Hi all,
Currently I am involved in helping an drug addict, 10 years of addiction. I came across a subject of enabling in drug/alcohol problem. If you subtitute the word of drug/alcohol with OP ... this links might help you to deal with WS. My WW definitly addicted to OM. This is not one case fix all ... just to see if your behavior is enabling & also IMHO it is best use for WS that is addicted to OP. I know Orchid probably love to have this links many months ago.

What is enabling ?
Are you an enabler ?
Enabler Behavior
STOOOOPPPP IT

-RH-

Ok RedHat,

THESE LINKS ARE GREAT!!!

I need to post some of this stuff. You can go to the links to read more but listen to this stuff. Yes, I used to think the WS was on drugs. WAT talked about being abducted by the alien ship.

READ THIS:

<strong>MEANING WELL: THE ORIGINS OF ENABLING
We often begin enabling in an attempt to be kind and helpful. For example, we may wake someone so they are not late to work. By doing so, we help them avoid the consequences of oversleeping because they were using or drinking late into the night before. We loan addicts money, often over and over again, and we are surprised when they use it to buy more drugs or alcohol.

Enablers may have their own system of denial that is fed by the lies and deceptions addicts use to cover up their using.

THE EFFECTS OF ENABLING
As enabling behaviors become routine, we end up feeling frustrated, ineffectual, and angry. Often, we continue to enable because we don't want to appear mean or unreasonable. Enabling behaviors directly and indirectly support the vicious cycle of never-ending problems and pain of addiction. When we stop enabling, when we stop helping and covering up for the addict, we allow the addict to experience the consequences of their out-of-control behavior. We no longer wake them up, loan them money, or bail them out of jail. We stop shielding them from the consequences of their behaviors. </strong>

<strong>ENABLING IS SELF-DEFEATING
When we begin enabling, we often believe we are being helpful. When we find that our efforts are ineffective and the problems continue and become more pronounced, we feel frustrated, resentful, and angry. As the disease and our enabling progresses , our initial discomfort becomes intensified with feelings that can include anger, rage, hostility, sadness, and distrust. Sometimes we become totally numb rather than experience the pain, or we become overly active to avoid feeling. Our focus becomes more and more centered on supporting and protecting the chemically dependent individual and less centered less on our own needs. We often feel hopeless, defeated, and depressed. This cycle of problems feeding problems continues until we seek help.

ADDRESSING ENABLING
To regain a sense of themselves and to break the cycle in which they become trapped, enablers must learn to focus on their personal rights and needs. They must allow the addicted individual to feel the consequences of their own behavior. As enablers stop protecting the addict, they begins to feel the consequences of their addiction, and may become very angry. At first, this can be frightening, but as we learn that we are not responsible for the addict's problems, we feel strength and pride in ourselves. We may also feel sad to see the addict having to live with the consequences of their addiction. </strong>

<strong>EXAMPLES OF ENABLING
Examples of enabling behaviors include:

Making excuses for the addict/alcoholic (calling the alcoholic's boss to say they are sick with the flu, when they are really hung over, or referring to your teenager's drug use as 'just a phase')
Paying their bills
Bailing them out of jail
Making rationalizations for their irresponsible behaviors
Ignoring the problems caused by the addict's use ( financial, employment, legal)
Cleaning up their messes
Accepting their excuses or believing their lies
Not discussing the problem of their chemical use
Not getting help for yourself
As addicts/alcoholics are rescued from the consequences of their using and drinking, they learn to rely on their enablers to continue their addiction.

Enabling behaviors can be changed, and recovery is possible even if the chemically dependent person does not seek help. </strong>

<strong>HOW TO CHANGE ENABLING BEHAVIOR
When we begin to identify and change our behaviors, they don't just disappear all at once. Recovery and changing takes time and practice, practice, practice. With this in mind, we can look at some examples of changing enabling behaviors.

