Me and my H are 50yrs old. Sept 30 we will be having or 30th wedding anniversary. The 1st of May he confessed he had been having an A with a co-worker that had started 8 months ago, the last 2 which were sexual. I don't even need to tell all of you what it has been like the last 5 months with grief, anger, confusion, etc. the problem now and I would appreciate any advice or suggestions is how to deal with him and a co-worker who he has to continue seeing and coversing with at work. I have told him to quit his job and I would continue to work and pay the mthly bills until he found another one. After 30 yrs. of marriage and putting 2 kids thru college, we are finally financially doing great, having paid off the house and vehicles. We were truly looking forward to retirement years (in 5 years).Our marriage really has been great and we really have alot in commom. Trouble is, about a year ago he started going thru the "mid-life crisis" stage and wasn't feeling good about turning 50, having gray hairs (and losing them) and wondering what life is really all about. This is when the A started with someone 10 years younger,( going thru a divorce) and making him fell 10 years younger and full of life. He said he fell in love with her and out of love with me. We have continued with a therapist for the entire time and he really does want our life back. The trouble is, every day he sees her at work and has to communicate with her. I told him this week to either put in his resignation or we would have to separate until he worked out what he wanted because I no longer could deal with the "threesome" we still have going. He got angry for me trying to tell him what to do and said he wasn't going to quit until he had another job. Emotionally, he can't seem to disconnect from her and because of that we can't totally reconnect. Am I being unfair to ask him to give up a 28 year career so we can make a fresh start? This has been a tough decision for me to make (I call it "TOUGH LOVE") but early this week I packed his suitcases with a note attached and told him to leave until he decided what he wanted. He has agreed to give his 2 week notice the 1st of november. He is having knee surgery next monday and the recovery is supposed to last 6 weeks so this is why he said the 1st of nov. to make sure all is ok before our insurance had to be changed. Some opinions on your side would be appreciated. I do love him with all my heart. We have vested 30 years and I want it back. I want him to be in love with me again and don't really think he can come back 100% without getting away from his job and her. Totally confused

Hello,
I'm sorry to hear about your pain, but glad you found people to listen.

One thing caught me in your post:

"Am I being unfair to ask him to give up a 28 year career so we can make a fresh start?"

I woud counter with the question: Was it fair of him to risk losing a 30 year marriage? Your husband did the wrong, not you. You do not need to suffer for this. I feel the proper thing to do would be for him to quit, and it's great that he chose to put in a 2 week notice soon.
You sound like such a sweet, caring woman. your husband has a lot to look forward to with you should he make the right decisions.
What is your husband doing that makes you think/know he cannot break off from this woman emotionally? Is he calling her, etc? Is it something that can stop once they don't see each other on a daily, working basis?
I might be wrong, but I think the next step is the no-contact letter he needs to write to the OW.
You said you want what you two had back. You said in your post that your H had the affair because of a mid-life crisis, and needed to feel "10 years younger". There is nothing that says you can't be the one to make him feel younger. This is where Plan A comes in: make yourself the most attractive spouse you can! Not just for him, but for you too. Look at things in your life that may seem stale, such as physical activity (I know this is my problem <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), a hobby, generally improving yourself. I'm not trying to say that there are things wrong with you, just that you need to look at what your husband might have seen as justifications for his affair. My husband (though he never had a PA, he is coming out of porn addiction) would blame ME for what he did, saying he was feeling low because the house wasn't clean enough, etc.
I hope this makes sense, and I haven't rambled too much. Good luck! Post often!

Me and my H are 50yrs old. Sept 30 we will be having or 30th wedding anniversary. Congratulations. Even with troubles you have come a long way. W and I were 25 years in March.

The 1st of May he confessed he had been having an A with a co-worker that had started 8 months ago, the last 2 which were sexual. I don't even need to tell all of you what it has been like the last 5 months with grief, anger, confusion, etc.

By now, I should be numb, but I still have a hard time holding back the tears when I read these stories. I hope you are holding up Ok and are healthy and getting enough sleep.

the problem now and I would appreciate any advice or suggestions is how to deal with him and a co-worker who he has to continue seeing and conversing with at work. ...... I told him this week to either put in his resignation or we would have to separate until he worked out what he wanted because I no longer could deal with the "threesome" we still have going. He got angry for me trying to tell him what to do and said he wasn't going to quit until he had another job. .......Am I being unfair to ask him to give up a 28 year career so we can make a fresh start?

Lets see if we can say this another way.

Honey, I can't tell you what to do, and I can't make up your mind for you. I can tell you what I am going to do with my own life. I am not willing to be part of a triangle. I can't live with you continuing to work with her, so......
1. I can't run your life or tell you what to do, but I won't live with you if you stay there.
2. I want to be married to you - but after what happened, I need to feel that I come first, so if that 28 years of job is more important to you than our 30 years of marriage, I won't stay with you. ( kind of repeating what crl759 said, thanks c. )
3. I am not perfect and I am starting to work on me also. I want to continue to go to counseling with you so we can work out our feelings. You need to help me improve, and I want to help you. I want us to be in love even better than before.

This is not about you trying to tell him what to do. It is about what you are willing to do - and he has to make his choices if he wants to stay married. He can choose what he wants but he can't have his cake and eat it too. He can't have both of you. Really you can sum it up for him in a few sentences.
" Really Honey, the THE CHOICE IS ALL YOURS. You can have me, or you can have her, but you can't have both. If you want her, you can leave and be with her. I'm not trying to control what you do, just telling you what I am going to do.

Now, these are just ideas, if you find it useful, change it to sound like you would normally say it. So often they understand better if things are explained to them. What he is saying is kind of like those that step off a cliff and then complain that it hurts when they hit the bottom. He is free to step off, but he can't suspend the law of gravity if he doesn't like falling. He has to live with the results of what he did. Perhaps if you think on this a little, you can make it sound much better.

Hope this helps,
SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong> Me and my H are 50yrs old. Sept 30 we will be having or 30th wedding anniversary. Congratulations. Even with troubles you have come a long way. W and I were 25 years in March.

The 1st of May he confessed he had been having an A with a co-worker that had started 8 months ago, the last 2 which were sexual. I don't even need to tell all of you what it has been like the last 5 months with grief, anger, confusion, etc.

By now, I should be numb, but I still have a hard time holding back the tears when I read these stories. I hope you are holding up Ok and are healthy and getting enough sleep.

the problem now and I would appreciate any advice or suggestions is how to deal with him and a co-worker who he has to continue seeing and conversing with at work. ...... I told him this week to either put in his resignation or we would have to separate until he worked out what he wanted because I no longer could deal with the "threesome" we still have going. He got angry for me trying to tell him what to do and said he wasn't going to quit until he had another job. .......Am I being unfair to ask him to give up a 28 year career so we can make a fresh start?

Lets see if we can say this another way.

Honey, I can't tell you what to do, and I can't make up your mind for you. I can tell you what I am going to do with my own life. I am not willing to be part of a triangle. I can't live with you continuing to work with her, so......
1. I can't run your life or tell you what to do, but I won't live with you if you stay there.
2. I want to be married to you - but after what happened, I need to feel that I come first, so if that 28 years of job is more important to you than our 30 years of marriage, I won't stay with you. ( kind of repeating what crl759 said, thanks c. )
3. I am not perfect and I am starting to work on me also. I want to continue to go to counseling with you so we can work out our feelings. You need to help me improve, and I want to help you. I want us to be in love even better than before.

This is not about you trying to tell him what to do. It is about what you are willing to do - and he has to make his choices if he wants to stay married. He can choose what he wants but he can't have his cake and eat it too. He can't have both of you. Really you can sum it up for him in a few sentences.
" Really Honey, the THE CHOICE IS ALL YOURS. You can have me, or you can have her, but you can't have both. If you want her, you can leave and be with her. I'm not trying to control what you do, just telling you what I am going to do.

Now, these are just ideas, if you find it useful, change it to sound like you would normally say it. So often they understand better if things are explained to them. What he is saying is kind of like those that step off a cliff and then complain that it hurts when they hit the bottom. He is free to step off, but he can't suspend the law of gravity if he doesn't like falling. He has to live with the results of what he did. Perhaps if you think on this a little, you can make it sound much better.

Hope this helps,
SS</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks to all of you with your advice and things to think about. I knew I could count on you. Wish me luck on our 30th anniversary celebration? on the 30th. Still confused........

I'll definitely be thinking of you. Good luck with your anniversary. Hopefully it won't be a reminder of what you could have or have missed, but what you can have again once this is all over. Do you two have any plans for it?
If you have any more things to talk about, or just need to vent, come back and talk!