. So this is MY BABY and I've done the work to be the boss. He walked in and thought he got to pick what he gets to do. Uhh...no. Anyway, I figured at that point that I'd need to get more "boss like"...which I have. This is all new to me, so I'm learning as I go too.

He knows quite a bit of our situation, and I have no problem with that. Heck...pretty much everyone I know does. It's part of my experience..therefore it's part of me and who I am.

But I am done preaching...and I'm afraid that's how some of what I've said has come across...mostly because that's the point he's at. He is incredibly immature...many of my customers are shocked to hear he has 2 children and is 27.

I just thought maybe SAA might give him some insight in to commoness of the affair. He made the comment that his wife is now saying she loves him but isn't in love with him. I said that's incredibly common. He asked me to explain it, so I did.

Ugh...I know to a large extent he's got to figure this out himself...but it's driving me nuts that he isn't even trying to! They had counseling once, he said, and the counselor was terrible.

Anyway..got to get to the office (computer store).

Pepper!!! How are you!! I saw your post in amoungst Spaces...how is your son doing?

You know...I've done that very thing. I invited him over for a family meal. Talked to him the next day about my son and said I just couldn't imagine not being there every day...etc etc... I think I'll get him to bring a picture of his kids so he can put it on the bulliten board at work.

What do you think of SAA? If I bought it and took it to work to read...left it there when I wasn't reading it? I've always been curious about it anyway, since we never read it. Or would his needs her needs do the trick, since I have that one already? Hmmm....

H4F:

Good 2 have you back! I hate it when my favorite people disappear from the 4um for a while! ...but maybe you were having fun?

Anyway: "I was thinking about buying a copy of Surviving an affair...do you think that would help him to understand his part in things and/or how to work past his pain? I have His Needs Her Needs...but that to me is more for the relationship part of it, and I really think he needs to understand the adultry part of it first. Any suggestions...what do you think??"

I think you could save yourself a few bucks and buy a 6 foot 2x4 douglas fir stud instead. Whack that bad boy upside the Haid with it. Beat him in2 a REAL "stud muffin"! ...okay, I'm done... no violence on my account, Oh Que?

I like Pepper's suggestion. Encourage him 2 think about his family here, not s2pid things like his baby soulmate.

A sidebar: I had the most amazing thing just happen. Dropped a bag of mini Oreos on the carpet, and it landed "butter-side up!" I don't think I've EVER had that happen be4! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Hope,
It's good to see you back. I have wondered how you and H have been doing since your frustrating aniversery trip. Were you ever able to explain to H your feelings about that and help him understand?

As far as your 27 year old employee - I have a small business also and have had to deal with things like this. I tend to leave them alone unless they want help. ( It's hard to teach when there is not a student in the room.) I have found they don't listen unless they are doing the asking. One girl is now in jail, ( drugs) she refused any kind of help or advice. Her job performance suffered so much we let her go a few months before the law got her.

Seems the biggest mistake I have made is keeping them long after I should have let them go. When you care and want to help you tend to keep them around trying to help. I now think that in most cases it helps more for them to experiance consenquences than any thing we can say. ( unless they ask for help, or are searching for it.)

I have tried in the last few years to find ways to get them to question what is happening and seek help ( so I could teach) but so far no luck.

SS

Hi,

Just another thought. Whould his maturity level keep him from really understanding the stuff SAA talks about?

I agree with Pepper, keep his family in every talk and how can he can best help his kids grow up best as possible. How he need to be mature to set the example....

I don't think MB has anything about how to increase a person's maturity level, usually that comes from a person's experiences, good and bad.

And you are right, about the preaching, it falls on deaf ears after a while.

H4F, you're such a good person, I know it drives you nuts to see such a decline and not be able to do anything about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That's why the only thing you can really do is come from the job aspect.

Since he already knows much of your situation, that will show him there is hope in his. The maturity aspect is what may be the big hurdle. He doesn't realize how important it is to do something, now.

When you explained to him about the "ILY but not in love" comment, what did you say? I've always wonders about that...

A computer store?? I teach computer technology, programming, building PCs, and such. What do you think, are computers still just a fad or are they here to stay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DRS

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: DesertReStart ]</small>

H4F,

My only suggestion is to give him a copy of SAA, this website address and Steve Harley's number, then stay out of it. You're right, he's got to figure out how to handle this himself. If he wants his marriage, he's got to take some accountability for the problems in his marriage. His W's A was a byproduct of those problems, not the cause of them. As far as the teenager, 10 years at that age is a lifetime. There's nothing there and I'm sure he'll realize it in time.

sad dad

P.S. BTW, plan B is going as expected. No contact or response since she got the letter. Didn't expect any.

Hope4

I think you should buy SAA AND His needs/her needs put them together and then whap him on the head with them!!!!! then deduct the cost of books from his salary....

