After 3 1/2 months of a good plan A and advice from my IC, I finally stood up to my WH. I told him I could not tolerate living with him going back and forth any longer. It was time for him to make a decision- end the A or leave. It was an emotional struggle for both of us - me, for having to stick to the boundaries that I set - WH, for having to finally make a choice. He decided to end the A and stay home.

That was two days ago. Since that time, my WH has displayed a wide range of intense emotions. He is very sad, obviously depressed, and extremely angry. He ignores me and basically tries to act like I do not exist when I am around. The only thing that he has to say to me is "You made your one rule, I followed it, now leave me alone!" I have never seen him like this before. Sometimes I feel like he hates me.

My IC indicates that I need to allow WH time to adjust and experience his emotions. That I should just be available in case he wants to talk and be as pleasant as possible when I am around. I just don't quite understand where the anger has come from - the sadness I understand. The anger baffles me.

Has anyone else seen a similar reaction from WS after NC? How long did it last? How did BS react? Any thoughts are appreciated.

Thanks, WTW

WTW - I didn't have a chance to deal with this problem, so my reply is based only on reading on this forum about others' experiences.

Your H is likely angry at you because you ruined his fantasy world. He was high on the infidelity drug and you pulled the plug. Because of you, he may lose the love of his life and eternal happiness, blah, blah, blah. You are public enemy number one. Deep down inside he may suspect you're not at fault, but he's not ready yet to look in the mirror and face up to HIS poor behavior and he needs you to blame his "loss" on.

I recommend you browse and post over on the In Recovery board for some better, direct experience.

But let me provide this caution: he is extremely vulnerable for a relapse. He's still in the fog and is fighting to keep his rationalizations intact. The OP can suck him fully back into the fog quite easily. Get all the advice you can about this dicey stage and be prepared for more laps on the rollercoaster. DO NOT give him any more reasons to be angry at you. NO LOVEBUSTERS!!! In effect, you've already commited the biggest LB of all, but hopefully a fruitful one. Do not relax.

Good luck.

This is very normal- both anger and depression is common during the withdrawal period from the A especially when theirs was a very EA/PA type of long affair. My H was very angry when I made him end his A-OW kept putting me down and pressuring him to divorce me and in turn he vented his stress from that onto me.We went 8 mo with no physical intimacy and the last 3 months of that was during the time after he ended the A. He said 'he was waiting to see if his feelings for me would come back.' OUCH! eventually they did and its been worth the wait but it can be emotionally devastating to go thru the withdrawal period with your WS. Hang in there and dont expect much for awhile- my H was not truly remorseful or sorry until about 8-12 wks past the end of the A even though he went to counseling with me he was still undecided about the fact that he had ended his 'soulmate affair.'It took alot of time and space and counseling before the fog began to lift and he began to deal in reality land. lifeismessy

Gosh - it is really hard to keep a positive perspective when my WH is being so nasty to me....!! I think he is slowly softening, but of course it also makes me question whether there has been renewed contact with OW. Thoughts?

Yep, here's mine. Give him a few days to calm down. Basically.... stay out of his way. When his anger blows.... step back.

Here is what I did:

1. When the WS got angry, I told him to go yell in the mirror and not at me.

2. When the WS would not respond to even normal conversation, I talked to the wall and the WS responded. (kinda a joke with us now!!! LOL!)

3. The WS accused me of making his life miserable. When I decided that was enough cr@p, I told him I was not making his life miserable, he was making our lives miserable and he could go do that elsewhere since we don't have time to be miserable. (reverse babble response).

I told him to go make the OW's life miserable not mine!

4. When the WS accused me of 'controlling his life', I told him nope, remember you told me that I can't control you so why would it start now? Again reverse recall babble, played back and it sounded beautiful. But to the WS' ears it was like nails on a chalkboard! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Then I told the WS, that control in this household is based on keeping order, being respectful, loving and considerate of each other. If he didn't want those things then he could leave because, then we would not want him either. (again reverse babble that made his head spin). So I agreed that controls/rules were enforced in this house.

5. Then I put the Onis (ownership/responsibility) on him (as a qualification for 'allowing him the privilege' to live with us) to make us happy. Meet our needs. In return, I would think about meeting his and so would our child.

So far that plan is working for us. His anger moods subsided and so did his contact with the OW to the point that he now says he no longer misses the OW.

JMHO,
L.

Willing --
You've read it all by now, but let me toss in my two cents. Early on, WS said "If I let this wonderful thing go and we don't work out, I'm going to be so angry at you!" It was a weak threat, but the point is, she was pissed about the end of the A. Now, just a few months later, she's realizing the fantasy was more than the reality. It ain't pretty around here sometimes, and there is that recovery stiffness and distance, but things are rolling our way. I think.
Time. It takes time. Yes, your spouse is angry. This, too, shall pass if you do all you can to fill the vacuum. Remember, as Dr. Harley said, you're competing with a memory. Run circles around it.

Takes time. Takes time. Takes time. And more patience than you thought you EVER had.

Willing,
God bless you for being willing to wait, and for trying to understand what your H is going through right now.

The anger seems very normal to me, as he's letting go of his fantasy about the 'love of his life'. I was the WS, so I can relate completely.
I'm so glad that your H is still with you, in the home, and please just give it time.

Hopeful