Yesterday, I posted about how I had confirmed that WH was still in regular, consistent contact with OW despite his assurances to me and our MC/his IC that he had cut off all contact. In response, I sent him an e-mail trying to put my hurt in terms that he would understand and to which he could relate. I then gave him the text for a NC letter for him to send to OW. I concluded the e-mail by saying:

If you cannot do this and do it sincerely, please find some place else to live and begin proceedings to divorce me. I cannot go on living with the heartache of knowing you are still pursuing OW - so long as you are in contact with her, it says to me that you are not sincere about me and our relationship.

He did not respond to that e-mail, but did agree via e-mail to pick up or son so that I could have time to myself because I was hurting. He also sent nice messages asking if there was anything he could do at home to help. I thought, "Good, I might have gotten through to him." WRONG.

Got home and he was drinking a beer, but was very nice and solicitous. After about 1/2 hour, he said he wanted to go out and get something to eat (fast food) and would be right back - didn't come back for over an hour. When he did, it was clear he had continued drinking but, still very nice. When it was time for bed, he laid a blanket down on the couch, so I asked him why - he responded that he was "making his bed." I asked him why he was sleeping on the couch and he said, "Because you are mad at me." I told him that I am not mad, I am hurt - there is a BIG difference. We then discussed my e-mail and he, once again, said that OW is not an issue in our M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I replied that, for HIM, she may not be an issue (he always says she was a symptom, not the cause of our problems), but for ME, she is an issue. I asked him why we (really I) should only be working on/addressing those things that are issues for him and not any my issues. Surprise, surprise, no good answer, just WH babble. Then I again restated the last line of my e-mail and said he had to make a decision. His response was that he was not willing to cut off contact with OW or another female "friend" of his who is just too friendly with him (I truly think - gut feeling - there is something going on between them, I just haven't found any concrete proof).

I went on to say, well, then he would have to move out and file for divorce. He said he was not going to move out because it is his house, too. I said fine, then our son, our 2 100 pound dogs and I would move into an apartment, but he would have to make the mortgage payment, utilities (electric, gas, phone, Direct TV), his truck and insurance payments because I would be incurring the same for an apartment and could not afford to make both payments. (All of these things combined exceed his monthly income). His response was that I make more money than him, so I should continue making all the payments (including my SUV and insurance). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I responded that I could not pay for those things twice - house and apartment. He then said that son and I should not move out. I said I agreed, so when would he be leaving. He said he was not going to leave either. I said fine, then son and I are - same thing two additional times. Finally, he said he would move out by Sunday. Since then, he has not done his usual next day, sober routine of calling and apologizing and asking to come home. He is now at his C's, though, so I may hear something different this afternoon - C and spoke yesterday in his role as our MC and C said that he and WH WOULD be discussing how OW and his drinking are destroying our marriage more so than anything I have done.

I AM VERY OKAY WITH HIS LEAVING if that is what he chooses. I think I am ready to move on. I want to get off this roller coaster.

I am now off to see my IC, who is our MC and his IC's wife - they are in practice together.

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-11 months
Status: Very likely heading over to the Divorced/Divorcing Board.

His re

<small>[ September 19, 2002, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: Brit's Brat ]</small>

Hey BB,
Sorry for the turn of events - but nevertheless I think there's room for hope. Your WH is still a slave of his double addiction and hence not in a normal state. I think it's an excellent idea of you to press him to a decision, that he clearly sees 2 options in front of him. Well done - it needs courage, I know.
On the other hand, I wouldn&#8217;t make option B the 'Divorce' one. That's maybe a bit too quick and you're not giving him any chance. Rather, why don&#8217;t you separate and plan B? I mean, even if the end result is going to be a Divorce, the process would be similar but at the same time you give him a chance.
Cheers
N

Brit's Brat, I am so sorry ... ((((BB))))

I had a terrible feeling he would not meet an ultimatum.. he is in the grips of his addiction.

The ultimatum may be the may to get him to wise up and shape up... I hope so, with time.

I know how hard it is to be a single mom... but you are one strong woman. You will be fine, regardless.

The way he is acting is very unacceptable and it is so typical of the rebellious alcholic. Alcohol and women make him feel better.

Watch the disrespectful judgements.. dont even know if you are doing them.. just for me with the erratic drinking behavior, it is hard not to act and be better than.

I suspect that since you are highly functional, he feels like a loser in comparison. My h and I have these issues... although since going through this rollercoaster.. my highly functional self has turned nuts... you not as much as I! thank goodness, a major back injury and a dependence on him.. during it was a weakness and a MESS!

Anyway, call me tonight if you can .. I should be home around 530 or 6- try the cell if you still have it.