(OK I am promoting violence in this case....)
OK OK not really...
but why not just use the dictionary and after you've nailed him hard between the eyes with it ...have him look up words like...
JAILBAIT!!! Cradlerobber... and ummm idiot??

THEN I'd ask him how he would LIKE his daughter talking with a 27 year old MAN with children...

Then I would only deal with him on a professional level...and only offer advice if he asks...but preface every sentence with "only blooming idiots believe that 16 year old girls could be a soul mate..."
well that is what I would do.....
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Other people have given better advice...but we are all entitled to be little off now and then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

peace to you and much luck to your business...
ARK

Uh is this guy having sex with a minor?

It's called Statutory rape.

You might want to consider the legal consequences to yourself, having knowledge of his behavior.

No, she's in another state...her parents won't even allow her to speak to him right now. I don't actually have the entire story...but yes, he could have gone to jail over it...but he also makes it sound like he was living with her and her parents...so explain THAT ONE to me. Whatever. He says she's a genius, graduated already and attending college. Yea, well, that's all well and good, but experience (that can mostly only be had by time on this planet) counts for something.

Anyway, she's only part of the problem...actually she's only a SYMPTOM of the problem. He's emotionally fused and needs a crutch...well, there she is. I honestly think if he'd pull his head out of his butt and look at his own actions for a change he might still be able to salvage his marriage.

On the professional level, however...I'm not sure he's going to make it. He lives in movie land...every other word out of his mouth is something from a film or some stupid video game. He reminds me of Layli's husband...and I wanna WHACK HIM!!! I'm giving him a couple more months...then if he hasn't proved himself a valuable asset...he's gone.

I took the following books to work with me today

Passionate Marriage
Divorce Busting
Five Love Languages
His Needs Her Needs
Relationship Rescue
How to Divorce as Friends (and maybe save your marriage), book on CD

...and stashed them away while he was watching like I didn't want him to see what I brought. I'm gone from Friday through Monday on a family vacation so if I sparked his curiousity at all he'll be snooping in the office while he mans it alone those days.

I also asked him for a picture of his kids today...scanned it on the multifunction machine and made a copy to frame in the office. I told him I'd get some frames so we could have pictures of our families there. Then I asked him if he works again this weekend (he's working at Pizza Hut on the side while he's in training with me). He said he did. I looked at him really sad and told him his girls were going to be teenagers before he saw them again! He said, yea, they'll be calling me "firstname" by the time they turn 8. I just agreed with him and shook my head.

He also noted that I win all the time...lottery tickets...pop tops, you name it. He said he wondered if I just believe myself to be a winner and therefore I am. Hmmm...possibly wondering why things are going so well for me when he feels they go so bad for him?

I'm in the process of printing off several inspirational posters to hang about the office. I took a ton of my favorite quotes from Belief net and put them together by "theme". I'll post them on a seperate thread later. Anyway...some I geared directly towards him...and if he gets it great, and if not...well...that's his loss eh?

Anyway, thanks for all the great advice everyone! My hubby is being so wonderful through all of this...I've been up late nights working on things for the office, and stressing like crazy...and then bithcing up a storm about the ASSociate lately. He's driving me NUTS with his immaturity. But I've been calling him on it and letting him know that I'm seriously questioning what it is he believes he wants out of this job in comparison to what it is I need from him.

<small>[ September 18, 2002, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

Oh, and when we talked about his situation a few times... I DID bring up Marriage Builders and even read off some of their material in an attempt to show him that his situation is far from unique. I told him point blank... so far nothing you've said she did or said to you sounds any differently than the bull I handed out to my hubby... your situation is pretty typical.

H4F:

"I'm in the process of printing off several inspirational posters to hang about the office. I took a ton of my favorite quotes from Belief net and put them together by "theme". I'll post them on a seperate thread later. Anyway...some I geared directly towards him...and if he gets it great, and if not...well...that's his loss eh?"

Well, then you probably don't want me 2 recommend my favorite sarcastic posters! "Demotivators" from "www.despair.com." They're actually pretty humorsome! My favorite one is entitled "Incompetence" and says "When you earnestly believe that you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, then there's no end 2 what you can't do." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2long *shaking head*, you're 2 weird <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Actually, I'll use that as a backup plan...if he doesn't change his attitude with the inspirational posters about, I'll put up some from that site. I'll just tell him it looked like those might fit him better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I tried to copy and paste all the pages of quotes I did up...but I did them in Print Shop (I'm beginning to seriously hate that program) and it won't let me paste the text into anything. So..I guess I won't reprint them...I'd have to retype them all!!!

Before I leave I'll make the MB site the main internet page...hee hee. That way if he uses the internet, which I know he will...he'll be reminded that this place is here!

"2long *shaking head*, you're 2 weird "

I resemble that!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />