It has been over two years since A was revealed to H partially because of feared reaction and sure enough...He is obsessed with details and revenge is foremost in his mind both on myself and others involved. He refuses to see a counsellor again (attended once and didn't like what he was hearing). He didn't want me to continue either because he didn't like what I was being told. He is very moody...upbeat one minute and depressed the next (stopped taking medication because he didn't like the side-effects), often just leaves for extended periods of time without saying anything, no more communicative when he returns (if asked, just says "out"), has numerous secret e-mail accounts (which disappear when I come into the room). I could go on and on. I just don't know what to do now- I've been praying and trying to meet his 'special' needs (which he doesn't want to talk about either), I have expressed remorse for my actions and asked for forgiveness (flatly denied), have had no contact at all for over 20 years and do not engage in any behavior of that type whatsoever. Nothing I seem to do is right or even close to it. Any suggestions? How do you move on?

sadsong,

It is almost worse than the death of a child to find out you have been betrayed by a spouse, but the betrayal is always compounded when there is years long deceit involved. My suggestion to you would be to do everything in your power to reassure him and help him recover from the shock. Starting with being as open and honest as possible. His whole world changed when he found out about this. It is important to answer all of questions and to continually reassure him that you love and admire him. I would also suggest reading as much as you can on this website, especially about Plan A.

And I applaud you for telling him the truth, that couldn't have been easy.

Thanks for the words Melody but I have already been doing Plan A for a loooong time- it's like two steps forward and five back. The Love Bank is emptying faster than it can be filled with his negative attitudes, abusive words and what seems like indications of a revenge A or As on his part.Time apart is becoming more appealing and I can feel myself becoming more withdrawn and depressed. So now we have two depressed people-how is that better? I should never have told him anything- then I would only have to live with it instead of tearing us both apart. I have been reading in this site for a while now and everybody's situation is different but the same if you get what I mean. Everyone reacts differently depending on their personalities and circumstances so the same advice cannot work the same way for everyone. I come from an abusive background and do not have the same social and emotional development as someone who did not. I find it hard to cope with this in my life when war is on the horizon and tragedies are happening all around us in everyday life. I guess I am trying to put it in perspective from WS perspective and having a hard time with it. Thanks for the input anyway.

sadsong,

I disagree that it was wrong thing to tell him the truth. There are no circumstances where it is the right thing to destroy someone behind their back and then withhold the truth from them. The wrong thing was having the affair and lying about it. Telling the truth did not cause this rukus, but having the affair. You hurt him long long ago and he is just finding out now. His reactions are pretty normal, though.

Can you send him to this board so we can help him?

In the meantime, here is what Harley says about withholding the truth:

“From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.”

ML has given you some good points. Take the Emotional needs questionnaire with your H.

Many are conflict avoiders but that doesn't mean they FORGET or FORGIVE. So if your H is like that, he needs to be helped how to deal with this situation or it will fester within him and affect all around him.

Is there anyone else being affected by his mood swings that might be able to make this suggestion in your behalf?

L.