Well I did it folks. I set my husband's mail up so that all messages in and out are saved and I can go into his mail and check them even tho he deleted them after he sent or read them. He changed his password after he opened his mail to me but I figured it out and was able to get into his mail from my office. On Tuesday I found a card he sent to the OW and an email to her son (he didn't know I knew the son's email address). I confronted him with the knowledge of knowing what he sent to her and he was dumbfounded. He begged me for another chance, swore it was just a nice card (a friend thing)and he would break off all communication with her. Then I asked him about the other message to the son and without hesitation he claimed the son was just a guy he chatted with on the internet. Busted! I told him I happened to know her son's name and the email address was similar to hers and then he confessed. I guess what bothered me the most was he lied so easily without skipping a beat. He had the OW e-mail me to tell me he told her "no more communication, whatsoever" between them and everything was over.<P>OK, like a blithering fool I accepted that as proof he was serious about keeping our marriage alive and we had 3 good days. Then on Saturday I couldn't resist and looked in his mail again and found not only did he email a joke to her but found a message from one of his friends asking how "he and the OW were doing". So, now I am totally embarrased that people from his work know about the relationship and it makes me feel like the biggest fool in the world. Sorry this is so long folks but I really need to get it all out.<P>He's begging me for "one more chance" for about the 4th time in 2 months and I'm just drained. Something died in me when I found those last two emails after he went to the trouble of having her verify he told her everything was over and I don't feel like I want to give him any more chances. My heart feels empty and I am thinking the trust can never be repaired no matter what he does so why should we stay in this marriage. He has suggested we separate for 6 months and see if we can both think straight and be sure this is what we want before we get a divorce. Should we do this? At this point I just want it over with and get on with my life. The love I felt a few days ago just doesn't seem to be there any more. <BR>

xinlaw....<P>Sorry you are going through this and that your H is not being honest with you. No, I don't think that you should separate. Usually, the betrayer says this just so that he/she can get away to be with the OP.<P>Try to avoid LB...but I still think that for your benefit, to still monitor his e-mails. I know that this could be a LB too, but maybe necessary until you can trust that he won't be in contact with OW anymore.<P>After all, if he really is sincerely honest about working on your marriage, there shouldn't be anything to hide....such as e-mails...<P>Talk to him about this and maybe with his enthusiastic agreement and knowledge, he will freely allow you to monitor his e-mails to prove that he has nothing to hide. This on his part, will be a step towards proving that you can trust him.<P>My therapist once told me that sometimes this is necessary until some level of trust is recovered. So that's what we did....accountablity. It helped in my situation. Slowly, trust is again being restored in my marriage.<P>Good luck in whatever you decide to do...<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited September 13, 1999).]

I discovered H's brief affair I think when he was ending it, January 8th. He was remorseful, promiced no communication, etc...<P>Jump ahead to now and we are nicely into recovery and are doing better than ever. Do not believe anything is going on at all or that H has any desire to cheat or even has any fond feelings for her.<P>BUT for 8 weeks after discovery they had quite a bit of phone contact going. I really don't think they saw each other again, but couldn't seem to just stop all contact cold turkey. Of course I didn't know this during the 8 weeks. I found a phone card in early March and confronted. He said he hadn't talked to her in a week and was ready to break all contact. I think they did, but I think it had little to do with my discovery.<P>So I know it stinks, but it may be not a true measure of future recovery.<P>Best of luck.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

xinlaw, could you please tell me which program it is. I think I really need it.

Ma,<BR> If you have AOL go to Preferences and click on mail and make sure everything is checked to save and it saves all incoming and outgoing mail in your Files "My Files". There is a program called Sesame you can download also. Good luck! Be careful and don't let him know how you did it.

I'm confused. Isn't this what is refered to as "love busting"? I can understand doing it, if you are suspicious, but why not just tell him that you are checking up on his email activities?. Sometimes it seems like the betrayed are hoping that they'll catch the betrayer messing up. Isn't the reason you're here (on this board) to build your marriage? What good is spying going to do at this point? You already know that he's not trustworthy. What if you're suspicions are wrong and he finds out that you are trying to catch him in the act? Where will that get you? I just don't see where this can lead to anything good. I like NoTrusts advice. Read his mail if you must, but do it with his consent. If he fights you, what more proof do you need? You'll score a whole lot more points this way, than by being sneaky.

