So many mixed messages...I'm a little overwhelmed.

H is gone to who knows where...maybe to Yugoslavia with the OW to solidify their relationship or maybe he's telling the truth that he needs to be away from me and everyone else.

Basically, he's abandoned us and his responsibilities.

His confidante (one of my best friends) tells me he's made his mind up. I must move on. He's gone to make decisions on how to proceed with the divorce.

Therefore, I should go to a lawyer and prepare myself for the worst. Get my papers together.

As all of you know, SH has advised me to continue to PLAN A. However, he does not know of my H's sudden and unexplained departure.

I'm at a loss.

Terri,
Is your best friend/H's confidant male or female? If female, I'm beginning to question where her loyalty lies? Is your friend around with your H gone?

Either M/F, what does this person tell your H about his continuing to abandon his family? Does this friend outright tell your H he's in the wrong? If not, why not? Or if the friend is passing on info without hearing it directly from your H, it isn't really solid info.

Something sounds strange to me about what your friend is telling you, and why.

I guess I've been advising you for a long time to see a lawyer to protect your interests, not necessarily for a divorce.

Even if your H has gone to see about a divorce, what does that change? Like always, maybe he is, maybe he won't quite get around to it.

I don't think his departure changes anything about whether you should be in Plan A, either. You can also continue Plan A if you do get served D papers, and you can take the full legal amount of time to do anything about them. Divorce is not an immediate process. My H did an excellent Plan A after I gave him the papers, and he didn't have much hope at that point, but it was still effective on me.

Try not to let your anxiety about the uncertainty get to you so strongly. Remember what it is YOU are doing.

Lor, Thank God you're around. I feel a little panicky...my H just called me at work. I didn't expect it. Picked up the phone rather happily.

He sounded suspect. Scared. Weak.

I sounded strong. Asked him how the golf clinic was...that was it. Asked me how I was. Where I was last night when he called twice. Told him I was at a friends...he responded, "What were you doing...celebrating?" I didn't respond. Continued to sound upbeat. He asked about D. Nothing else. Then said his cell phone wasn't working well. Yeah right. Then said he had to go to happy hour downstairs.

Said he couldn't call his parents because they're giving him a hard time when he called last...

He's somewhere but the golf clinic it's definitely NOT...Wow.

My H's confidant is female. She's telling me what he tells her. My friend does tell him he's in the wrong all the time or so she tells me.

You're definitely right about my anxiety about the uncertainty. It's getting to me. BADLY.

I'm starting the anti'D's tonight.

Hugs LOR.

Terri,
Good job on both your responses, and non-repsonses, not letting him push those buttons. And, golly, isn't it too bad his conversations with his parents aren't going all rosy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Ok about your friend. Opposite sex confidantes send up a red flag for me...but you know your situation better.

So, take a deep breath and find a way to do something fun tonight. Nice that you were gone when he called, you see how going on normally (or as close to it as you can manage) made him wonder?

Lor,

I went to Kelsey's tonight for dinner with the friend and kids (his confidante). My D loved it. Kept my mind off it.

We then went to buy a lamp for my D's room. My friend had spotted a child's wicker table and chairs...convinced me to buy that too. We then went to look a new couch which I had been eying for several months. She loved it too. It's a nice soft yellow for D's playroom/sitting room.
H's cousin works at the store and had offered me a $200 discount so I think I'm going to buy it.

Called my mother from my friend's house. My mother was better today because she had talked to my IL's who are devastated. My IL's have been even more supportive in my H's absence but they both have their own inner sorrow. My mother says, "This affair with the OW is serious. He loves her. Stop fooling yourself. He loves her enough to have just disappeared. He doesn't want to come back. He has always maintained that he is NOT COMING BACK TO YOU."

Okay. H said he'd try to call back after 9:30 if he could but he didn't. I wasn't home until 10:00 but he didn't leave a message.

Lor, can you believe he's just GONE and most likely to Yugoslavia???? Canadian cell phones work in the US (if he had really gone to West Virginia). And another strange thing, he's not calling my cell phone. I wonder if it's because he knows incoming calls will be tracked as to where they originate...

Oh my God...this is a nightmare. And it will get worse. I feel it.

Thanks for being around.

Hi, Terri,

I haven't been around much lately, but noticed your thread, and wanted to respond to you.

You did very well in your last conversation wtih H. He definitely sounded like he was "curious" how things were going with you. He doesn't want to be around, but doesn't want to totally cut you out of his life, it sounds like to me!

Personally, I don't trust the "confidante" and wouldn't be around her much (as in dinner dates). You don't know what info she's passing on to him. Whether or not you "want him back" - will wait for him, or WHATEVER, it isn't for this woman to try to convince you otherwise OR inform him!!

As far as him "being in love" w/ow, remember, he hasn't spent a lot of time with her, as in physical time...this, in itself, makes the R seem so intense. Until and unless they actually get to spend time doing "real life" stuff, their A will continue to be something he will want to pursue. I agree with SH's advice, stay in Plan A.

