My wife and I have been married for fourteen years but there is another man involved.

First some background. They were a couple before she and I met. In fact, they grew up together and eventually became a couple during their teenage years. He met someone else and started dating both until it blew apart and, to make a long story short, he ended up with the other girl (and has been with her since - 20 years and three kids). I met Mary shortly after and we dated for about four years before we got married. She and Mike (the guy in question) kept very loose contact and then he wrote her a letter asking her to leave me and he would leave his girl and they get together. This was shortly before she and I got married and she turned him down. As time passed we ended up being friends(?) and double dated on occasion. There were two occasions where he was in a position alone with my wife and made pretty aggressive passes at her. After that part of our life, we moved away for a few years and lost touch with them. When we returned, after a few years we started seeing them again. I should say that my wife's sister is married to his brother so some contact is inevitable.

Now, on to the present. Mary and I have been married for almost fourteen years now and Mike has been with his woman (though not married) for almost twenty. We have two children and they have three. Over the past couple of years Mary has become much more close to Mike - they call each other "Best Buddies" (which I took exception with), he is her best friend and she is his best friend. We (as a couple) have begun to socialize quite a bit with them but I had some issues with it. First, she and Mike talk on the phone four or five times every day (Mary works from home and Mike is not working). Recently I walked in from lunch while they were on the phone and Mary said "I have to go now, my man just walked in. I'll call you tomorrow." She didn't hide these calls from me and was very open about them, but the way they talked and laughed on the phone is something that made me feel very uncomfortable. From what she tells me, he very often brings up "the old days" when they dated. They share an interest in old time country music and this is a connection which I am actually sick of hearing about. I also hear quite a few comments such as "I was talking to Mike today and he thought ......." She told me about a dream he had where I killed my children and myself and tried to kill her because of a baby they had together. Finally he likes to play little mind games with me while we are in their presence. He will make comments about her, and make certain that I know all about their calls especially when they get into personal stuff.

Fianlly I had enough and told her that I needed her to cut back on contact. I told her how it made me feel and what I felt his intentions were. After some arguing she agreed to go see him and explain. When she got home she said that all went "relatively well" and he didn't like it but he accepted it. A couple weeks later and no change except she seemed different somehow.

Finally I droped home from work on day for lunch and found her crying. She told me that she was leaving me. I asked her why and she said that she had been unfaithful. When I finally got the details out of her I found out that when she went over, he began crying and telling her that he loved her so much more than his wife. He begged her to leave me and he would leave his wife so they could be together. She kissed him and told him she loved him but then ran off.

When she told me this she said she had feelings for him. She later told me that the only feelings she had were friendship. We decided to work it out and he would be out of her life completely. A week later their on the phone again constantly. He told me himself that he was sorry and he wasn't a threat and she believes that (wish I did). Over the past weeks she has committed to me to never see him again five times, but it keeps coming back. She is also best friends with his wife and she refuses to let go of the friendship with either. He told his wife that he had "some feelings of love" and nothing more.

She has been advised by mutual friends to end it for his wife if nothing else but she sees no harm in their friendship and I am supposed to simply live with it.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Howdy Bill, I'm not very wise in these matters but heres my 2 cents. It is an affair. It is called an emotional affair and is probably a hop-skip-and a jump away from becoming physical. She needs to break contact with him immediately if she really wants to save her marriage. She already knows what kind of person he is, you said he was two-timing her in the beginning. Only advice I can offer is find out what it is about him that makes him so attractive to her, and try and do it better. He is meeting some EN of hers that you are not and she is not willing to let it go. As long as you let her continue like this it will only get worse. Like I said, there are many others here much wiser than I so seek them out. JMHO

Oh definetely she was/is having an A(affair), an EA(emotional affair) at the very least.

I would urge you that you and your W(wife) seek MC(marriage counseling) as soon as possible. If possible, contact the Harley's for telephone counseling.

I would also like to recomend you buy and read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''His needs Her needs''Love busters' and, if possible, for your W to read them as well.

AVOID love busters which are: angry outbursts ("who wants to live with a bomb?"), selfish demands ("who wants to live with a dictator?") disrespectful judgements ("who wants to live with a critic?"), dishonesty ("who wants to live with a liar?"), annoying habits ("who wants to live with a dripping faucet?"), and independent behavior ("who wants to live with an inconsiderate jerk?").

You and your W are lucky that your mutual friends have good moral compasses and are telling her to end her contact with Mike. Mike is bad news for everybody.

There was indeed an EN that I was not fulfilling. I've changed that and we seem closer than ever at times. She swears that I am the only one and that I have nothing to worry about. I'm not usually given to insecurity but this has thrown me for a loop. I'm starting to notice differences in her behaviour (or am I imagining it????)

Your wife needs immediately counseling. The bottom line is that she has been having a long time emotional affair (at the very least) with her former lover who enjoys sticking it to you when he can. I cannot imagine any husband putting up with this situation. She is humiliating and disrespecting you as a husband. She also seems to be a cakewoman who enjoys having you as a husband and having a former lover staying close and feeding her ego. She claims to now at least kiss him. It is a matter of time if she has not already that the affair will become physical.
She needs again to break contact and inform his wife (or you should do it) about everything that has been said and has been going on. How do you think your wife would feel if the roles were reversed? It is ridiculous that she is constantly on the phone with him. He has made it clear what his intentions are towards your wife.
Why in the world would you socialize with him. I think your wife is using the friendship of the wife as an excuse. The situation is intolerable and should not be accepted. Why should you have to share your wife with her ex lover this way?
Most men would never accept this situation.
Again I suggest counseling and she needs to break contact or else this ex lover will be in your life forever. Are you willing to accept this because you should not. I would also tell the OM and his wife your feelings and everything you know about his contact with your wife. You need to expose this affair to the light of day and not cover it up. I am fearful your attitude is simply too accepting and it is a matter of time before it leads to something worse. She has already admitted to you that she has been unfaithful in her mind at least and kissing him to you and she still has contact with him? I think you need to be more forceful or it will be a matter of time before you will lose your marriage.