The latest...it ain't pretty guys and gals.
Lots of questions answered though so I guess its a blessing in disguise.
Turns out my WW (ConfusedHeart) has been seeing OM since she moved out of the house and since filed for D. He was living in same town for some time then lost his job and moved away...but after he moved he has flown in to spend long weekends with her. I AM LOST!!!!
She told me, my family, her family, friends, everyone that it was over, swore, promised, "knew it wasn't the right thing", now they are back at it. My parents now know, her parents now know....DEVASTATED. There are rumors now flying around my work from people who have seen them together out...People are looking at me and whispering, his wife is dating so and so. I have the divorce papers sitting on my desk at home, haven't signed them yet, just read them yesterday, ironically.

I don't know what to do next you guys, I don't know where to turn. She has already said she doesn't want me in her life in any capacity so, this isn't going to phase her one bit that it came out. I guess her parents called her and were really upset. She is going down this self-destructive road and all I can do is watch and pray. She apparantly called some mutual friends to tell them that she had been doing some soul-searching and thinks its over between her and OM, but she said that before. He said the same thing, in fact, he's the one that came out with it over breakfast with some mutual friends...showed up driving our car.

I need something right now and I just don't know what it is...I am lost, I am despondent and I am having such a hard time. She seems to have lost all moral ground, she is doing whatever she wants with whoever, whenever...if its not the OM its going to be someone else...ADVICE..what do I do??

MH-

If you REALLY believe there is NO hope, then it's time to raise the white flag. Assuming you have been doing plan A all this time, now it is time for plan B with the D progressing. It is possible that once she sees that you are moving on also, she might take a second look back and come home for good. It's amazing how that works sometimes.

In my case, it just might...

".if its not the OM its going to be someone else...ADVICE..what do I do??"

You didn't force her to marry you and you can't force her to stay married to you.
If she does not want to have you in her life you have no choice but to move on.

Her behavior is all about *her*. It almost sounds like you're taking on her guilt and shame. My WH said "i'm sorry for humiliating you". I told him "you're not humiliating me, I didn't do anything. you're humiliating yourself". That made his jaw drop! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

tommaz is right, you can't do anything about changing her behavior. You can only do something about yours. When I finally realized that - and it took weeks for that simple idea to sink in, not just intellectually but emotionally - then I finally started detaching and getting perspective on the situation.

I know it's hard, really I do. I just got off a week-end bender myself after WH told me he wants to call it quits. I wanted to hide in bed and cry - and did! Good friends finally dragged me out for some physical activity and a few laughs. I know you've heard it before, but that really is the best antidote. Get it out of your system, talk, write, post, talk some more. Then get out and do things that satisfy *you*, whatever those things may be. Sports, movies, dinner with friends.

Take care.

Thanks for the ideas and thoughts...Faith1 you out there?
I know that I have to work through a lot of this and ultimately I did the only thing that I could do. Yesterday, the day after I found out about all of this...I put the rest of her stuff together, including a stupid chair, gathered her mail, signed the divorce papers and left them on her front steps...no note, no nothing. I have since heard that she got them, no response. I do know that she is angry that I contacted her parents, who she has been lying to for months now. Scary, and yet interesting to me, that she has become the very things that she despised and detested...she has become a cheater and a liar and I am desperately sad. This woman is not the woman that I married or even have known my whole life, she is someone else, someone who I don't really want back. I think if she would come back to God and work through her issues it would be different, but she doesn't even think that what she has been doing is wrong, i.e. sleeping with this other guy for the past nearly 3 months.

Truthfully, now that I know the whole truth, it makes more sense. How she could keep up the hatred, anger, bitterness, and why she hasn't given herself back to Christ. She knew that they would make her accountable for her actions...and she wants no accountablity to anyone!!
These pieces of life that I have left to fit together may take some work, but I see them going together one day nicely, with God's help!

Would love to hear some more input...worthatry, Orchid, Faith...anyone?
Did I do the right thing by signing...

I think what you said about her not being the woman you married is so true. It is amazing when how unreal the WS can behave. And it is so painful because it is like a death but worse because some wretched person is still walking around in your spouses body. The same face, voice, smile and yet they're gone. I think you did the right thing signing. It is just an opinion. Sometimes the only way out is through. I dont know all the ins and outs of your marriage but one thing is for sure the woman she is now is not the woman you married, this woman doesnt even want to be the bride she once was. I see no reason for you to martyr yourself in delaying the process. Who knows maybe she will have an epiphany. But you must carry on. The thing I hear so much here, and the thing that made a difference to me was focussing on myself. Not in a selfcentered way but a positive way. Early on I foolishly thought if I put in 150% it would matter. But it doesnt when the other person is putting in 0 or less.

I will keep you in my prayers. Warm wishes during this difficult time. Know that others have been where you are and we are better people for it. Whatever comes you will be too.

ayslyne

MissingHer,
I was thinkin aboutcha the other day. I figured it was about time for an update from you.