I am saying prayers and thinking of you.

H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi Brit,

Stay strong brit, you have made a decision and can NOT back down now. He will try everything to
let things remain as they are, which amounts too
easy. If he can trivialise things and say you are
mad at him so he's going to sleep on the couch he will. He will be expecting you to feel bad and
back down, hence not calling to apologise today.
He is probably feeling hurt that you could do this too him.

I think you can expect him to dig in his toes, while greasing his butt off! He doesn't want to
stop drinking, thats hard and he enjoys it. He wants you to enable him, to let him keep it up, not make it hard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I would think he will get more and more stubborn and obnoxious as he begins to realise you are serious. Have you threatened this before?? I know I had many times so my threats weren't very scarey.

Hang in there brit, you're going to have to out
wait him on this one. I don't feel qualified to give advise, but I would say you will probably have to go to plan b if he does leave, so he will
realise in time that you are serious, and to give him a chance to miss all the comforts of home and
family. Be prepared for the fact that he is probably going to act very carefree and unworried about the whole deal. Probably will appear to be having a great ol time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> This acheives 2 things,
makes you feel like sh*t and puts you on the defensive, like omg he is having fun without me and I still have to go to work look after the kids..) He's going to bluff you big time! You have to outbluff!
Anyway brit, you know this man way way way better
than any of us do. My advise may be way off base,
and your h may be nothing like mine, but I have seen these guys in action a few times now and they all seem to think the same, "shes' trying to control me". Hopefully counsilling will help, lots.
Thinking of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey BB;
I was sorry to hear this turn of events, but truly believe you have done the right thing in asking him to leave. He needs to figure thei out for himslef, and it makes no sense for you to be subjected to his "abuse" in the meantime.

Be strong. All my best!

Okay, so here's the update.....Something happened at WH's C session yesterday. Not sure exactly what, but there have been some VERY interesting developments....

When I got to C's office for my session with my IC (remember, my IC is our MC and WH's IC's wife), I saw our MC/WH's IC who told me that he and WH had a "very good" session and that he had given WH some things to discuss with me for us to do. Didnt' say anything else. During my IC session, my IC said that I should have WH move out to put some distance between us so that we stop doing the same old dance. I agreed and told her I was prepared to go one step further - I was ready to end it, period. She urged me to reconsider because she feels that we are too close to it right now and that some physical distance might be just what was needed. Something interesting that she said (take note all of you with multiple D-Days/False Recoveries and a spouse that keeps leaving only to come back the next day or so)- She does not believe that WH wants out of the marriage because he keeps coming back and has never walked out of a MC session even when things were very argumentative. She did add, though, that she did not know what her husband (MC/WH's IC) had advised WH and that whatever he suggested supercedes her and my discussion. I was still feeling like there wa no use in doing any of this because we had done it so many times before, but okay.

When I got home, WH was there instead of at work. My reaction was, "Oh s--t, what why is he home." I just wanted a few hours of peace to myself. Walked in the house to find out the reason WH was home is because DS was sick and had to come home from the sitter's. Apparently, WH had tried to get in touch with me via e-mail, thinking I had gone back to work after my session. When I read the e-mail later in the evening, I was surprised to see the way WH had signed it - "WH (still trying to be a good husband - failing at times, but still trying)."

Anyways, back to what happened...DS was sleeping, so WH and I were able to talk. He told me that he was going to continue working on not drinking, but if that did not improve in the next few weeks or so, our MC/his IC gave him materials for an inpatient facility about 2 hours from here and he would go there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He added, though, that our MC/his IC did not feel WH was at that point yet and should continue in his current efforts to control his drinking and go to AA = 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days). WH did read the materials and seemed very interested. I do have to give WH alot of credit for trying in this regard - he has gone from drinking/getting drunk every day of the week to only 3 times a week. He also agreed to have NC w/ OW, take of/share his passwords to everything, provided that I tell him before I go looking. C feels that will help both of us build trust. WH was very loving and doting last night. Made dinner, played with DS, just overall good. This morning, he put his wedding band on for the first time in MANY weeks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Time will tell where we go from here. For now, I'll keep plugging away.....

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-11 months
Status: Back up the rollercoaster.

wow- can I get your counselor's name? Glad you did well last night.. here rooting for you! H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Honey! Actually, our C's are quite good! They are very reasonable price wise, as well. They charge $90 for an hour session. He is a PhD and she is an RN/MA. The thing that is good about MC/WH's IC is that he is an adult child of alcoholism like WH. If you are serious and want the number, e-mail me off line!

Brit's Brat

Congratulations BB, sounds like things are looking up for you!