Hello Toro,
I am sorry for the pain you have right now, I hope you are running on an even keel today.
I would like you to stop worrying about her for a minute and lets talk about you.
First, what do you want? Do you know for sure that you want to save your marriage?
If you do, perhaps you could look at this a little differently.
Next, ( I am going to go on as though you want to save things) If you are going to try and save things, you should get counseling with the Harleys. It costs a lot, but you will probably spend less for it then for a Divorce Lawyer. And then there is alimony and Child support. I believe you could save a lot of the mental anguish you are going through if you had a good plan and a counselor to help you measure your progress.
Between now and getting a C there are things you should be doing, and things you should not be doing.
You should be in plan A. That means you should try to figure out what needs OM is meeting for her and meet them yourself. You are also meeting needs that OM is not, and cannot meet, and you should intensify your efforts there.
Even if she moves out, you can have e-mail contact and phone contact and you should try to date her and spend time with her. She will want ( usually) to visit the children, and you will have contact then. Be a gentleman, show her what she is missing. Be polite and don't LB. OM is happy and makes her feel good. You need to out OM the OM.
Don't ask her to tell you what she wants - she has no idea. If she knew what she wanted, she would be with OM or still planning on living with you. Don't ask her if she wants a D or anything like that. Be positive and say things like " when you move back home, we can do this or that." Act like you believe it is only a matter of time until she returns. Remember that she is the WS and she is in the FOG. Don't treat her like she is rational and can think clearly and give good answers, because she cannot.
Don't believe all the bad stuff she says about you, but some of it is probably true. That is why you need a counselor. They can ( usually, and for sure if you go with the Harleys) sort this stuff out and tell the true from the false. There are things you need to do better and you need to work on them and not spend your time chasing false alarms. If you don't make changes in you, then it will be hard to make it work long term. If you consider your self perfect, you can ignore this advice.
Don't LB. Much of the conversations you are having with her now are driving her away. You need a C here also to help you know what to say and do, and what to stay away from. I recommend the book "Love Busters" but you may have all the books by now. This part is more important than you think. Read this paragraph a few times and ask TMCM for a 2nd opinion if you disagree with me. You have to learn about LB's before you can stay away from them. Learn all you can.
Toro, you have a lot going for you. She has reasons to come back. Z was right about separations being bad. If you could tell her you were getting a C and you wanted the two of you to stay together while you tried to work it out, perhaps it would get her to stay. If she leaves, do the other stuff and get Counseling anyway.
Slow down and make a plan and then work it daily. This didn't happen overnight and it won't be fixed in a day or two. If you want to save it, you have a lot of work to do and you need to think carefully about every step you take. Come check with us before you write any more of those late night letters. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
We care, we want to help. I hope you get back together and are very happy a year from now, but it won't be by accident.
Last, you will have more bad days. If you have a good plan it will make all the difference. You won't say " I've had it, this is the end." You will say, " well, I can still plan A another month like I figured I would." That may save you from doing something that you would regret.
May God bless you with success in this very difficult journey.
SS
<small>[ September 19, 2002, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>