I'm so sorry that our guesses were right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I figured the A was continuing. Ya know, most of the time, from what I've seen here, when the WS continues the behavior CH has been displaying, it means the A is continuing. It's amazing how they all know the script. "Of course the A is over!!! I just don't have those feelings for you anymore."

Are you almost relieved, though? To know that her brain was still being controlled by the Mothership? Instead of the fact that she "just wanted a divorce"? Relief may not be the correct word.

I'm sorry, MH. It's such a horrible feeling to watch it all crumble.

Did you do the right thing by signing? Well, IMO, in your situation, I certainly don't blame you, and I think it was time. I don't know what stalling would actually accomplish. You are young, no kids, and you've put in a heckuva fight for this marriage. She knows your commitment and love, and she's aware of solid principles like MB to help you guys. She's choosing to run the other way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You seem OK. Like you are accepting that you're gonna be OK. It's amazing how we can decide we don't really want them, after they've truly disgusted us one last time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Keep us posted, K? Let us know if/when you hear from her, or how the D proceedings go. I would limit communication if possible - IF she tries to contact you, OK? Can you draft up a plan B letter? Basically a love letter, requesting no contact unless she decides to discuss a plan to rebuild your marriage. It's not useless at this point. I think you should do it.

Hang in there. Talk to us anytime, K? I wish I had something really wonderful and profound for you. Just know that you have our support. You've learned a lot here, and you've grown stronger and wiser.

<small>[ September 18, 2002, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ayslyne:
<strong>I think what you said about her not being the woman you married is so true. It is amazing when how unreal the WS can behave. And it is so painful because it is like a death but worse because some wretched person is still walking around in your spouses body. The same face, voice, smile and yet they're gone. I think you did the right thing signing. It is just an opinion. Sometimes the only way out is through. I dont know all the ins and outs of your marriage but one thing is for sure the woman she is now is not the woman you married, this woman doesnt even want to be the bride she once was. I see no reason for you to martyr yourself in delaying the process. Who knows maybe she will have an epiphany. But you must carry on. The thing I hear so much here, and the thing that made a difference to me was focussing on myself. Not in a selfcentered way but a positive way. Early on I foolishly thought if I put in 150% it would matter. But it doesnt when the other person is putting in 0 or less.

I will keep you in my prayers. Warm wishes during this difficult time. Know that others have been where you are and we are better people for it. Whatever comes you will be too.

ayslyne</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

It's amazing how smug people can be. How they the BS's have an attitude of you screwed up our years together now I love this guy/girl. When you do have to communicate with them I'ts on their time away from their new love.
I't been a year of seperation for me and WS and now I'm just waiting for this to be over. I tried all the plans and love her but I do'nt get into having cake and eating it to. We are suppose to be swapping financial disclosures and getting this over withas soon as possible. Last time we talked was 2 days before our 6th anniversary. She called for no good reason.
One day at a time. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

My dear MH,

I am sorry to hear of things going down hill for the WS. But for you, seeing this all written out on paper makes you feel like what?!?!?

You stated that this is not the woman you married. Now to see it in writing, does it lessen the pain and give you some strength to move forward?? I hope so.

Let's get you refocused. Filing for D is not the end of the world you know. Her downhill spiral will have to end sometime. No bottomless pit here. Just a long spill.

Now that others know, see what happens. You asked what to do, it is time to sit back and let the others say their piece.

Have you read Redhat's thread about enabling the A? Go read it. Good stuff.

Need to build back your strength. Come on, you can do it. We will be right here to help. OK? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

Wow!!
You guys are amazing do you know that? I have beaten myself up and wondered why. I have contemplated and thought about what I did and what I could have done differently. NOTHING WOULD HAVE MATTERED!! She WAS being controlled and IMO still is. I am deeply sad, hurt, frustrated, just go through the gambit, but...as I said before, feel like I am stronger and have taken a level of control here. I am wondering what the impact was to her...to get the signed papers the day after I found out that the A continued; to get them with no note, no nothing, just her with the knowledge that she has yet again been exposed to her sin.

She has since talked with a mutual friend, not a Christian mind you, but someone who is a good person and is telling her that my inlaws are FURIOUS with me because I told them what was going on. She said that her mother already knew some stuff, not everything and that they are angry with me and my parents??? Don't quite understand that...sounds like she is more angry that I talked to them and not her...ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS. Should I have told her Mom and Dad, or just let her continue the lies?

Either way, I can tell you that from what I have gathered, the A bubble has burst on both ends. He has told some that its over, she says the same thing...not that it matters now.

Oh and one more thing, salt in the wounds...This loser she was with, was also flying to our city to visit another girlfriend at the same time he was screwing her! Now that is disgusting...I don't think she could have possibly known, but it is coming out now and I am sure it makes her feel pretty cheap. Thoughts?

We're amazing, huh? ... well, Orchid sure is!!! I'll second that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You DO sound stronger. You must remind yourself of the growth you've experienced, as well as looking forward to more growth. Growing pains hurt, but you will be much better off if you can focus on the good that can come in every situation.

