I am totally lost and not understanding WS AT ALL. Here's the deal, two weeks ago I found out about his affair for the past several months with this 26 year old which he broke it off with (ostensibly) - he says he has, but other things have come up in the meantime which make me question his honesty. About a week ago, I found out about another affair he had with a woman in Seattle last year while he was on a business trip. I found out from a friend of his, he just kept telling me, "Tell him you've been talking to me for a couple of hours and you want him to come clean" He never actually told me what was involved you see. So, I did, and he said, yeah, he had a one night stand with some girl. So, I go back to the source and I say, yeah he came clean and said he had a one night stand. He gives me a deep sigh, and says, "It was not a one night stand... it was going on for awhile..." so I go back to WS and he says, okay, yes it was twice, I sit him down, and say look, we can't work this out unless you are really willing to be honest with me, was it twice? Was it more? How many more? Who else did you sleep with? He insists it was twice. So I say, okay, so if I verify this with the girl you slept with, she will say twice. He says, yes. So then I find out through my informant, that WS called the girl THAT day and told her that I might be calling, and to tell her the truth - that he wanted to work it out with me - and my informant gave me her phone number and said, please call her, she is expecting to hear from you.

So I call, and it's not twice. It's three times, an attempted 4th back in August of last year (but he was too drunk or something) and he tried to see her again in February of this year but she had a real boyfriend this time and was pregnant with his baby - before he got more deeply involved with his "new soulmate", and I had no idea this whole time. I actually liked OW from Seattle, she was my age, easy to talk to. She told me that in absolute honesty, it was only sex, there was no emotional anything, and they actually talked about how much he loved me and he wanted to do all these plans with me, which in truth made me slightly ill to my stomach, thinking that he was talking about how much he loved me to the woman he just slept with and wanted to sleep with again...

Anyway, it's weird. I am really confused. He finally confessed a third - fourth time? "Yes it was 4 times." I asked him why he didn't tell me? He said he wanted to soften the blow.

So - it's three weeks after the first D-Day and about a week since the second. So now he tells me that he loves me. He wants to work it out. But he's so quiet around me all the time. He won't talk to me! He won't email me! I mean, here I am, willing to offer a full presidential pardon and he WON'T BE HONEST!! God! All I want is to know everything and then we can move on. Maybe there was only two, and he says there were only two, but now I don't know - I mean, he simply won't talk to me. He has shut himself down it looks like.

Okay, granted our sex life wasn't the best, but it is now. In giving him all these plan A things, which are good for me too, I agree, am I feeding into his thoughts that it was my fault the whole time? Like the reason he cheated on me was because I gained a few pounds and we were on maintenance sex for a few months before he started screwing around? Except, I have a feeling that he may have been screwing around the whole time we have been together. It's not something I can prove, but I feel it.

I feel lost, has anyone else gone through this? The repeat lying? The emotional shutdown? What is it? How do I deal with it?

KS,
I'm sorry your H's situation is worse than you knew and your H is shutting down.

I'd really recommend you find a good counselor, if nothing else, it is someone else asking your H some questions and for his input.

Plan A is not about your H's affairs being your fault. No spouse does anything to deserve being cheated on. He gave into his weakness, it was his decisions, his choice.

Plan A is about recognizing your spouse's needs and if there is anything you can do to meet those needs better or more intentionally, or to improve things about yourself that you want for yourself--it is not accepting the blame for the WS's affair.

Repeat lying, emotional shutdown are common in wayward spouses. Also his trying to "softening the blow" is more about making himself not seems like such a bad guy, it wasn't for your benefit at all, you know that by how you feel. But it is a common thing that some WS do, either not telling or not telling the truth, or the whole truth.

He isn't honest, there's no reason for you to think he is, until his actions and words prove to be trustWORTHY over a period of time. You don't have to trust him, if he wants his marriage, then he needs to EARN your trust.

What is he willing to do?

No contact with the OW you found out about first.
Counseling?
Accountability for time?
Wear a cell phone and answer it and make the bill available for you to see?
Email & voice mail passwords?

For you, I'd ask for (not demand) those things and continue with Plan A.

It's better to know what you are dealing with than to go on not knowing, and you can tell that to your husband.