Stop making excuses to others for situations or problems that are caused by the drinking and using of the alcoholic or addict. Do not phone the employer to excuse him/her from work. Do not make up stories to others about why the addict/alcoholic was unable to keep obligations such as showing up for the family reunion or missing your 10-year-old daughter's dance recital.
Refuse to lie.
If the chemically dependent person makes a mess, such as being physically ill or tearing up the living room, do not clean it up. Allow them to see the damage and result of their actions.
Do not bail them out of jail.
Do not pay bills you are not responsible for in areas that do not affect your safety or basic well being. Do not pay for the new TV he/she purchased. Do pay your phone and electric bill.
Do not continue useless arguments. Go to a movie, take a walk, read a good book, or go to a support group meeting.
Do not make threats you are not 100% willing to back up with appropriate actions. Example: I'm leaving and you'll never see me or the kids again!
If safe and appropriate, discuss your concern with the person in a non-emotional way.
Find a support system. ........ </strong>

GOOD STUFF!

L.

Yeap ... the first thing that jump up on my mind is your situation. I would have to do this to my WW too if she would have not plan B'ng me. -RH-

Hey RH,

Watcha doin' up sooo late!!?!?!?!? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How are you doing?

This stuff jumps out at me. I am a giver by nature and being an enabler seems to come naturally!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Dangerous combination during an A. Makes it even harder to see the forest for the trees because of that inborn desire to 'fix it'. Do I blame my mother for this trait?!?!? Well both my parents are givers. Yet never, never did I ever think that helping others determental to me like this!

The options to fix are good to know. Tough love is almost a requirement in these situations. Plan A has its value but plan B has its accomplishments. In my case, plan B was a necessity.

Thanks for thinking of me!!!

take care,
L.

This is late ... I am an night owl. LOL !!!. This is my second week going back to work after 6 weeks off. I am fine, thanks for asking. I plan to organize get together ... I will give you a call. -RH-

Hey all you MBers...... U gotta read this stuff!

L.

Hello Redhat and Orchid,

I agree with all this. I believe my WW was/is addicted to the fantasy. In plan-A, I felt I was enabling the addiction - paying her cellphone, watching the children while she roamed freely, not discussing the problem, etc.

Now that we are separated, I have to leave WW to find her own way. Her bills are piling up. Since I have been the bread winner for the whole of our M, WW never had to deal with the R word. Responsibility. By her own admission, it is not fun. Sure I do what I am 'legally required' to and more, but its never enough.

I can't say I would like to see my W hit rock bottom, but I believe it is inevitable.

HAVE_2_B_PaTiEnT,

Yeap ... when you have done all you can with plan A and A still continues in your face. You have to start looking into either going into plan B or stop being an enabler ... staying in plan A will be similiar living under chinese water torture.

-rh-

This is good stuff!

I'm finally making the connection in my case and why SH has strongly suggested that I file for D.

I have been "enabling" my WW for almost two years. I think a lot of people, myself included, confuse Plan A with the act of enabling.

My WW has controlled the family living arrangements since all this started and she will let it go on forever if I would let her. I've become predictable and have put her needs before myself and my kids. I need to change that pattern.

Stay tuned... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

RH -
These are great! I feel that way since my H never has to deal with his bills. He kept me living in an illusion of I'm coming home up until I found out about his A last week. I wonder what will happen when he has to face the music! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Always Hopeful,

SH told me not to do anything w/ my WW's plan B'ng me and stop my plan A. She filed right after she starts plan B'ng me. SH told me that not even to contest my Dv or use a delay tactic. Yes, pain is given but misery is optional.

-rh-

RH-

Forgive me for not knowing this. But how did it turn out for you?

I definitely relate to this stuff. My STBXH is an addict/alcoholic as well as being "addicted" to the OW.

After 2 years of trying everything to reconcile - he was agreeing to reconciliation, going to counseling with me, etc., but continuing to live with the OW - I finally gave him an ultimatum: me and sobriety (in my case, sobriety first was a necessity because he is very verbally abusive as well as a liar when using) or OW and drugs and alcohol.

