Now I'm in a turmoil again, after days of feeling pretty good. I guess I was holding on to hopes that WH would regret his rash note on Sat telling me he wants to call it quits. Especially since he says he still loves me, and then he called me Mon to see if I was ok & we had a pretty nice talk. I was hoping if I left him alone he'd rethink.

But he just sent me another note saying that he appreciates my wanting to hold on but he hasn't changed his mind, he still wants to call it quits. He said he thinks it best for both of us in the long run. It felt like I'd been hit in the gut... again - just like Sat, when he said it the first time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I hadn't contacted him at all since my reply to his Sat note, when I'd told him "no, I'm not calling it quits, altho you can do what you want." But I had to find out today what to do with reservations for next week. And that's when he responded - telling me to cancel, it was best we not do another vacation together (oh, I agree, I agree!) and he would come home instead, but just to pack some stuff. Then he said he still hadn't made up his mind about how long he'd stay at our place or where he'd go from there. He ended his note really cheerful, talking about how he's looking at going to a course somewhere that will really help him in his career, and how he's having a great time now.

And of course I'm devastated again. I keep trying to think, "this guy is nuts, he's in a fog, he doesn't know what he's saying." But all the time it hurts so bad because he is saying these things anyway. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

And maybe he *does* know what he wants, maybe it is true. Am I doing the right thing by holding on? What's the point when he says this? Are there other people out there who have heard these exact same things, and worse, and managed to reconcile?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

How do I handle his coming home? How do I act when he's here? What do I say, or do I say nothing? And how do I handle this last week before he does come home? No contact? Should I leave it alone, his latest comment about wanting to call it quits, and not tell him again how I want to keep trying and that I think he's wrong? Or is that lecturing and pushing him?

Please help. I'm so miserable and hurt right now, I can't think straight. Just when I think I'm over the worst...

SH94 I'm so sorry your going thru another painful period with your WH's A. You seem to be doing all the right things for making him want to return to you but his head is still fogged up by the fantasy of his A, so don't beat yourself up. Your case is very common and many that have gone thru it will tell you so.

Are you taking anti-depressants? if not you should, to cope with the emotional rollercoaster your experiencing.

Take everything he says to you with a big grain of salt because tomorrow he could be telling you the opposite of what he said these last few days. If he truly wants to start a new life, then let him file for divorce. Many WS's talk about ending the M but when it comes to put his/her money where his/her mouth is, s/he fails to follow thru. So until he files for divorce, don't beleive that it is over.

God bless.

Thank you so much again, Coffee. As usual you always say just the right thing. I should have expected this, shouldn't I? I keep trying to remind myself this could take weeks or months. Altho not years, because I don't think I could last that long.

Do you think that my actions when he comes home are really going to matter? As long as I don't out and out blast him - get angry, demand, push, or whine - can I really go wrong? I mean, what I'm thinking is that he doesn't care right now - my actions have no impact on him. If I ignore him, be pleasant but distant, sleep in the guest room. Or if I act like a wife, ask him to go out, have sex. Does it really matter? I've been agonizing about the "correct" responses, as though this is some chess game where if I do X he'll respond with Y. And that's part of my turmoil - thinking that if I don't do just the right thing, I'll have blown it forever. I spend hours and days wondering how I should act - call or not, write a note or not, say this or say that. And in the end, does it really matter????

HI SH94.....you hit the nail right on the head, whenyou said i spend days and hours wondering,how i should act, what i should do or say. Oh yes, how true. I am doing the same, I also find i am so nervous when he comes home, that i will say the wrong thing or worse LB. Sometimes I feel like i should say nothing, cause i am scared i will blow it. But then the silence is too eery, like we are really drifting apart, this plan a'ing is not easy for sure.

I think your actions do matter, dont show him that you have given up. Things work different for different H's. Mine is willing to have sex, but will not go out with me, (have asked him a couple of times now, and he refused). Yes , have sex with him, if he is willing (and make it the best damm sex he is ever had). Dont ignore him, but dont be needy. Show him the best wife you can be in all ways. Think of the EN's you didnt fulfil and work on those.

