My trip was great. I dived to 47.9M and did a night dive without a torch - pushed myself to the limit as usual. Considering I haven't even done 20 dives yet it was pretty good and my companions seemed pretty impressed! (they are all experienced divers). I felt sad at times, especially when I would see couples enjoying each other. I often feel lonely these days, even in a crowd of friends.

The night before I left I found a huge tumour on the dog's neck. It was subsequently diagnosed as a haemangiosarcoma, which is very aggressive. To cut a long story short, I had it removed and finger's crossed the pathology reports will clear him of further growth. I pick him up tomorrow. I am shattered that I may loose my dog, the husband can go, but not the dog.

Speaking of which, after my return I asked him if there was any chance of reconciliation. He said no and cited my problems with his family. I have now asked him to divorce me, told his parents EVERYTHING about the situation and apologised to them for any problems we had that i contributed to. They said there were no problems there - I feel I've done all I can to save the marriage and clear my conscience, even though I failed at plan B, I will be able to carry this through.

I guess this is acceptance? I don't want it or like it, but as he says he won't reconcile, then why be married any longer? Why live in limbo which is making me unhappy and stressing me to the max? Although I don't like it, at least I know where I stand, what the deal is and I can really work on getting over him.

He still plays games saying that while I was away he wanted to ring me up and tell me he loved me. I now babble back telling him not to play games and that I'm glad I found out what he was like before we had kids, etc. He's just trying to manipulate me, but I'm not buying it anymore. I've had a gut full.

He's carried on the last few days about the dog being his mate, etc, etc and now I get a phone call saying he can't go and see him because he's busy playing golf and he's not sure when he'll be able to see him. The more he says and does the easier it is to go through with it.

I feel like I never want a man to be that close to me again. This hurts too much and I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore (except my family).

I'm still hoping Steve Harley will contact me to help me for me, but to date he hasn't.

Because of all the above I've not had much of a chance to post, the news of my dog really shook me. I'll be back when I can but things are going to be pretty busy from now on.

By the way, dad came back from Scotland on Tuesday, he had a great trip, but was glad to be home. Its my birthday next week, I'm planning to forget it, I don't feel like celebrating my birthday for the first time in my life.

As you can read I'm sad, but relieved I know where I stand. I'm a touch bitter, a fair bit angry and just taking things five minutes at a time.

Hi Liz - I can certainly feel your anxieties in your words. None of us can take away your pain, but many of us can vouch that it will lessen.

You have tasted the variety of life that awaits you on the "outside." I hope your pleasant thoughts about your adventures come to dominate your sense of self more and more. You are well on the way to your personal recovery regardless of what happens to your H. From a growth standpoint, you have already left him far behind and he may never achieve what you now have - a broader, more understanding perspective of yourself and your place in the world.

Keep growing. You are an inspiration to many here.

Dave

Wow! 47.9 meters!! My limit's 100 feet. And I DO take a torch (or flashlight, as we Yanks call it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

You said WH won't even see his dog!! As far as I'm concerned, that makes him history. Anybody who'd do that isn't worth being upset about. You go, girl! I divorced my 3rd husband for treating my dog badly. I should have realized when the dog tried to bite him while we were dating that it was a huge mistake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You seem to be taking this with such grace and spirit. I second WAT's post - you *are* an inspiration. Take care.

Seahorse - I can feel your pain - You posted to me a long time about doing a plan A and if my husband wanted to come back to me fine and if he didn't fine also - then I will be happy.... OK well now I just got divorced on Wednesday and I have got to tell you - I was so dreading that day thinking that my world was coming to an end and was I gonna go on - I am going to fall apart - but I have got to tell you - Still I am not happy but I have not shed one tear... It is kind of like relief that I don't have to deal with the crap anymore - But I haven't figured out how to move on - but I am feeling better each day - Someday I am going to get on with life.. and I am hoping that I will trust again - You will move on also - you have no children and therefore if and when it is over then you won't have to deal with him... I on the other hand have children and will see him all of the time... I wish you well and remember take your own adivce you gave to me - if he wants to come home fine and if he doesn't fine - You will trust again...I hope your dog is ok - Bye - Good Luck

I am very glad your trip was great . Many of us have been waiting for you to come back and tell us how you are.
I was both afraid for you and happy for you as I read this, often when we are away from something we can come back and think more clearly about it. It looks like that is the case here. I am happy because I know you will go on and do well in your life and this is a start. I was afraid because of the pain you have felt, feel now, and will continue to have for a time. I am very sorry for the bad parts of this.

I felt sad at times, especially when I would see couples enjoying each other. I often feel lonely these days, even in a crowd of friends.
That is going to take awhile. I believe if Forgiver was here, she would say the same thing as you have said. I believe I am very safe in saying that someday you will not have these feelings, that you will not be lonely, and that you will be very, very happy. You'll just have to take that on faith.

I am sorry for your dog's pain also, I have a golden retriever ( 11 years old) and I am pretty attached to him. It is hard to see them suffer when they are such good friends.

Speaking of which, after my return I asked him if there was any chance of reconciliation. He said no and cited my problems with his family.
Fog Translation:
"Lets see, what excuse can I give here, Oh yeah, ah, you have problems with my family so it will never work."

Although I don't like it, at least I know where I stand, what the deal is and I can really work on getting over him. He still plays games saying that while I was away he wanted to ring me up and tell me he loved me. I now babble back telling him not to play games and that I'm glad I found out what he was like before we had kids, etc. He's just trying to manipulate me, but I'm not buying it anymore.
Actions speak louder than words. His actions tell you what you need to know. I think your feelings about this are correct.

I've had a gut full. He's carried on the last few days about the dog being his mate, etc, etc and now I get a phone call saying he can't go and see him because he's busy playing golf and he's not sure when he'll be able to see him. The more he says and does the easier it is to go through with it.
More of the same.

I feel like I never want a man to be that close to me again. This hurts too much and I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore (except my family).
Ouch, I hope these feelings go away. I know people that are married and actually like it. (me for one.) I admit we sometimes hurt each other but we help more than we hurt and life is pretty good. Don't give up quite yet.

I'm still hoping Steve Harley will contact me to help me for me, but to date he hasn't. Contact him if you need to, don't sit around waiting. I thought you already learned about that!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am glad your dad is home safely. I bet he has some stories to tell. You ought to get him to tell them to you, and you ought to tell him yours too. In fact, your birthday would be a good day to do it. So tell me the day, mine is next week also, the 24th. ( I am somewhat older, I turn 47 this year.)

As you can read I'm sad, but relieved I know where I stand. I'm a touch bitter, a fair bit angry and just taking things five minutes at a time.

I wish I had the words to help. At least you know we care, and perhaps in the end, that really does help in some small way.

Liz, you were born for some good purpose. You can still make a difference in someone's life. Many here have said you have helped them. Many others will say that someday in the future. Perhaps your own children, probably others. Have a little faith that things will be good. Set it as a goal and work for it, you will get there.

SS

BTW, it's good to have you back.

<small>[ September 20, 2002, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Seahorse -- I'm not sure I can add much to what WAT and still seeking have said. I do think you have grown and are moving on and your WH is stuck in neutral.

You can say that you did everything humanly possible to try and save your M. You learned much about yourself and you gave your WH plenty of time and opportunity to recommit.

I am very sorry to hear about your dog and doubly sorry to hear that your WH hasn't made the effort to come by and see him. I feel the same about my pets.

Sometimes I do wonder why we are put through this, but have to have faith that more good things will come to pass in our lives.

You are special -- few could do the things you've done in terms of personal growth and the courage to try and save your marriage.

One day at a time.