posted September 18, 2002 11:52 AM
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I have been married 8 yrs. Into the 4th year I ran into the guy I was dating and "dumped" for my husband. We started hanging out and quickly became close - not making husband very happy. So problems for next 4 years. I hangin out with my friends, he had a couple visits with this one girl. No infidelities other than kisses. We eventually decide to seperate and on day he goes out on date and I freaked out, decided I wanted him here with me, not with girl. We get back together. I still hang out with my friend, he works with his, so no choice but not too, but on a work level. Then one day he goes to a happy hour thing at 4pm and does not return until 11am next day. I have not slept and he does not answer his phone all night. Calls at 7am says he'll be home in an hour, but doesnt until 11 almost 12. I wasnt home when he got there. He had snooped in my journal, He does this, and discovered some of my feelings, rather than talk to me about it he turned to this girl. We have since talked and decided to do all possible to make us work, we are great friends and have 2 kids, but I cannot get past this girl. My friend has moved out of state and I dont go out. He says he hasn't talked to her altho he will have to because she works for him. I have resorted to snooping, which I hate, and have discovered phone calls btwn them, altho only work I want him to be honest and tell me - he says he is afraid of an arguement. What is worse, an arguement or me finding out secretly and not trusting him - so we are vowing to be completely honest. So in my snooping before this conversation I find he has been invited to a party, she is hosting. He declines the invitation, but has not told me about it. I have been giving him every opportunity to tell me about it (1 week) party is tomorrow. We have had conversations about being around each other for me to be more comfortable, he is afraid of how I will react, he still should have told me about the party, no? I will confront him tommorrow right before. I was waiting to see if he creates an excuse and sneeks off to the party or if he is just avoiding it to avoid trouble. Trouble is not mentioning it I think. Am distrought. Ooops, I posted this as a poll before. Sorry. Am brand new here, haven't figured out how this works yet.

justdana,

Welcome to MARRIAGEBUILDERS justdana. I'm glad you decided to join us, although sorry you have the need to be here.

Please be sure you read all parts of this site, especially the General Welcome in the JUST FOUND OUT forum. It'll help you understand alittle of what goes on in the forums and some brief explainations of advice you will be receiving. Thers's also a list of suggested books that will be very beneficial in understanding the dynamics involved with affairs and recovery.

Have you and your H been involved with any counseling since deciding to rebuild? You're going to have to find a way to sit down and discuss your relationship with your H and it's sometimes easier to do with an unbiased third party. There is phone counseling available through this site with the Harley's and I hear it's excellent.

Yes, your H "should have" told you about the party. Yes, IF he plans on attending it should be WITH you. However, if he has made his intentions of no further contact with this woman perfectly clear, he shouldn't have received an invitation at all.

Recovery is alot of work justdana but so well worth it when it's successful. And it can be. Read, read, read. And post and ask questions. And if you don't get alot of responses,,,,post again!!