I was just wondering if anyone out there that is a FWS lied to the OP about being married? I myself am a FWS and I lied to the OM, he had no idea I was married, he lived 100 miles away so it was easy to hide the truth. He fell in love with the woman I pretended to be, and for that I feel awful. Things ended on a very bad note with me and OM(he found out the truth and was furious, he probably wishes me dead). I don't regret the fact that my A is over. I'm happy that my H has chosen to forgive me and recover our M. I just feel guilty about how much I hurt the OM, I don't like hurting people(yes I know I hurt my H w/my affair <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) But the way I feel is the OM was this innocent, nice guy, that had very good morals who would never even look at a married woman, who thought he found someone he really loved, trusted deeply and could have a future with. When in reality he had been deceived by exactly that a married woman(me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). It makes me feel like I took an overall decent person and demoralized him. I guess I just feel like every once in a while I owe the OM any apology. Something like, "I am sorry that a nice guy like you ever had to deal with my lies and deceit, you deserved more, have a nice life." I would never do it though, I don't want to break the "no contact". I also feel guilty for even feeling empathetic for the OM, because of how committed I am to my M now. I probably shouldn't even care.

Do any of you in this situation ever feel this way? I haven't told my H I feel like this. Because of all the lies I had told him about the A previously, a big part of him thinks that it is still the OM's fault(he is still working on letting me take responsibility for my own actions). I know it will eventually not bother me. But should I tell my H that I feel this way? Would any of you BS's understand if your WS told you this?

DU

definitely unsure,

one of the 4 rules of recovery is radical honesty. You should let H know ... but let it go and never contact OM. If I would be serious w/ a woman, I would check out even before I say "I really like you" ... I would try to meet with her freinds and family ... so OM is not totaly faultless either.

-RH-

My H did this to me. He never told OW #2 he was married. She managed to figure it out on her own & call me up. I did forgive my H for that. As a matter of fact - I was just more hurt it happened than the fact that he lied & said he wasn't married.

I agree with RH also - tell your H and leave the OM be.

Vee

Redhat and Vee,

Thank you for your replies, like I said in my original post I have no intention of contacting OM at all. I was just curious if I am the only FWS that lied to OP and feels bad about it.

Redhat, the OM never met my family(he always asked but, they live out of state so it was not an big issue). He did meet a couple of my friends(if that is what you want to call them), they went along with my lies to him. After my A ended, my H and I discussed these "friends" of mine and how I would feel if his friends had acted the same way if he had an A. We agreed to cut contact with those "friends" too. Now that I'm no longer in the "fog" I don't think a "real friend" would ever support an A. At the time though, I thought those "friends" were great because they were just being supportive of me and what I wanted(regardless of how selfish and wrong it was).

I think I will tell my H how I feel, although sometimes(even though I know the radical honesty rule) I feel like it would be opening a can of worms that could otherwise be thrown away. Is there really a point in telling him if I have no intention of acting on it?(I know I'm gonna hear it for that one) Sometimes there are things you would just rather not know, for example if my H found another woman attractive, but had no intention of every doing anything, I think I would just rather not know. What would be the point? Just my thoughts.

DU

By the way, Vee, do you blame OW#2 for any of the A? Just curious.

DU

Definitely Unsure, my FWH told his ow that we was seperated. He met her while at work, he works over sixty five miles from home so it was easy for him to get away with this.

I found out about the A the day he was ending it. He told her that he was going back to his family. She called our home and told me that he was not going to come back to me. That he was going to stay with her. I think she was very surpised when I told her that we were never seperated.

He started up his A again a week after d-day and I know that she knew at that time he was still living at home. It took five months for the A to finally end and the fog to lift after the first d-day.

I really don't understand why she believed him, I know if it was me I would have wondered why he never gave me a home phone number. Why he never took me to his house or why I never met his family. So I really don't feel too sorry for her if she was hurt because these are question she should have asked before she began a R with him. Maybe I'm old fashion but I know I would never go to bed with someone if I didn't even know his home phone number and the only way I could get in touch with him was via cell phone or pager.

Hello, DU. I am a BS and a WS, so I have both perspectives. I would definitely tell your H how you feel. It might help him with letting you take the responsibility. I still have a problem letting my WW accept responsibility for her A's. I have a problem blaming the OM's completely, especially since OM#1 was a good friend of mine. As for my OW, she knew I was married and didn't care. In fact, pursued me for some time. I finally caved in after finding out about OM#1. *sigh* I think it's ok to feel empathy for OM, if you didn't then I think you should worry. When we stop feeling empathy for others, our soul is truly gone. As much as I blame OM's, I feel very sorry for them also. For my OW also, she was married as well. How very sad their lives must be if they have to resort to this type of behavior to find what they think of as "happiness". Very sad indeed. Hope this helps and good luck on your recovery.

There are people out there that are duped into being the other person. And believe me meeting friends and even family doesnt always matter. Although all of my husbands OW new he was married his friends helped him every chance to live the life he wanted when he wanted. I feel for the other man in this case because he is not truly the "other man" he got played. But if he is the nice guy who would never go there he doesnt need an apology from you. The best thing you could do for him is make your marriage work and let him get on with his life. I know you said you are going to stick with no contact but I wanted to express my views on the subject in case someone else had a similar circumstance and is not as steadfast with NC as you are.

ellyn, madly_truly_deeply, and, ayslyne,

Thank you for your replies, I did tell my H this weekend how I feel, and he took it alot better than I thought he would. I think just getting it out made me feel better, and made me feel like maybe the best advice here was
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The best thing you could do for him is make your marriage work and let him get on with his life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ayslyne, I think you are so right, thanks again for your post.

DU