Her family mad at YOU? Sure... sounds pretty typical. The moosebrain worms invade the WS parents sometimes. My ex disappeared from all communication with his Mom and sis for several months during the A. I turned to her for some support during that time - because she was concerned for her son, and for me. Later, ex and his whole family seemed to turn on me. I think it's a typical part of the alien thing. Don't feel bad for spilling the beans!

haha! You mean the OM has an OW??? No wayyyy... OP's would NEVER have more than one lover! LOL... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 20, 2002, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

MH,

Fog talk: "FIL & MIL are furious with you for telling them something they already kinda knew."

Reality talk: FIL & MIL are furious, hurt, frustrated and very very disappointed but at WHO? Hm..... at their child. Maybe they'd rather adopt you since you haven't ruined their reputation as parents.

Now you know they may try to even blame themselves for this one but at some point in our lives, even when our kids screw up, we have to let them take responsibility for their decisions. After all, they are adults!?!?!?!?

So MH, I wouldn't freet too much about what the FIL and MIL think. Even if there is an ounce of truth, so what?!?!?! Nah.... not worth your losing sleep or staying on that A diet. Go out, have fun...... smile and make the rest of the world wonder what you are up to..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Thank you both for the words...
I haven't really felt much like calling or talking to her. Ironic, considering the first thing she did when she found out about my A was to call my folks. Call me...cry, yell and scream...this time, she won't call me, won't call my parents and has again isolated people that really love her. I just don't get it.

Everything we both ever wanted in a relationship is right here in front of us...I love her very much and am in such disbelief over the direction she has gone. To become the very thing she despised and hated in me. I am now left wondering if I can trust HER...an interesting twist in this I think. I don't ever want to go back to the way I was living...kinda the way she is going now, lawless, with no fear of God and believing you don't need any authority...you become a law unto yourself. It doesn't matter how you slice it...she lied to everyone and even now, even today, more truth has come out and it again points to her not being honest with anyone, most of all herself!! God please help her wake up.

Thank you my friends for your support...your kindness. I am trying very hard to get past the rumors that are now floating around my work about her being seen by some with this guy. People are now asking me, why was she out with him, I saw them together and wondered what was going on? Its embarrassing really and all I can say is, "I don't really get it either". I have sort of shelled myself into just saying, "You know what, I don't really want to hear this anymore, what she does is her business now, I have to move on with my life." Its all you've got really. Maybe one day she will realize her mistakes and count the costs and maybe I will still be there to pick up the pieces with her and make a relationship that will be so solid, nothing and noone could ever come between us. I know I am ready.

MH,
Sounds like you are thinking through this very well. I hear ya, and understand your feelings very much.

I want to encourage you to resist contacting her, OK? If you think you want to call her, post to us, or write her a letter without sending it. This is very important in your detachment, grief and recovery process. She is choosing life without you, so let her know what it's like, OK?

Have you written your Plan B letter yet?

How's it going? Anything new?

Nothing new Faith, She hasn't tried to contact me at all. I hear little things now that people at my work know that she was with him. Lots of people offering support or telling me they are sorry. The word is that she feels little remorse for what she did, mostly upset she was caught and her parents found out.

From what I am picking up, she was ending it with OM and he wasn't really upset with that, but wanted to hurt me so that is why he decided to show up at breakfast with some mutual friends while driving my car. I really don't know what to believe anymore...they are both liars it seems so I am just trying to keep things in perspective. I know that she will probably never tell me the truth, easy since we don't talk anymore. Her birthday is coming up in October, I am battling how to deal with that. Otherwise, its all day to day...I miss her terribly, but I have come to the realization that what's going on really is her issues, not mine, not anymore. I am so freaked out by the direction that she has decided to go, I just wonder if she is so far gone that her pride would keep her from coming back, or if she just has given up on everything.

I haven't heard from her parents, which surprises me. They have always called to check on me, just to chat sometimes. Nothing, and my parents haven't heard from any of them either...I wonder if its because, like she said, they are angry at me, or if it is because they're embarrassed and feel bad? I don't know.

This is so day to day. I am going to go buy a new car though...I am looking at the new Nissan 350Z! I think a single 30 year old NBC news reporter would look pretty good cruising down the road in one of those don't you?

Hi MH,

I think you would look cool in a new car!!! What's the color?!?!? (Venusian thing ya know!)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

It is called Silverstone! Sort of a gunmetal grey metallic. Charcoal leather interior. 6-speed manual transmission. 287 Hp...yikes, fast, furious and completely not her!

you can see it if you go to nissanUSA.com, click on the 350Z...
http://www.nissanusa.com/vehicles/ModelHomePage/0,,23261,00.html

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ANYone would look good in THAT! Any age... male or female... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Glad you're doin OK... and still around...

Take care of yourself, k? Even if that means doing something like buying that car (As long as you can afford it!)

*sigh* it's a miserable task, but somebody has to buy those things... might as well be you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />