I am a BS. At one point in my ongoing recovery process I agreed with this concept. I had always been honest. And I believed every word...every story....every lie. My husband is truly a different person and has been for some time but I am at a stage where I am almost apathetic about his actions. I was never a snoop. I didnt grill him about his where abouts but now I frankly dont care. I feel numb about it. He wants to tell me what he is doing, where he is going, I am unphased. It doesnt gnaw at me that he could easily have an affair again. And I sometimes wonder if it happened again would I even want to know. The girl rooted in reality says yes ofcourse I would need to know for all the common sense reasons...but part of me just never wants to be that low again.

For example my husband has always worked long hours. He was always annoyed if I would call him at work for any reason...mind you I would only call if it was necessary to give him important messages....never just to chit chat. Now I know that this was because all of the affairs (the ones that I know of) were begun at work. So it didnt work for him having to think of real life issues when his gf might be waiting for him. Ofcourse he never called me from work. So now every once in a while he calls me just to say hi. I am alarmed because it is my habit to feel that something must be dreadfully wrong for him to call from work. Also if I have to call him I instinctually apologize because I feel like I am interrupting him. He says he is just trying to show me he loves me and let me know he is thinking of me. He wants to be accountable to me which I know is good but it is having a reverse affect on me. It is like a knee jerk reation for me to feel anxious that he has called. I guess I just dont want there to be so many triggers to scream to me the man he is now was once a monster. It may make him feel good to change the way he acted before but for me it is just a painful reminder.

I shared so much with him. Sacraficed so much and now I find it hard to give anymore. I go through the motions of life but I am sometimes overwhelmed by his change. I know it is crazy. Ofcourse I dont want him cheating again. And I am glad he has worked so hard to be the man I knew he could be. But now I am more of a shell than a person.

Also I dont feel compelled to share much with him. Not lying just not sharing. I just feel like I need some mental privacy. I am just spent.

I realize that there are so many people suffering at different levels and many would be greatful to have the spouse I have now. I am greatful that he has changed. I guess I feel like someone how has diagnosed the disease, taken the medicine and now the cure is killing me.

Anyone care to give there opinions I would appreciate the feedback. I am always working towards strengthening my marriage but if I dont exist as an individual I dont know how marriage can thrive. I am just kind of treading water now. Life perserver anyone?

So, do you feel like HE made the decision to stay married, and you never got to decide? Like, he messed up, and usurped your right to be angry, etc. by doing a 180? I can understand how that might feel unfair.

I'm sure some of the vets will have advice. I'm just trying to help frame your dilemma.

Is this close?

Well in a way...yes and no. After the last affair I camly told him I didnt want to see him go but he had to leave. He moved in with his parents not because he had to but to show me that he wanted to be married and he would be accountable for his actions (meaning no gf or late nights staying at mom and dads). Our daughter at the time was just over 1 year old I never denied him access to her. He went to work, came over to see the baby did everything for her. The only places he went other than work and to see our daughter was to IC and church. I was going to IC and starting a new job. He was definitely plan Aing me when he visited. I however was like a war victim, going through the motions so my daughter was just a happy baby. Then I became very sick...truly near death. He soon moved back in with me(when I was hospitalized) to care for our daughter. He slept on the floor the entire time after I came home from the hospital and never complained. It took me several months to recover and I will always be plauged with problems from that illness. When I was better physically I just couldnt imagine seeing him go. I was so close to death I just wanted to try to have the life I always wanted with him. So in a way I just blocked it out and tried to tell myself this is who he is now. A good man now. But horror of what happened just pops up all the time. I dont want to drag him back and rehash it but I never dealt with lots of it. I am lost as to knowing how to proceed...

I would like to add to Riff's post (which was amazingly well put!).
Ayslyne, you have been betrayed in a way that no one should. From reading your signature it looks like you have had the wind knocked out of you more times than you can stand. I know how you feel, just kind of like a shell. I felt like this a few months ago. It was as if I didn't care what happened to me, what my husband did, etc. Kind of like a punching bag waiting to be hit again.
What I did was take a self inventory. I found out what I wanted from life, inclusive or exclusive of my husband. I needed to fill myself up again. Keeping busy was essential.
I had to realize that who I am is not defined by who my husband is; though he does play a part I can't let myself flounder because he is or was.
Mentally try to turn those triggers around. From some classes I took I remember a few things about traumatic experiences and how to cope. For example, sometimes victims of molestation may remember vividly that their attacker had blue eyes. From that point they may associate blue eyes with evil people, and to turn that trigger "off" they needed to re-associate the trigger with a pleasant one, like a good person they know who had blue eyes. This isn't true of all victims, but might work for you.
Like, you could re-associate the calls with positive experiences you have had on the phone with other people. Maybe your grandma called you every Sunday when you were little. Just learn to know that a phone call isn't always a bad thing.
This all might seem really stupid, but it has worked for me and I hope it can work for you.
Good luck, post often. Many hugs.