Hi! I am a first-time poster on this board and I have a few questions.
first, my history. (I'll try to be brief) I am currently separated from husband of 16 years. (separated 6/02) We have 2 children together, D15 and S10. I also have a daughter from my 1st marriage, she's 21. My husband's and my relationship has been rocky basically from the beginning. We had an extremely co-dependent relationship in the beginning. He was a drug addict, I was co-dependent and that worked out well. (so to speak) I did everything for him, fixed everything for him, catered to him, lost myself-for him, and learned not to stand up to him because he had a tendancy to rage and destroy things. But most of the time, he was very sweet and gentle and sensitive, more than the average guy.
About half way through, I became depressed, I think. I became resentful. I blamed him for my unhappiness. After all, I did all this FOR HIM and never got to do anything FOR MYSELF. I realize now that I had a choice, but at the time, I felt like I didn't. Needless to say, I became emotionally detached, isolated myself from everything. Even my kids sometimes. (boy, do I feel guilty about that) His temper tantrums no longer scared me, they annoyed me. His neediness annoyed me. He still has a way of manipulating people (me and the kids) with anger. My son, 10, is now the same way. My daughters are pretty much like me. Passive. Our intimacy level went to zero. We only coexisted.
In January of this year, we found out that our daughter had sex with her "boyfriend" It was a bad experience for her. She felt coerced, used. She cried the whole next day and wouldn't come out of the bathroom. I tried to comfort her, told her she has to forgive herself, learn from it and move on. My husband chooses to stop speaking to her. And he didn't speak to her until May. For 5 months, I watched him ignore her. She became very depressed and spiraled downward. Quit activities at school. Started drinking and using drugs. Grade point average went from 4.0 to 2.5. Talked about suicide (which is when I got her into therapy and they put her on Prozac) When I told my husband she was suicidal, he proceeded to talk about HIS feelings, how hurt HE is, how disappointed HE is. I said I did not want to talk about HIS feelings. I wanted to talk about HERS. He said I never did care about his feelings, and we should just get a divorce. (he said that a lot when we fought) this time, I said ok. So we are not separated.
Right after the separation, he begged for forgiveness and another chance. Treated my like gold. When I said I need time to think, he did an about face and treated me like I didn't exist. After 3 months of separation, we have started talking, wondering if we can save this. He has admitted his mistakes, as I have mine. and he is trying to redevelop a relationship with our daughter. She is hesitant at this point.
I do still love him and he loves me. We have a long way to go, I know. I still think a lot of his issues have to do with his abusive childhood. His mother is awful. She hates me, for no reason. She's mean to the kids. and we lived in a house owned by husband's parents. What relief I felt to get out of that house!! I don't know if I could ever go back.
One more obstacle. About 2 years before we separated, he joined the Jehovah's Witnesses. I also studied with them for a time, then concluded that I cannot support their beliefs. I quit. He still goes. I was raised Lutheran and my research only strengthened my Christian faith. This is a conflict for us, as the kids are asked to practice in 2 very opposite ways.
So that's it in a nutshell. Sorry to be so looonnnggggg. I think it would help to chat with people here and get some input. Do you think we can repair all this damage? How should we go about it? Advice welcome.
