I figured out what H's problem is, but I can't come up with any solution that he will agree to. Maybe you guys can help me come up with some kind of solution. H says it's unfair that I have no restrictions on me for what I've done but he has restrictions on him for what he's done.

Okay, I take that as he either wants me to have restrictions or he wants his gone (no private e-mail, no chat rooms, snooping through his stuff-I have stopped the last one). I told H that those were the only solutions I could come up with and H won't agree to either because he said neither one will work. H feels that it is very unfair though and I have no clue what other solutions to offer (not at least right now in my upset state). Can you all help me out on this?????

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: dumplin ]</small>

Dumplin,

RE: “I have no restrictions on me for what I've done”

What have you done? Did I miss something?

RE: “no private e-mail, no chat rooms, snooping through his stuff-I have stopped the last one”

If he does not agree to any of that, then he is saying that he does not agree to protect you and earn back his trust. Always look at a person’s actions. His words of protest are just that.. words, a smoke screen.

On the other hand I feel that what he ( and you ) are calling restrictions should be instead a life style that you both follow. Everything that you ask of him you should do too. I have done that with my H. I stay out of chat rooms (actually I hate and fear them as much as he does now). We have no private emails accounts. We have different accounts for different purposes, but we share the passwords with each other. We have no privacy in our marriage are per MB rule of radical honesty. I always tell STL when I snoop, but I do it freely. My standard way of telling him (because doing it embarrasses me) is that well you know how I am when I get paranoid. I went looking. He usually hugs me and says that’s ok, what ever you need to make you feel better. Then there are times when he’ll just sit at my computer and go through things.. ‘Cleaning it up’. We have nothing to hide from each other.

Remember that while it’s obvious that the WS has to earn back the BS’s trust. It is also true that the WS has to learn to trust the BS. The BS has a lot of power to hurt the WS, to constantly punish them… they committed a terrible sin. The BS is faultless. The BS has to ensure the WS that they will never use the things that they are to hurt the WS. Why would they share and cooperate if they feel that they are going to be hurt, humiliated, etc?

His biggest thing is while we were separated and I lived with my mother I had an A. I regret what I've done and it's been almost two years, but he keeps saying that I get to go to mother's town whenever I want with no restrictions and this guy lives in the same town-within a mile of my mother's house.

I've also majorly screwed up our checking account in the past. Blowing money, bouncing checks, not paying bills on time, etc.

I told him last night that any restrictions he thought were coming from me were gone; he could do what he wanted with that information--get a private e-mail account, go into chat rooms (by the way I hate them too) or whatever. I said that he was an adult and had to make his own decisions; I had the right to decide if I could live with his decisions though. He said he doesn't want the e-mail and chat but doesn't want to feel like he can't because I told him he couldn't. I told him the only restrictions he had were the ones he placed on himself; I would just have to make my decisions based on how I felt about his decisions. I left it at that.

H said he's going to start posting here (we'll see) because everyone is only getting my side of things and thinking he's the bad guy.

I've had 2 hours of sleep so I'm going to go for now.