My H got his first draft of the D papers today. He seems so sure this is what he wants. Is there anyone out there who almost got a D. or did and survived? I need advice. I am still trying though everything I do, except talk about the kids, is a big LB to him. He doesn't want to talk any relationship talk, nothing, never really has, but more so now that OW is here.

What do I do? I am trying to move forward, I still want to reconcile but I see it slipping away. How can I plan A, B or anything when he is 1000 miles away in distance and heart? He seems so sure about the D. So confident it is the right thing. So confident in what he wants in the settlement. He is also being nice about everything pretty much, although he diagrees on money issues. Is this a bad sign, that he just wants it to get over with as quickly and easily as possible?

I know I can't change his mind but I wonder, is there still hope out there?

PLease advise,
Sharon

Ute,
My situation at the point of the divorce being in the process was a lot different than yours. I had done the first Plan A, then when I served D papers, my H did Plan A and I didn't follow through.

I guess the only thing I can tell you for sure, is that the future does not always play out as we think or dread or even wish it will.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Ute}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks Lor,

I know it just hurts so bad that I'm not even worth a try. Oh he says he tried to convince himself it could work, but always had a gut feeling I would never be happy and he would never be happy. How can he know he was only home for 3 weekends after D-Day. And he admits he put up a wall between us when he was here. So how can he know? Know with such assuredness that he is willing to give up on everything? It gnaws at me. I know I can't change it or him but I keep thinking I am getting better then everything crashes down again. I can understand that he may never come back, that I will be okay, etc. etc. but why doesn't it help?

Thanks for the hugs.
Love
Sharon

Let him handle filing etc- but PROTECT yourself, see a lawyer if you haven't already. Part of the consequences of the divorce for the WS are financial. You can't make him stay, you can't make him try. But you can nicely say, I love you, I don't want a divorce, but you must meet your financial and parental obligations as required by law. The following is what I will need.

SEE A LAWYER ASAP! The WS will try to craft his agreement to favor himself- to get out of the marriage with as few consequences as possible. They often imagine themselves walking away, staying friends with the BS at their convenience, parenting at their convenience etc. In their fog, they do not imagine the price they will have to pay.

PS Don't give up- it's very early yet. He hasn't really experienced the relationship with OW- this needs time. I doubt it will work out.

Continue to Plan A. Don't relationship talk- but try to draw him back into the connection. Call to discuss kid stuff. Try to connect on whatever non threatening level you can. Stuff you have in common- extended family, hobbies, etc. He may push you away. Reverse babble- for example, if he accuses you of trying to suck him back in, say "No, you've told me our relationship will never work".

Plan A does not mean caving in divorce negotiations. Explain that the breakup of the family is extremely stressful for the kids and yourself. He must meet his obligations and make this traumatic time as easy on the kids as possible. Investigate keeping the house for yourself. It's hard for the kids to move at this time. They should not have to switch communities or schools at this time. He needs to commit to a regular visitation plan etc.

If at all possible, I would try to consult with Steve Harley. You are at a very delicate stage. Don't pressure your H to file, and don't file yourself.

research does show that spouses who do not get a separation agreement on separation, tend to do worse in the divorce settlement.

PPS the reason he won't try is he's addicted to the thrill of the A, he knows it's wrong, but doesn't want to give it up/face himself/face his guilt etc. To be so cruel, he has to shut down his emotions and shut himself off to you.

Good luck- & hugs (((()))))

Espoir,
Thanks for the advice. I am the one filing, it is a very complicated situation, with him being out of state. I am just getting sucked down this path, I want to give it time, but for whatever reason my H is rushing. If I hadn't gone to a lawyer he would have. I almost signed an agreement but got cold feet. It is so true what you are saying about him wanting everything to be convienent. He seems to think everything should just magically change to make his life with the OW possible, without hurting anyone. He truly is trying to make everything seem so right and honorable. I appreciate your input. I think next time I talk to my lawyer I will see if I can let him file but use our new agreement. I don't know he was getting very ANGRY with me dragging my feet on the D. It became a huge LB for him. I know he thinks I am causing all his stress by holding him back from something he truly thinks he wants (THE DIVORCE) I think (almost KNOW) that he thinks that not having the divorce all settled is what is causing his pain and stress. And that once it is over things will turn the corner for him. That is why he wants it so fast, and why he is so upset it is taking so long in his eyes, he wanted it done in a couple of months, I have managed to drag it out for 4 with no break in his will, but as you said the OW has only been here for about 1 month.

It is just so frustrating. I am between a rock and a hard place.
thanks for your advice,
Sharon

If your H doesn't change his mind, can you live with the agreement? Do you think it's fair to you and the children? Don't sign anything unless you feel okay about the terms. I think personally the terms should be more favorable to you because of the "guilt factor"- what your H is putting you through- but the courts don't really see it that way.

Don't worry about LBing your H by dragging your heels on the divorce. If he pesters you about it, maybe you should consider going a bit dark on him. Don't call him, and try not to be available for his phone calls. Say stuff like- my lawyer's working on it, don't worry, it'll get done, I know you're anxious to wrap things up. Then tell him you have a pressing engagement and have to run out the door. Be polite and friendly but make yourself a bit unavailable. Don't rise to his bait. If he tries to get an angry response from you, just invent an excuse- you have to go- you called your lawyer but he's away right now- you're waiting for his phone call back.

In the meantime, try to buy time if possible. In your state, is there a waiting period between filing and the final court date?

But by all means, hammer out an agreement that is fair to you, and consider signing it if it will protect you.

Hi espoir,
thanks for the advice. yes there is a waiting period I think up to six months. I will drag it out as much as possible. I really want to give this thing with the OW some time. I don't think it's going to work out either. I might be wrong but I know I have NO chance until that is over and my H gets a taste of the thought of being alone for the rest of his life. I am trying to stay in contact but it feels so strange. He seems interested in the kids and events from home but now with the D talk (not from me from lawyer) I am afraid he might cut me off. I guess I will have to try. I am his only real connection to family and home, his parents and sister will barely speak to him and the kids don't e-mail or talk to him too much. I hope I can keep my foot in the door.

Thanks so much, your wonderful to help.
Sharon