<small>[ November 01, 2002, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: SheGo4th ]</small>

Dear Shego4th,

Coincidentally, I am very familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My wife of almost 15 years has been diagnosed with this disorder by two counselors. This disorder is very very rare in women, but it does occur. I would say that neither you, nor your mom is likely to be qualified to diagnose this, but it is possible.

Unfortunately, Narcissism does change all the rules. The narcissist honestly does not understand that other people have their own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Whatever emotion the narcissist is feeling, he honestly believes that everyone else is also feeling the same. He is constantly seeking a source of narcissistic supply. When he finds one, he treats it with contempt, unless it seems to be slipping away. If the narcissist perceives that that his narcissistic source is leaving, he will treat it with the utmost kindness, until he senses that he has it in his grasp once again. Please realize that that narcissist does not see his source of narcissistic supply as a person, but only as an "it."

Most people will respond to kind treatment with a desire to reciprocate, however, the narcissist will only respond by saying that he should always be treated with kindness, adoration, and deference. He will also say that his source of supply should be grateful that he is willing to accept the adulations.

Any kind of counseling or psychotherapy is unlikely to be effective. First, the narcissist will probably never admit to having a problem. Second, most counseling and therapy focuses on building up the client's self-esteem, which the narcissist already has in abundance. It takes a very astute and intelligent counselor to recognize a narcissist, and a very brave one to confront a narcissist. Unfortunately, when confronted, the narcissist is likely to run off to find his next source of narcissistic supply.

On the other hand, the spouse or children of a narcissist are very likely to seek therapy, usually for depression. The person who lives with a narcissist may constantly question his/her own sanity, after hearing the narcissist's constant contradictions and accusations of always being the source of the problem. Unless the counselor is very very wise, he will wind up only treating the narcissist's victims. After all, it is much easier to treat people who will admit to some mistakes, in contrast to the narcissist who will never admit to being less than perfect.

Anyway, I don't know if this has helped, but I just wanted to let you know that I do understand your situation. I would like to give you a direct quote from my wife to see if it sounds familiar,

"I want you to love me unconditionally and never ask me to do anything different ever again, and I intend to do the exact opposite of everything you want. Also, if there is something about me that bothers you, keep it to yourself because I don't want to hear about it. If I ever ask you how you feel about me, and it is not positive, just lie."

Everything I have read or heard has said that if a person finds him/herself involved with a narcissist, he/she should run as fast as possible and never look back. Unfortunately, I have two young daughters, and I have to stay with them to protect them until they are grown. However, your mom is not in that situation. On the positive side, the literature I have read says that there is a small window of opportunity where a narcissist can be helped. This window only occurs for a short time after a major narcissistic injury, such as the death or divorce of a primary narcissistic source.

My prayers are with you and your mom.

My mother-in-law is narcissitic. I have no idea if she has ever been professionally diagnosed or sought counseling, but, I have done enough research on her to know that she definitly is. She is unreal. She truly thinks she is royalty. Sometimes I have had to sit there holding my jaw up to keep it from dropping from stuff she has said. Most of the family pretty much bows to her...she uses her money to keep them as her pets. Unfortunately for me, I was never one to be impressed by money or to jump through hoops for anyone. Not only that, she despises me because, in her tainted eyes, I am major competition for her...her baby boy showered her with attention and affection and she sees me as the enemy, taking him away from her. I did all I could to show her I was not in any way doing that, but, in dealing with a person like this, there is no reasoning with them. They are HORRIBLE. And they truly do not see any error in their thinking. She was extremely abusive toward me for many years, saying/doing horrible things to me. I now do not allow her anywhere near me.

My mother-in-law is narcissitic. I have no idea if she has ever been professionally diagnosed or sought counseling, but, I have done enough research on her to know that she definitly is. She is unreal. She truly thinks she is royalty. Sometimes I have had to sit there holding my jaw up to keep it from dropping from stuff she has said. Most of the family pretty much bows to her...she uses her money to keep them as her pets. Unfortunately for me, I was never one to be impressed by money or to jump through hoops for anyone. Not only that, she despises me because, in her tainted eyes, I am major competition for her...her baby boy showered her with attention and affection and she sees me as the enemy, taking him away from her. I did all I could to show her I was not in any way doing that, but, in dealing with a person like this, there is no reasoning with them. They are HORRIBLE. And they truly do not see any error in their thinking. She was extremely abusive toward me for many years, saying/doing horrible things to me. I now do not allow her anywhere near me.