Keep yourself busy, enjoy your D, and continue to work on yourself. You are becoming so strong, and confident! It's obvious in your posts. You sound so much better. As far as what anyone wants you to do...IGNORE THEM!!! It's your life, and your M. You do what you feel is best for you and your D for your future! If that is to continue to love and wait for your H, then DO IT!

I see nothing in what he is doing and saying that indicates he is "done" with you. I don't believe any of it for a minute. If he was, he'd have been to an attorney by now. Listen to Steve.

Take care and God Bless,

Hi Terri,

Your thread caught my eye and I wanted to respond to a few things.

I agree with the others, I don't think this "friend" should be trusted. Maybe I'm a bit paranoid but when I read about her convincing you to buy the table and chairs, I pictured her running back to your H saying "you should have seen the way she was spending money" or something on those lines. I would keep my distance from her.

As far as your mother and her comments. I would just smile and not even acknowledge what she is saying. I'm sure she doesn't want to see you hurt but she needs to let you make your own choices.

Stay strong and keep your Plan A going. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

PS: I'm in West Va. I could track him down and knock some sense into him lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Terri,

The thing about friends and family is that their goal is not to see you and your H back together. Their goal is to see you happy, and they can't imagine that you can ever be happy with a person who is so determined to make decisions that hurt you.

You're hurting. They want you to stop hurting. Your H is why your hurting. Obviously, to them, the answer is to get rid of the H.

You need to understand that, and then stop listening to them, because otherwise, they're just going to make things worse for you. I know it sucks, because they're your friends/family, and you count on people like that for support, but maybe you should stop talking to them about your H and the situation. They are not the people who can best support you through this right now.

You have the people on this site, and SH, and maybe you could find an IC near you that would help. Use those resources to deal with the situation with your H. Let your friends and family be there for you in other ways.

BTW, I also think you should limit contact with the confidant. She might be very honest, but she's listening to your H's fogtalk, and that's what she's basing her opinions on. You don't know what she's telling him or what he might think of it while he's so fogged in, so it might be best to give her as little to tell him as possible.

Mere

Thanks for your replies.

It's helping me to clear my own fog about how to deal with the situation.

I have to remind myself to not listen to everyone.

Lupo, Kind of you to check in...haven't seen you around alot. Hope you're doing well. I'm starting to think twice about the confidante too.
Might be dangerous because she knows too much.

Just came back from my dear mother's who's telling me to cure my mind and my soul because she believes I'm crazy. I guess everyone here thinks I've lost it. Can't understand why I'm so broken up about H's departure. He's been gone for a year, she says. Get over it. Then proceeds to tell me that I don't spend enough time with my D. Grandparents do everything. I work and get home at 6:30. Leave in the morning at 7:00. That's just the way working mothers are...oh my God, nothing I hear is POSITIVE.

So, thanks Lupo. You think I sound stronger and confident. They think I'm over the edge.

Hi TD, Thanks for your support. Okay, are their really golf clinics in West Virginia? And, did he really leave for the Dominican from there?

Too many questions and not enough truth.

Take care.

Hi M, You are SO right. They definitely can never understand how I could take him back.

Every reply I received tells me to steer clear of the confidant...interesting.

Thanks for replying.

Hugs

Terr,

Just assume he is in Europe & then as much as possilbe forget it. My STBX did this to me all the time and I could never understand how he could leave me with out away to get a hold of him if I needed him for the boys. The thing was he wasn't thinking. I just learned to assume anytime I thought he was with OW, he usually was.

Funny thing after living with her for over a yr, he still lies to me about when he is returning from trips sometimes.

Theri A has now begoing on for over 3 1/2 yrs; the 1st yr, even after D-day, thier time was limited in the real world; 2nd yr we were overseas, then they met for quick trips, & then a yr ago he moved in with her. The funny thing, you should hear how my OS talks about how his dad treats, talks about OW. OS doesn't think dad likes her too much anymore,

Terri,
I just wanted to let you know I'm going be off computer Sun-Thurs and not around. I know you have a lot of people who care about you here on MB.

We are a suspicious lot about the friend, though aren't we? It just one more of those common patterns, the close friend that gets close to the WS and suddenly isn't nearly the friend the BS had thought. The go-between pattern? It doesn't mean it ALWAYS happens, but that it isn't unusual.

Lor, Thanks for letting me know you won't be around. I'm certainly going to miss you.

I'm a little panicky.

I've held off re-starting the anti-D's but I'm becoming deeply depressed. So, I did get my hair re-highlighted andordered some hardwood for a small sitting room where the carpet is just a mess. Almost forced the guy to install it this week. Want changes in FAST. I need to see change, concentrate on doing things on my own...

H called today at noon, 6:00 p.m. and once after that. This time, he did try to call my cell.

Never did get in touch with me personally. Really only left messages for D.

Who knows...