seem to wander again, no matter what kind of an affair it was.

Does this seem to be the norm? Because if once we fix our marriage and WS does this again I don't think I can survive. I would rather just end it now.

Someone said that an EA can be worse because of the fantasizing and stuff, it is harder to break. Should I believe my H that he never had fantasies about her that he was only using her for someone to talk to since he didn't feel wanted her at home?

Maia

MY H ALSO HAD AN EA. AFTERING TELLING ME HE DIDN'T FEEL THE SAME ABOUT ME LOVE,DESIRE,WANT, ETC 1/14/02. ON 2/14/02 HE HAD ONE TIME PA. (SO HE SAYS). I HAVE WONDERED THIS SO MANY TIMES. EVEN THOUGH WE ARE IN RECOVERY STILL SCARED TO GIVE MY HEART COMPLETELY. THE EA CONCERNS ME BECAUSE FEELINGS GET INVOLVED. I WONDER SOMETIMES IF DOWN THE ROAD HE STARTS MISSING HER OR I DO SOMETHING WRONG. AFTER 22 YRS OF MARRIAGE AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY DIDN'T SEE IT COMING. IM WITH YOU COULDN'T HANDLE THAT KIND OF PAIN AGAIN. TRUST IS TO BE EARNED AND IT'S LIKE STARTING OVER. WE JUST HAVE TO PRAY AND NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE (WE BS) MADE TO HELP BRING ON EA BECAUSE I'VE REALIZED IT TAKES 3. HOW MANY TIMES I'VE ASK MYSELF "IF I ONLY KNEW?" NOW I DO!!! LIFE COULD END TOMMORROW WHERE DO WE WANT TO BE?

Hello again,

I have just logged on and found that you have come over to this section. It's good that you are reading, as I am sure you will learn a lot. But if you want to understand better how you and your H got to this point, please also look at the articles on this website. It seems your H is saying that he felt neglected at home and just wanted someone to talk to. With two small children and another on the way, he may have felt "bottom of the list". Read up on the Basic Principles - get to know about the Love Bank and meeting each other's emotional needs. What usually happens in a marriage is that we meet our spouses most important emotional needs in the beginning, then with time, work, children and other pressures, since we are not actively thinking about meeting our spouses needs, things start to slip. One or the other spouse feels the lack of something which he/she had at the beginning, but which seems to have "disappeared" from the R. The person who goes looking for his/her needs to be met by a third party must take responsibility for his/her choices, as this IS a choice. But the BS can do a lot to repair the damage by making an effort to find out which needs the WS felt were not being met, and actively try to fill the WS needs. If an affair is underway, this is extremely difficult to do. But if the WS has broken off the extra-marital R and is willing to try to mend the marriage, you have a good chance of success.

So I would like to encourage you to listen to your H and, even though you feel betrayed and hurt, to try to see where you could meet his needs in a way that he responds to. Oftentimes, we try to meet needs that WE think are important, without seeing the needs that THEY think are important. We prioritize things differently from our partner. Its important to find out what HE feels are his most important EN's. If he is willing, you should do the EN's questionnaires. Most couples find that when they start meeting their partner's needs in the way that their partner likes, their partner starts meeting their needs in the way that they like.

If he won't cooperate with the questionnaire, do what someone recommended to me, and treat him like a science experiment. Try finding a way to fill each of the EN's separately and note his response. See what he responds to positively. I did this with my H - and he responded very well to Admiration (complimenting him on the things he did well, appreciation for the things he did for me), RC and SF (he just plain and simple needed more sex - what's new?). Now he is actively trying to do things that he thinks will make me happy - helping around the house (hanging up the washing, washing dishes, babysitting without complaining). We are still struggling to get to talk about things so in that sense you are way ahead of the game.

I see it as a very positive sign that your H has talked willingly to you about this. Do you think he has been totally honest? If you think he has, you must give him credit for this. Say "Thank you for having the courage to be honest with me. When you are honest with me it helps me feel I can trust you again. I want to trust you again because I really love you." Use your own words. But acknowledge him for his honesty. If you don't acknowledge him for being upfront with you, he will think, why did I bother?

I'm sure that someone else will come along soon with some more wisdom at some point. I don't count myself as one of the wise ones - I'm still in the throes of learning myself. But I hope this helps you.

LIR

Sorry, for some reason it posted twice.

<small>[ September 21, 2002, 04:05 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

CarolynG,

Gosh I feel so much like you, I thought our marriage was going great, I was carrying his child, a boy no less and he still does this. I know I changed a lot this pregnancy and I know it is partly my fault but in all honesty I had no clue he was feeling like this. He tends to hide his emotions, something he learned as a child.

You said "HOW MANY TIMES I'VE ASK MYSELF "IF I ONLY KNEW?" Gosh I do that everyday. I wish I could go back to the end of March first of April and just redo everything again.

Thanks
Maia

LIR

Thanks so much I have learned so much from this site already just since I found it on Mon. I did pring out the EN Questionaire and asked H if he would do it with me because I am still hurting and I want to work on this marriage. He automatically took offense and said, "Why do you keep bringing this up, I thought you wanted to let it go!" So we never discussed anything but I have finally got the courage up to bring it up again and tonight he said he will sit with me and talk about our marriage. I have told him about this site and have printed some things up like the EN Questionaire and the Honesty thing.

As for him being honest, yes I think he has been honest with me but it took 4 weeks to get everything out of him. If I said "Did you ever talk to her on the phone" his response would be "no" then I would find out later thru phone bills that he had called her and when I asked why he had lied he said "Well I didn't TALK to her but I did try to call her but never got through." Very knit picky and sneaking like. Something else that is so hard is that I do believe him but I am scared to believe him, afterall he is the one who did all this lying and sneaking for months. Does that make sense?

Thanks so much for your help,

Maia

Whoops again!

<small>[ September 21, 2002, 04:04 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Dear maiadab,

From reading on this site, I have seen that this is very common with WS - they are afraid to reveal everything, especially if they are ready to work on their marriage. So it does tend to come out in dribs and drabs.

The important thing is that you feel he has been totally honest with you. It sounds like he is, IMO. It sounds like he was lonely and found someone nice to talk to, but that he realized he was getting in deeper than he should be, and so he cut it off. I know how much the deception hurts you and has damaged your trust, but this can be restored if you are both willing to work on it.

When you sit down to do the EN's questionnaire, try to let him know that this is to help YOU because you know that it takes two for a marriage to both work or to fail, but that you need his help. Men like to be experts, and you could say something like, "You are the expert on you, so if you can help me to understand what kinds of things you like best, I would appreciate it. Its hard for me when I have to guess at it. I do try, but sometimes, I get it wrong. I am asking for your help with this because I love you and I want things between us to work out. I know it has been hard for you with the kids being so small and needing so much attention, but I want to be here for you, too, and you are the one who can help me with this."

This way, you present your request in a non-demanding way, at the same time, telling him how much he means to you, and how much you want to meet his needs, too.

It is natural for him to want to close the subject, since he is probably upset with himself, too and doesn't want to be reminded of his weaknesses. So keep your eyes on the positives and try to steer away from any recriminations, as that will not help.

Also, ask him when is a good time for him to sit down with you. Give him a chance to prepare himself to do this questionaire with you - it is hard for him, especially after a long day's work, to be hit with a request to "do it now". Try asking him to think of a time and let you know - give him a little breathing space. If he has already agreed to look at it, I would bet he will come back to do it more willingly, if you let him have some time to prepare himself and if he feels more in control of "when". See what happens and try to be patient.

Good luck!
LIR