Within a few weeks of finding out about WH's A and figuring out our "issues" and his EN's, I have been Plan A-ing WH out the ying yang. When he is not drinking he acknowledges the positive changes. As a result of good counseling sessions, WH has acknowledged that he has a drinking problem and has cut back dramatically from getting drunk every night to getting drunk 2-3 nights a week.
As you may recall, after 1 D-day and 11 false recoveries, 4 weeks ago, WH and I went through a situation in which our C (also his IC) told him that he had to make a choice between me and OW and gave him 24 hours to do so. WH vacilated during that 24-hour period but, eventually, came home and agreed he would cut off contact. For a few weeks, I thought that, indeed, he had. Little by little, I began to see indications that contact was occurring again. Last night, I confirmed that WH has not cut off contact with OW and has a secret IM account set up so that he can communicate with her - I now know why he purchased a system that allows him to remotely access the internet from his pda and is ALWAYS "reading" or "playing with" his pda. He has also been talking to her via phone.
For about a week now, I have felt that my Love Bank was empty and, possibly, even running in "the red." Today, after much thought, I decided that, given our 11 month old son, WH's tenuous work situation, his fragile emotional state (yesterday was his first day back to work after 3 weeks of disability leave for depression) and several other reasons, before I resort to Plan B, I would give it one last chance...Here is the letter I sent....I realize that the first part is a MAJOR MAJOR guilt trip, but on the Meyers Briggs Inventory, WH indicated that he is persuaded more by emotions that reason or principles....thought I'd appeal to him in a way he would understand....For better or worse, here it is:
In an effort to help you relate to the hurt and devastation that I am feeling, last week during our session with Steve, he asked you whether you had ever been cheated on by someone you dated and you said of course you had. That did not adequately help you understand....he needed to add a few more facts...Take the pain you felt when that happened. Imagine that it happened another 10 times or so....you are now raw. You are afraid to get involved with anyone because you don't want to be hurt again. So, in order to avoid being relegated to that position involuntarily, you accept that always being "second choice" must just be your lot in life. That too causes you pain....every relationship you have always ends us with your being "second choice..."
Then, you finally meet the person for whom you have been waiting all your life - your soulmate, the love of your life, the person who makes all of the others pale in comparison. All the pain and heartache you went through searching for that person now somehow seems worth it. Then, your happiness is multiplied a 100 fold when that person tells you that they want to spend the rest of their life with you and only you. You are happier than you have ever been in your life...Joy of joys, your happiness increases a 1000 fold when you discover that you and that person are going to have a child. Then, it multiplies 10,000 fold when that child is born....he is the light of your lives.
All of this to be followed by the heartache of hearing the person you love beyond all else telling someone else that they love them and can't wait to hold them and kiss them and make love to them....the heartache of having that person tell you, not once, but 11 times, that they are so sorry and will cut off all contact with that other person, only to find out that the contact is not cut off. Each time is a new and devastating event. Add on top of that the picture that keeps replaying in your mind - over and over and over - your beloved making love to someone else. Even worse, on many, many occasions you are told by this person you love so deeply that they are in love with someone else. Now, multiply that by 1,000,000 fold and you will begin to understand that paralyzing pain I am in by your continued secrecy and contact with OW. Your drinking and, then taking it out on me (emotionally), compounds the problem even worse.
I may not have been the best wife there is and I know that I certainly have my faults, many of which have contributed to your seeking satisfaction of your emotional needs from someone else. I am very sorry for my past behavior and am trying desperately to change and not be controlling and not "mother" you and let you lead your life the way you want - within limits, limits that do you infringe on my boundaries that I have a right to set and expect to be respected.
Once and for all, I am asking that you send - in writing, the following letter to OW, with a copy to me. After that, I ask that you "come clean" on all of your secret accounts, passwords, etc. and start making sincere efforts to work on our marriage:
OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and son, I have come to realize that I must never have any contact with you ever again. My relationship with you was a selfish and cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. She is trying very hard to hold our marriage together and to improve our relationship, while I have done nothing but undermine her efforts. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she’s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, (Note: notice it does NOT say "love")
WH
If you cannot do this and do it sincerely, please find some place else to live and begin proceedings to divorce me. I cannot go on living with the heartache of knowing you are still pursuing OW - so long as you are in contact with her, it says to me that you are not sincere about me and our relationship.
Well, there it is.....
Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-11 months today!
Status: See above....