Sorina and everyone else...<P>Some people will NEVER be truthful until they ARE caught out... they dont realise the pain they are causing until it has been exposed.... and even then some deny it.<P>xinlaw... some advice for you. Of course your H is going to tell you its over, of course he is going to ask for another chance for the 4th time... and he will keep doing it while cheating on you...<P>Why?<P>Because has has no "consequences" to his actions. In his mind he sees "cheat,get caught, told off, ask for chance, get it... repeat". He has done the worst thing imaginable and hasn't seen anything BAD happen to HIM as a result so why would he change his behavior?<P>I think this is the true power behind Plan B... because it actually MAKES the betrayer realise their actions have caused changes.... the trouble with it is if they consider the change bad or not... if they are thinking the breakdown of your marriage isn't such a bad thing then it wont work... if however they truely WANT the marriage (selfish reasons or not) then making it obvious they have LOST something as a result of their actions is the first step to them actually stopping it.<P>Why would ANYONE stop doing something when they haven't suffered any fallout from doing it? Its crazy, nobody in this world stops for the sake of stopping, we are all about pros and cons, good and bad... as long as it is good they do it... ONLY when the bad outweighs the good do they change.<P>I think snooping is the ONLY way to make them honest and some kind of repercussions for their action the only way to truely make a difference.

Hmmm, Lost Soul. I really disagree. You (Xinlaw) already have the proof that he isn't honest. To be a snoop just gives him ammunition in his mind to use against you. Even though you might be well with in your rights to spy on him. don't think that he's going to accept it and take the responsibility that he brought this on himself. He'll just see it as one more way that he's being controlled, or what ever else he uses in his mind to justify his actions. I agree that he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions, but he will hang himself eventualy. You don't need to go looking for evidence. I really believe that to do so would only damge you more, it will only hurt you. Why would you even want to read what he writes to her. That has to be the worse torture imaginable. This is all my opinion of course. What ever you decide to do, I hope that it works to your benefit.

Sorina...<P>Obviously we have a difference of opinion here... thats fine <P>The thing is... that if this person is one who would use it as "ammunition" then they are NOT people worth being with anyway.. because this means they have no remorse for their actions nor any care for their partner.<P>I would MUCH rather know that the person is NOT remorseful and is upset when they find out about the snooping... it tells me they dont care and I can leave knowing it was over before I even started. If they turn VERY remorseful when found out then you know they DO care and its something to build on.<P>The alternative you suggest is to just let it happen, ignore what is happening, dont read anything that happened and blindly accept when they tell you the truth... that is a very submissive way to be and I am SURE a cheating partner will pick up on this very quickly and STILL use it to walk all over you.<P>You are quick to say you disagree but you DONT offer a better solution...<P>How would YOU build trust again?<P>Simply trust them? If so and they cheat AGAIN... what do you to then? Trust them more? Forgive them? Forget about it? Shut it out?<P>Please... I am interested in your answers to this...<P>I find it disturbing that you would say "he will hang himself eventually"... because it gives me the impression he can go on doing what he is doing for however long he is SMART enough to be careful... Are you willing to sit there and LET him have an affair knowing that sometime in the next 2-3 years he will be caught out... isn't that naive?

Lost Soul & Sorina,<BR> You both have some very good points and I agree with some & disagree with some. I didn't mean to start any arguments with my post. I believe what works for one doesn't necessarily work for others. He will hang himself eventually but I prefer not to be made a fool of any longer than is necessary. Yes, my snooping will hurt me when I find what I'm looking for but I am prepared for the hurt. I would rather be hurt by finding the truth then spending months or years blindly believing in him and finding out I was a fool. I believed totally in everything he told me for almost 14 years and see what it got me? Don't want that to ever happen to me again. I've come to the conclusion that the only way to make him see what he is giving up is for a separation to take place with no contact whatsoever between us. As long as we are still together in the same house he gets all the advantages of being married but doesn't have to commit emotionally and that's all I want from him is love. If we separated I would not come back until I was sure I had his love again. Does that make sense or have I really gone off the deep end?<p>[This message has been edited by xinlaw (edited September 14, 1999).]