I am new here, only about 3 weeks, but i hope i made you feel alittle better, i really dont know much myself, its only been 2 and half months into my H's A. I am pretty messed up myself, and from what i read here, i am in for a long haul yet. Take Care, and god bless you...A/C0810

BS - me....45
WH - ......46
2 children....13 and 15
Married....17 yrs, together for 19
D-day...july 25, but it started Beginning of July
OW has returned to where she lived (was on vacation here when they met) Aug.7
WH and OW have been comunicating through computer every day and phoning
OW returns this December for another visit here, where WH says he will be seeing her then.

SH94,

You know that you've been a great comfort with everything I'm going through and I find myself wishing I could do or say something to help you, but unfortunetly this is the only thing I can do:

Hopefully this message will brighten your day.

"I wish for you..."
* Comfort on difficult days,
* Smiles when sadness intrudes,
* Rainbows to follow the clouds,
* Laughter to kiss your lips,
* Sunsets to warm your heart
* Gentle hugs when spirits sag,
* Friendships to brighten your being,
* Beauty for your eyes to see,
* Confidence for when you doubt,
* Faith so that you can believe,
* Courage to know yourself,
* Patience to accept the truth,
* And love to complete your life.
God Bless you!

I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today
* To guide you and protect you
* As you go along your way....
* His love is always with you
* His promises are true
* No matter what the tribulation
* You know He will see us through
* So , when the road you're traveling on
* Seems difficult at best
* Give your problems to the Lord
** And God will do the rest.

You can't believe how good it makes me feel to hear all of your words of support! Nothing has changed, my WH still wants to leave, and OW is *still* pregnant. But I know I'm better than both of them, and getting better all the time because of help from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L&H, thank you! Talking to you has been a lifesaver for me as well. I do hope you're doing better today - I've been thinking about you.

And A/C0810, you have it spot on! That's exactly what I should do when WH comes home. You said
"Yes , have sex with him, if he is willing (and make it the best damm sex he is ever had). Dont ignore him, but dont be needy. Show him the best wife you can be in all ways. Think of the EN's you didnt fulfil and work on those. "
You hit it spot on! It's funny. I can go back and forth for days, wondering what to do, how to act, what to say. But when someone gives me advice that I know is right - BAM, it hits me right between the eyes. Everything comes clear and I just know that this is the right thing to do. That's what your words did for me. Thanks

I just remembered something that has helped many a BS's in the past to cope with the emotional turmoil and it's to not have any expectations of the fogged up WS. Sounds kind of nutty I know but by doing so you can emotionally detach enough to still maintain your love while at the same time preserving it from the battering of false recoveries that are part of the territory of infidelity.

Try to remember also what were the things that your WH has enjoyed in the past and see if the next time he comes back, you can invite him to do them with you. This could help you also because if he is happy for a day or two doing his favorite things with you, he may begin to associate these happy times with you. You and happy times could be synonimous once more in his mind and in his heart.

Hmmmm.... "No expectations of WH". You know, Coffee, you're right. I think I've been getting there, but your comment made me go AHAA! When I don't expect him to be the H I married, and I don't expect affection and reassurance, then I can't be surprised and it doesn't hurt so much when he doesn't. Right?

Well, I've been giving this a lot of thought. WH is coming back home next Thurs. He said in his note he doesn't know how long he'll stay. And I came up with a plan (because of COURSE as an engineer I always need a blueprint... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

1) I won't send him any more notes before he returns, unless it's something really impersonal like a news article or joke I heard. Something that we share in common but has no underlying meaning.

2) I will do a *GREAT* Plan A while he's here. I'll be loving, happy, satisfying his EN's. I'll try to lead a normal life which happens to be very social - lots of eating out and seeing friends - and ask him to go with me. But also looking after myself and taking care of my needs, and going out myself if he won't. And not pushing or talking about A, OW, or R-issues. And giving him lots of space if he wants it.

3) I made plans to go backpacking with friends during that week WH & I were supposed to go on vacation. I will tell WH he is welcome to come, or he can stay at apartment, or whatever he wants. (Just like you suggested, Coffee - backpacking's our best time, and less pressure around people.)

4) And if WH decides he wants to leave during his month at home, I will see him off with a smile, let him know I love him and will be here for him.

Any thoughts? Am I being too nice and accepting?