He chose not to choose and so that was it. He probably would have gone along with the status quo forever - me during the day and OW at night - if I hadn't ended it.

Since I last saw him 4-5 months ago, he's continued to harass me by phone and e-mail - so I finally changed my phone #, cell #, and e-mail address.

His life has gone steadily downhill. He and OW have been evicted from every place they've lived for the last 2 years (most recent place after only one month). He has criminal charges pending against him, his professional license is under investigation, he hasn't worked in two years (we own a business so he gets a regular check from the business), he's estranged from his family and all his old friends, his health has deteriorated.

His son, my stepson, is in jail, also drug related, facing years in prison. My STBXH and his 1st wife are furious at me for refusing to hire him a lawyer (I've bailed him out many times in the past) but aren't willing to spend their own money. I am no longer willing to enable him and hope that he will get the help he needs away from his family and away from drugs.

This is the harsh reality of addiction and codependency. It is destroying the man I married and the child I raised for the past 20 years and without the help of Al-Anon, MB, and counseling, it was destroying me.

I am now in "recovery," still mourning the end of my marriage, but moving on with my life - running our business alone, making new friends, working on divorce, dating again... As redhat said, pain is given but misery is optional.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Always Hopeful:
<strong>RH-

Forgive me for not knowing this. But how did it turn out for you?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No problem. She plan B'ng me and I refuse to be the enabler. She still in la la land, she bought a house and start bringing OM around my 2 D. She told my 2 D that she is dating this guy (OM) and when my 2 D asked her about dad ... she said that she has been divorce from me long time ago ?????. That is an example of a very thick fog ... my 2 D know very well that I pushed for change of status since I can't take it & Dv is not finalized yet ...

You see this type of WS you either have to be enabler forever (in plan A) and hope OP LB'ed ... or run for the hill and wait until WS hits rock bottom. I end my plan A and let her plan B'ng takes over. My decision is supported by SH since her OM is very skillfull ... I could be waiting forever.

I am glad I did this ... I have no more panic attack ... no more tears for her and no more feeling at all. I could sit across the table and look at her in her eyes and I would not feel anything. She managed to drain the deep love that I have for her. I don't even to waste my anger ... I am completely ready to move on. I want to finalize my Dv asap ... at least change of status !. My M is at the point of no return but thanks to MB ... I am ready to give my best and shower my next lover w/ sea of love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .
-rh-

LetSTry,
My heart goes for you ... addiction & codependent are a lethal mix. I am glad you choose to run for the hill. Not all M worth the cost of saving them. Addiction will suck love&care&life around them ... feeding them in codependency relationship is very lethal circle. You will be fine and stronger w/ time and you know you will find someone that will cherish, protect & care about you. First step is recognize it then we need to learn to love&care ourself ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-RH-

Harley says that one cannot Plan A indefinitely. After some period of time the WS begins to accept the life style of have an affair and having the BS Plan A’ing like crazy. Let’s face it, if it could go on forever it would be the perfect world for a ‘cakeman’ type WS.

Yes in that situation the BS starts enabling the WS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>...thanks to MB ... I am ready to give my best and shower my next lover w/ sea of love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">& what a lucky lady she will be! You sound like you are doing fine and you're making it through all this and so are your kids, redhat! I'm glad to hear it! God bless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RedHat,

Help, i tried to click on these links, but it didn't work. Could you tell me where to find this information. Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by notagain2002:
<strong>RedHat,

Help, i tried to click on these links, but it didn't work. Could you tell me where to find this information. Thanks</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got it from a website www.egetgoing.com .. goto frequently questions ... information about drug & alcohol ...

Let me know if you still could not find it. I could email you the whole text.

BINthereDUNthat - thanks, I could not wait to find that lady ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-RH-

Bump!!!! Everyone, please read this!!!

L.